


as a river flows (surely to the sea)

by honestlylemmejust



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Daddy Kink, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Genderfluid Character, Happy Ending, Ill put the important warnings in the beginning notes, Other, Phone Sex, Pining, Smut, Weddings, but they are there and they are cute, i feel like i just put a ton of stuff in this fic....it is like almost 50k afterall, just the works tbh, most of these tags are going to give away a lot about fic rip, so spoiler alert i guess, so you can skip the tags if you want to, the ziam in this isnt really a main focus at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-04 10:15:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 50,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5330438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honestlylemmejust/pseuds/honestlylemmejust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is glad there are these obnoxious green disco lights flashing, because he’s pretty sure he’s blushing a lot and he really doesn’t want anyone to notice. It’s not real; it was just a silly misunderstanding. That’s why he didn’t want this to happen, he didn’t want to know what it could be like. But as long as him and Harry don’t kiss he’s fine, even if they’re both slightly tipsy, he will not kiss his best friend.</p><p>He’s afraid if he kisses him it might give him something to miss.</p><p> </p><p>(Harry and Louis are good at pretending and it takes them a few tries to realize they never have to pretend when it comes to each other.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is literally....its so self indulgent tbh and the longest thing ive ever written
> 
> I had a lot of inspiration and a lot of that is thanks to my [best friend](http://sunflowerharry.tumblr.com) (the daddy kink was for her...never in my 18 yrs did i think id be dedicating smut to my best friend but here I am) (IT STARTED AS A JOKE BYE)
> 
> Also the disclaimer: I dont own anyone or anything or whatever and like this doesnt reflect how I view the boys in real life I dont know their sexualities or whatever and I'm not trying to force anything on them !!! and like idk dont send this to anyone affiliated with them or anything like that either :/
> 
> i hope you like it !
> 
> Warnings:  
> a touch of cissexism/transphobia  
> Daddy kink (but tbh its not super important to the plot, none of the smut is so u can skip all of it if u want to)  
> Angst and arguing (thats a pretty big warning lmao but its fluffy in a lot of parts too)

“I swear to god I am going to kill my boss,” Louis says conversationally, holding the door open for Harry as they walk inside the coffee shop.

“I thought Liam was your boss?” Harry asks, standing in line.

“Exactly.” That’s exactly the point. Louis starts examining the menu, pushing his hair back, looking a bit frustrated. “I love him as a friend, but as a boss he’s just fuckin’ infuriating.”

Harry follows Louis’ gaze towards the menu and rolls his eyes. “You’re just gonna get the same thing you always get, I don’t know why you even bother.” It only half upsets Louis that Harry isn’t half as interested in this Liam thing as he could be.

Louis crosses his arms. “I like to know there’s the option to change, if I ever decide to.”

Harry advances in line. “You won’t.”

Louis pushes him out of the way, not hard of course, he’d never treat Harry any way but gentle.  He walks up to the counter and starts to order. Harry orders too and Louis is about to stop him, but then Harry is paying the total and Louis doesn’t know what else to do, so he just holds Harry’s arm back when he starts handing over the money.

“What do you think you’re doing? I can pay.”

Harry shakes his head. “No, no. It’s my treat.” He says. “You’re having a bad day and paying for your tea is the least I can do.”

Louis pauses for a minute, thinking it over, as the cashier stands there a bit awkwardly waiting. “Fine,” Louis finally relents and loosens his grip on Harry as he hands over the cash.

“You’re so nice.” Louis grumbles when he gets his tea, his hands making an appearance from outside of his sleeves.

“No need to sound so happy about it.” Harry teases, bumping his elbow against Louis and making him spill his tea a little. He frowns and Louis laughs at his little pout.

“C’mon, sit with me I wanna complain more about Liam.”

So they sit, and he does complain, like he always does. He complains about how he wishes he was doing something he really loves. He complains about how much paperwork he always has to do, and how Liam asks him if he can file stacks of paper ten miles high and leaves the room without even waiting for an answer.

“He’s totally mad with power.” He says, as if it’s a secret. It’s not.

Harry takes a sip of his tea. “I’m surprised he lets Zayn take charge in the bedroom, total power-bottom.”

Louis basically lunges over the table and slaps his hand over Harry’s mouth. “Ew, I know you know all about their sex life, but please don’t subject me to that. I don’t want to know what position my best friend prefers.”

When he takes his hand away, Harry is pouting again. “I thought I was your best friend.”

Louis’ face softens involuntarily. Of course Harry is his best friend, the only person in the entire universe that he cares this much about. He’s known him since they were in grade school and they lived next door to each other, and now Harry’s in university and they don’t really live that close anymore but Louis does everything he can to spend time with him. “You are my best friend.”

“Okay,” Harry says, giving a wry smile. “I’d hate to have to kill Zayn.”

Louis barks out a laugh. Harry always makes him smile, and okay, maybe it’s more than a friend thing, and maybe it always has kind of been, but that’s not really something Louis is dwelling on. He’s focusing more on how the light hits Harry’s nose and breaks off into the dust in the sunbeams, and the way he keeps his long fingers wrapped around his cup and- Louis looks out the window.

Harry brushes his fingers lightly against Louis’ after a little while. “You alright?”

He smiles. “Yeah, just tired.”

Harry nods, sliding his hand back and giving Louis another small smile. “Sorry about your day. I have classes and then work later this evening, but maybe you can stop by? Free sweets to help you feel better?”

Louis shrugs. “Maybe I will. No promises.”

After they finish up Harry gives Louis a hug that Louis sinks into and breathes Harry in. Clean linen and lavender, with a hint of strawberries. It’s over so fast that Louis doesn’t really have time to feel weird about it.

 

+

 

Louis doesn’t go by the bakery that night, just sends a quick text telling Harry that he’s totally swamped with work and he can’t make it. He tries not to feel guilty; their friendship has always been like this. Louis gets closer and closer until he gets freaked out and hides out for a day or two. It’s fine and it’s normal. Probably.

He does end up stopping by the bakery the next evening right when Harry’s shift ends. He kind of wants to surprise him, so he does.

Harry gets so happy and excited about the tiniest things and Louis really admires that, so he tries to give Harry little surprises every once in a while. Like this.

Harry grins widely with flour on his cheek and on his apron and he hugs Louis, even though it’s probably against some sort of bakery protocol and it gets flour on his black shirt. He’ll take it though. Anyway, it’s the end of the day and it probably doesn’t matter now.

“Mind if I sit?” Louis asks and Harry shakes his head. Louis hops up on the counter and watches as Harry cleans up. He cracks his neck and splays his fingers out behind him on the marble surface, letting out a breath.

“Long day?”

Louis shrugs even though Harry has his back to him. “I think I’m just recovering from yesterday if I’m honest.” He likes their dynamic, him and Harry. They can just sit in silence or have each other laughing so hard that Louis’ abs are sore the next day. Harry keeps him sane probably.

Harry turns around, propping the broom against the counter next to Louis and putting his hands on either side of Louis’ thighs. “Hi.”

Louis laughs, eyes crinkling. “Hello."

“I saved a piece for you.” Harry says, eyes sparkling.

Louis raises an eyebrow. “Piece of what?”

“Cake.”

“You did not! You didn’t even know I was coming.” Louis laughs.

Harry blushes and his wrist brushes Louis’ thigh. Louis takes in a short breath, smelling sweets and Harry’s hair, something apple-y this time. Maybe it’s apple pie.

“Okay, fine.” Harry admits. “But I did save something yesterday. So, it’s the thought.”

“Ah,” Louis says, pretending to be amused and trying not to look at Harry too fondly, but that’s probably impossible. They’ve always been like this really, impossibly close and loving towards each other and mistaken for a couple too many times to count. “Do you have any apple pie?”

“Sweet tooth.” Harry teases, pushing off the counter and looking in the case. "Gonna have to throw this stuff out anyway." He gets two leftover slices of apple pie and puts them on one napkin. “I already did the dishes.” He explains, setting it next to Louis and finding some plastic forks. “Milk? Tea?” He asks

Louis shakes his head. “Thanks, love, m’fine.”

Harry just smiles and pokes at the apple pie with his fork. They sit there in silence for a while, eating their pie, until Harry breaks away. “I have to finish cleaning up.”

Louis watches him go, swinging his legs and banging them up against the wooden panels underneath the counter. He eats his cold pie, savoring the taste and trying to unwind and relax after a tiring day. He could probably fall asleep sitting up.

He closes his eyes for a second, cursing the harsh florescent lights in the bakery, when he hears a crash from the kitchen, followed by a loud “fuck!”

He jumps off the counter almost immediately, nearly sending his pie toppling over onto the floor, and he rushes into the kitchen.

Harry is there with his face all scrunched up and his hand covering his arm tightly. “I might,” He pauses, wincing. “have a bit of a problem.”

“What happened, are you okay?” Louis comes over to him, checking his body for signs of damage until his eyes land on where Harry’s is covering his arm up. When he sees blood he nearly faints. “Fuck.”

“It’s not bad, I just dropped a knife and it nicked me,” He says, brushing Louis off, but he’s not letting go of his arm and he clearly can’t do anything about it on his own.

Louis gently touches his elbow. “Come here, let me fix it.” He says and Harry complies, following after him. It’s a bit hard to look at it, even though it’s not a really bad cut, but it’s still bleeding a lot and Louis feels a bit lightheaded. He guides Harry bu the arm over to the sink and grabs the first aid kit, opening it up. He helps Harry clean his arm in the sink, his fingers digging into Harry's bicep probably a little bit harder than necessary, especially when Louis uses an alcohol swab on his cut and he tries to pull away. Eventually though Harry relaxes and just watches Louis as he puts a plaster on it.

Louis has a fleeting urge to kiss it better, but he pushes that thought deep down and instead he softly grazes his fingers over Harry's forearm. When he looks up, Harry is already looking at him and quickly averts his gaze down to his arm.

There's a pause, but then Harry clutches his heart dramatically when Louis has finally finished, “My hero.” 

Louis just pinches Harry’s hip and tries to remember to breathe despite the fact that Harry scared the absolute shit out of him. Harry yelps quietly at the pinch and his eyes are looking soft. Once they leave the kitchen Louis realizes how tired Harry actually looks and even though Louis is too he still helps Harry take the trash out back, look for his bag when he thinks he’s lost it, and throws away all the remains of their pie snack.

“I’ll walk you home.” He tells Harry.

“You don’t have to; it’s in the opposite direction of your flat.” He says, always the voice of reason. But then again, he’s tired and he has to take the bus and Louis doesn’t really fancy leaving him alone. And maybe he’s feeling a little more protective because Harry just sliced his arm, but he won’t mention it to Harry. Odds are he already picked up on that. He knows Louis like the back of his hand; sometimes Louis forgets.

“I don’t mind.” Louis says, soothing a hand down Harry’s arm. He smiles tiredly. “I really don’t.” He wishes he could kiss Harry better.

“Okay,” Harry is usually a lot easier to convince than Louis, more easygoing when he doesn’t have his mind absolutely made up. “Let’s go.”

They walk together, the sun going down behind them. They wait at the bus stop until it’s nearly dark.

The bus is full of people trying to get home no doubt, given that it’s getting later and people are getting off of work now. There’s only one empty seat and Louis snatches it up as quick as he can, leaving Harry to stand. Louis pulls his jacket closer to him as Harry sways slightly, eyes hooded.

“Alright?” Louis asks.

He shrugs. “I’m- just tired.”

Louis stands up. “Take my seat.” He says and Harry shakes his head. “You’re going to let this perfectly good seat go to waste?” He asks, raising an eyebrow.

Harry shakes his head again.

“Well, go on. Sit in it before someone else does.”

He plops down in the seat and pulls on Louis’ belt loop so he’s standing closer to him. “Thank you.” He says softly, his eyes getting droopy now that he’s finally gotten a chance to sit. He plays with the hem of Louis’ shirt, distracted, before letting go and leaning back against the seat, finally letting his eyes actually close.

Louis has to wake him up at his stop. He makes sure Harry is home safely and he smiles all the way back home.

 

+

 

“Sorry I’m late.” Louis says, quickly coming over and brushing his lips over Harry’s forehead and sitting across from him. “How long have you been waiting?”

He looks down at the table. “Oh, not long.”

“Okay, I’m still really sorry. Lunch plans are very important; no one should be late to those.”

Harry laughs, shaking his head and looking back up at Louis. “Oh please, you’re late everywhere.”

“Oi!” Louis puts his hand to his chest, scandalized. “I’ll have you know that I pride myself on my punctuality.”

Harry snorts. “It’s bad enough you’re late to plans that _you_ made, don’t make it worse.”

Louis chuckles, kicking Harry lightly in the shin. “Mean.”

“I already ordered for you by the way,” Harry says, his cheeks tinting. “I mean, we’ve been coming here for like two years so I know what you like and the waitress was asking and I didn’t want to hold anything up so I just-” He’s rambling and Louis is smiling without even realizing it. “told her because I figured it would be fine, but we can change the order if you-”

“No,” Louis cuts him off. “I’m sure it’ll be great, don’t do that.”

Harry breathes out a sigh of relief. “Sorry I’m so,” He trails off and waves his hand around like that explains it. Weirdly enough, it kind of does. “It’s been a weird day.”

“Oh yeah? Wanna talk about it?”

So Harry does while they wait for their food, telling Louis about how he’s got this huge project to do for school, and then at work they had a huge order for a party and how he was just trying to study, but he had to put it off to make like a million cupcakes. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at frosting ever again.”

Louis doesn’t think that’s all Harry’s upset about, but then their food is being served so he figures he’ll wait for a better time to mention it.

After Harry has already started to dig in, he asks Louis, “So why’d you wanna do lunch in the first place?”

“Oh,” He says, mouth full. Harry’s looking at him, so he shields his mouth with his hand self-consciously. When he swallows, he continues. “Do you remember my friend Eleanor?” He asks.

Harry thinks for a moment and then recognition passes over his face, just as he sticks his fork in his mouth. He nods very enthusiastically, as if that’s necessary.

“Okay, well she’s getting married and I do have a plus one, so I’d like it if you could come?” He asks, hoping Harry says yes, although he doesn’t see how going to a strangers wedding could be any fun. “Liam and Zayn’ll be there if that’s any consolation.” He makes a face.

“Oh, I love weddings!” Of course he does, how could Louis forget? “I’d love to go.”

“Really?”

Harry rolls his eyes and reaches out to brush his fingers over Louis’. “Of course, you idiot. And I don’t need Zayn and Liam as a consolation.”

Louis lets out a breath with an unattractive laugh. “Okay, well, it’s a couple weeks from now.” He shrugs his right shoulder, shoveling food into his mouth. “I’m too lazy to talk about the details, I’ll forward you the evite.”

“Classy.” Harry adds, dryly.

“Evites can be classy.” Louis argues. “I mean, I’ve gotten some really quality evites, I’ll have you know. Plus, it saves on paper.”

Harry sighs, “Yeah, but for your wedding you should have physical invitations I think, with the cute little wax paper and shit. It’s like, tradition. Then you can put it in your wedding album and keep it forever.”

“Look at you, little romantic.” Louis coos, batting his eyelashes.

Harry blushes. “Shut up.”

“Fine.” He says, and he does for a little while. But eventually he just blurts out, “Thanks for coming with me to the wedding. I was hoping- well, I didn’t really want to be alone. I don’t know El that well, and Liam and Zayn are so… shmoopy. I’m just happy you want to come.”

“Don’t worry about it. What are friends for, right?”

Louis smiles. Right. Friends.

 

+

 

Harry looks so. Just. Wow.

Louis is going to have a hard time standing next to him all day long. His suit is so well fitted, the trousers hugging his hips just right, and his hair is so pretty, Louis just wants to run his fingers through it.

“You look good.” Harry says, walking over to Louis. They arrived separately because Harry was really busy and he thought he was going to be late and he didn’t want to hold Louis up, otherwise Louis would have been able to see him at least two hours earlier and he’s not sure how he would have coped.

“Thanks,” Louis smiles. “You do too. That’s a very sharp suit.”

"Oh, thanks." Harry looks down at his shoes, his hair falling into his face. He recovers quite quickly, pushing his hair back and rubbing his nose. “Uh, did I miss the ceremony?”

Louis shakes his head. “But I think it’s gonna start soon, so we should probably sit down.”

They get a seat towards the back because Louis figures it’s probably more polite that way. He doesn’t really know half of the people here and he barely knows the marrying couple, so it would be a little obnoxious to sit front and center.

Harry squirms around a little bit, rubbing his hands together. It’s an outside wedding and the day is quite sunny, but it’s still pretty cold. Louis puts a hand on Harry’s knee. “Cold?”

He shrugs.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” He says quickly, but it doesn’t really sound like it.

The music starts up before Louis can ask again. He watches as each member of the wedding party comes out, arms linked. He tries to ignore the worried feelings he’s having on Harry’s behalf, only half paying attention to that awful wedding march. Who decided that this song was the end all be all of wedding ceremonies anyway? Louis feels a bit of a headache coming on.

His mind is wandering off to what they might eat at the reception when Harry is leaning against his arm and whispering in his ear.

“When you invited me, were you implying for me to be your fake boyfriend and it went, like, flying over my head?”

He whips his head over to look at Harry, nearly bumping heads in the process. “Wha-”

“Did I-” Harry furrows his brow, like he’s trying to read Louis and honestly, Louis is taken aback. He never- when he asked Harry that wasn’t his intention, in fact, he never even thought about it. Really, he just didn’t want to be alone at a stupid wedding, but isn’t that kind of the same thing? Looking around at all of these people and looking at Harry, he can’t decide if he wants to say yes or not. He’ll never see these people again more than likely, but he’ll see Harry, and maybe Harry will see that Louis has actually had real feelings this whole time. He’s afraid that Harry will see right through the make-believe and the truth will be obvious.

In the end, he kind of lets Harry decide. “I mean, It’s whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Harry blinks twice at him and then shrugs, turning back to ceremony.

They stand up when the bride comes out and Harry’s fingers brush against Louis, and he tries not to have any reaction to it, especially not reaching out and just linking their hands.

 

 

“People are looking,” Harry says lowly. “That’s rude.”

The wind blows, and Harry is sitting so close that his hair brushes against Louis’ cheek. Louis doesn’t turn to face him even though he wants to.

The whole wedding is outside, so they barely had to move at all to get to the gazebo where the reception will be held. Harry and Louis are sitting at their table, alone. Some other people that he doesn’t know are meant to join them at this table, but right now it’s just him and Harry.

“Do you want some punch?”

Harry nods, absentmindedly picking at the tablecloth. “Hurry back.”

He stands up and tugs lightly on one of Harry’s curls. “Won’t be long.”

It’s difficult to put distance between them, it always is, but Louis knows he needs it, if not for just a minute. Realistically, he probably can’t stay away from Harry that long anyway. More realistically, he should probably try.

He pours punch into two cups, trying to do it normally and not like he’s actually freaking out that Harry would ask a question like the one he asked earlier. But, it’s probably for the best that he turns Harry down, right? Even though he wants to pretend that so bad, it’s probably in his best interest. Who would he be kidding anyway? On top of that, he has to go back to work with El and Liam and then see Zayn and they would know that it was a lie, so it’s really kind of pathetic when he thinks about it.

“Oh, Louis!” Someone says coming up next to him. He’s surprised at the woman’s voice and he’s sure he’s never met her before, but he smiles anyway.

“Hey,” He says and he must sound a bit wary because the woman gives him this look like she can’t believe he’s actually that forgetful. He honestly is just really bad at remembering people.

“I’m Eleanor’s sister!” She says. “Duh, you met me at that party two months ago and you had that curly boy hanging off of your shoulder?”

“Oh, um.” He blushes. He does remember that night, although he was pretty drunk. It was a Valentine’s Day party and Louis and Harry were lamenting the fact that they were both single. Louis swallows and decides that it’s definitely a bad idea to pretend him and Harry are together. “I remember that.” He had actually smoked with her out on the balcony and Harry had sat on his lap. _Jesus_.

She grins. “I saw you with him over there. Like, are you two… _you know_?” She trails off waggling her eyebrows.

“What? Me and Harry?” Recognition washes over his face and he shakes his head, waving his hands around, “No, no we’re not- he’s- we’re just friends.”

She just looks at Louis for a second and then she laughs. “Good one! Anyway I was wondering if you guys are busy next weekend, me and my husband would love to have you two out to dinner,”

At some point Louis starts ignoring her, furrowing his brow and looking over to where Harry’s sitting. There are three other people at the table and he’s talking, gesturing very animatedly. “I’ll get back to you on that,” he says. “I gotta go.”

When he gets to the table he gives Harry his punch and sits down next to him where he was before. “Sorry it took so long,” He says. “Ran into someone.”

Harry just waves him off, grabbing his cup of punch. Louis notices that Harry has the ribbon that was holding his silverware together tied around his ring finger.

“I was just telling everyone how all this wedding stuff made you want to propose to me even though you didn’t even have a ring.” He shows the ribbon proudly to the table and they all coo.

There's an awkward silence after that because Louis is well and truly at a loss for words. Eventually he squeezes Harry’s thigh and leans in to whisper, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Harry looks over at him and his eyes are big and worried. “What?”

“Can I talk to you? In private?”

Harry blanches and nods his head, getting up and following after Louis somewhere outside the gazebo. “I’m sorry,” Is the first thing he says, pointing his toes together and looking down. “I thought it would be funny, since you- was that not okay?”

“Hey,” Louis says, putting a hand on his arm. “It’s alright, it’s just-” He doesn’t want Harry to feel awkward, but he doesn’t know what else to do except be honest. “I guess I didn’t actually invite you to come and pretend to be my boyfriend.”

Harry blushes bright red. “I thought you were just too embarrassed to ask me directly t- oh god.” He blushes. “I figured- if I was going to be your fake boyfriend I wanted to embarrass you as much as possible.” He covers his face. “But you didn’t want me to. This is so-”

Louis bursts out laughing, he can’t help it. Harry looks so embarrassed and Louis kind of is too. Its quite cute to watch Harry's blush burning high on his cheeks though, pressing his lips together like he's not sure if he should start laughing too. They definitely won’t forget this for a while.

He grabs Harry’s hand to look at the ribbon he tied around it. Harry tries to pull back, but Louis just holds on tighter.

“It’s actually quite funny.” He says softly, turning Harry’s hand over in his. He gets that feeling again and he tries to just push it down deep and not really think about it.

“It’s really not.” Harry looks stricken, but he giggles anyway. “You were so awkward when you invited me to come, so after I’d thought about it I figured that was why.”

“No, no.” Louis says, laughing lightly along with Harry. “I was just-” He cuts off. “You know I really would never do this, if I was going to propose to someone I’d already have the ring ready, this is so tacky.”

Harry bursts out laughing and takes his hand from Louis’ to slap it over his own mouth. “Shut up.” He mumbles through his fingers.

Louis rolls his eyes.

Then Harry gets a bit more serious, running his fingers through his hair. He always does that, like there’s a serious and silly switch in his head that he can just flip whenever he wants. “Listen, um, I know you don’t want to pretend, but a lot of people in there probably think we’re going out now and it might be a bit more awkward to tell them we’re lying, so maybe we should just-”

“Yeah, probably.” Louis doesn’t exactly know what he’s agreeing to, but he kind of figures.

“Yeah,” Harry says.

Louis smiles softly. “Yeah.”

 

 

“There was only one piece of cake left.” Harry says sadly, sitting back down next to Louis.

Louis pouts, poking at it with his extra fork. “That’s quite sad; I was quite looking forward to the cake.”

“You can have half.” Harry says, smiling over at Louis. “Besides, I think everyone is expecting us to share, boyfriend.”

Louis snorts, nearly choking on a mouthful of cake. “There’s no one even around, you heathen.” Not that Louis actually minds.

“You never know who might be listening.” He says, before stuffing a forkful of cake in his mouth.

Louis rolls his eyes. “Right, of course, wouldn’t want people to think we’re not actually in a relationship for some crazy reason.”

“Exactly.” Harry replies, mouth full.

Louis rests his head on Harry’s shoulder and places a hand on his thigh. At least when he’s pretending to pretend he doesn’t have to worry about hiding how he feels. It’s a lot to wrap his head around.

A slow song comes on and Louis doesn’t really think about it, he just grabs Harry’s arm and pulls him up and over to the dance floor. “Can I have this dance?” He asks.

Harry giggles, one hand coming up to cover his mouth. “If you insist.”

His hand comes down to rest at Harry’s hip, tapping his fingers there before curling them around his side. “I think I’d like to lead.”

Harry giggles again. “Like you’d have it any other way.”

People are looking at them, and some couples dance their way over to tell them what a cute couple they are. Louis is glad there are these stupid green disco lights flashing, because he’s pretty sure he’s blushing a lot and he really doesn’t want anyone to notice. It’s not real; it was just a silly misunderstanding. That’s why he didn’t want this to happen, he didn’t want to know what it could be like. But as long as they don’t kiss he’s fine, even if they’re both slightly tipsy, he will not kiss his best friend.

He’s afraid if he kisses him it might give him something to miss.

Harry leans down to rest his head on Louis’ shoulder, brushing his lips over his neck. Louis shivers and rests his cheek against Harry’s.

It’s nothing.

 

+

 

They don’t talk about it, which is fair because there really isn’t anything to talk about and Louis has accepted that fact. Pining isn’t really hard once you’ve gotten used to it. Normally he’s pretty dramatic, but he handles this thing with Harry pretty well. It could possibly be because they act just like a couple most of the time, just without the kissing and the fucking. That’s totally fine, Louis can live with that. Some people never do that with each other, it's cool.

Louis is laying out on his couch after work, watching old reruns of Friends and balancing an empty tub of ice cream on his stomach when Harry texts him.

He doesn’t jump to answer it, he really doesn’t.

 

**harry: i have so much fuckin schoolwork to do...save me !**

 

Louis stares at the ceiling for a little while until the little bumps up there start to look smooth.

 

**louis: I’ll help you study xx**

 

He’s not sure how much help he’ll really be offering because usually he’s more of a distraction, but Harry probably needs some company anyway.

He hits send and it only takes a minute before he’s getting up and getting ready to go to Harry’s place, not that he really has to do that much. Harry has seen him at his absolute worst probably, so it’s not really something he worries about.

Most of the time he doesn’t really like to take his car, but it’s late and convenient so he gets in his car and tries to drown out his thoughts with loud music, not that it helps. He always thinks about Harry right before he sees him, and also all of the time. It’s just hard when his best friend has legs that go on for days and lips to absolutely die for. How could anyone not be attracted to him? Not to mention the fact that he’s endearing as fuck. He wishes he could be more poetic about it but he's not a poet, and he's pretty sure there's no way to explain how perfect Harry is anyway.

When he walks into Harry’s apartment – he really should keep his front door locked at all times – Harry is lying on his floor, chest down, papers spread out all around him. He’s in a t-shirt and boxers, legs bent at the knee and crossed at the ankles.

If he hadn’t looked up at Louis as soon as he walked in, Louis would have spent at least a couple of seconds admiring how beautiful he is, but life is not really that kind to him.

“Oh, you came!” Harry says happily, standing up and stretching.

Louis averts his eyes, taking off his jacket so it doesn’t seem so odd.

Once his jacket is off, Harry wraps him up in a big hug. “Now, get comfy and we’ll try to get some of this shit done if we can.”

Louis toes off his shoes, watching Harry go back to his place on the floor. “Niall home?” He asks, wiggling his toes against the terrible shag carpet Harry has in his cheap flat.

Harry shakes his head, rolling over to lie on his back and placing his hands on his tummy. “He came out of his room and took a glance at me and was like, ‘This is sad, I’m going out’.”

Laughing, Louis sits down on the couch and places his feet on Harry’s stomach, just underneath where his hands are resting. “That’s very Niall of him.”

“Everyone’s so busy,” Harry laments, tugging gingerly on the hem of Louis’ jeans. “You’re the only one who ever comes around these days.”

"Are you getting tired of me already, Harold?” He teases.

Harry shakes his head and smiles at Louis, saying everything with his eyes. Louis knows exactly what he means, or at least he feels similarly he thinks. “You know, sometimes I wish that Zayn and Liam weren’t all over each other all the time, but you’re here, and I like having you around."

Louis closes his eyes and rests back against the couch as Harry curls his fingers around Louis’ ankle.

They stay like that for a bit, until Louis is cracking one eye open and breaking the silence. “You know what I could really go for right now?”

“What?”

“Some tea.”

“Oh,” Harry starts to get up, but Louis stretches out his feet in attempt to stop him.

“Stay there, I’ll get it, yeah?”

Harry settles back onto his floor, closing his eyes and smiling. “You’re so good to me.”

“It’s two sugars, right?” Louis calls from the kitchen, getting two mugs out. He keeps one of his favorite mugs at Harry’s house and Harry does the same.

Harry just hums from the living room and Louis takes that as a yes. He kind of already knows that, but he checks just in case because Harry is always changing. He went through a weird period where he didn’t eat anything with sugar in it because he read how bad sugar was supposed to be for you, or whatever. It was a dark time for Louis.

When Louis comes back into the living room, Harry is asleep. It’s so weird how he can just fall asleep in any position. Louis envies that. In order for him to fall asleep he needs to have at least three blankets and two pillows and the window open just a crack.

He nudges Harry’s thigh with his toe, placing his tea on the coffee table.

Harry snuffles but finally wakes up, sitting up to drink his tea. His cheeks are pink and he looks so lovely and cute; Louis' heart clenches.

“Sleep well?” Louis asks, sipping his tea.

He hums, resting his cheek against Louis’ knee. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I have so much work to do.”

“It can wait till tomorrow.” Louis says, moving his knee a bit to jostle Harry, who’s basically already falling back asleep.

“No, it really can’t.” Harry mumbles against Louis’ knee, looking up him.

Louis cards his fingers through Harry’s tangled hair softly. “You’ll feel better if you sleep. Go to sleep.”

Harry shakes his head, but his eyes are already drooping. “Just a quick nap.” He whispers.

“Come up on the couch, love.”

He complies, his sleepy limbs more uncoordinated than usual. He plops down, laying his head in Louis’ lap.

Louis reaches over and grabs the throw to drape it over Harry.

They’re both asleep within a couple of minutes. Honestly, maybe Louis doesn’t need three blankets and a soft bed and two pillows. Maybe all he needs is Harry by his side.

 

+

 

Louis does this thing where he resolutely does not talk about his feelings and pretends that it’s a normal thing to do. And usually he’s like a coke bottle full on Mentos with the lid secured on tightly, especially when it comes to feelings about Harry. Harry is the complete opposite which is why the way he’s been acting lately is so strange.

It starts when Louis is hanging out with Liam and Zayn who are cuddling on the couch watching a movie and Louis is pretending like he isn’t an awkward third wheel. Tom Cruise is on screen, running. Louis isn’t really sure which of his movies this is. He unlocks his phone, turning down the backlight and opens up Harry’s contact. His contact icon is a cute picture of him from last Halloween with obnoxious kitten face paint and cheap dollar store kitten ears, grinning from ear to ear.

Louis lets himself smile softly at that and then he opens up the messaging app.

 

**louis: dont u just love being a third wheel**

 

Of course, Louis doesn’t expect him to reply right away, although he’s a little disappointed when he doesn’t. He’s even more disappointed that Harry hasn’t texted him back after the movie ends either.

“You’re frowning at your phone again, Tommo.” Liam stupidly points out. Louis doesn’t like it when he points out obvious things, especially things that he’s failing to hide. It’s not like Liam is really observant, not like Zayn is anyway, and that somehow makes it worse.

“Maybe its because I’m basically a chaperon and no one wants to text me.” He says, taking a sip of his beer that he’d forgotten about until a few moments ago. It’s gone kind of warm and he cringes a little.

“By no one, do you mean Harry?” Zayn asks.

Louis just glares at him and shrugs one shoulder like he’s not yet ready to admit defeat but he’s at least halfway there. Zayn can probably tell anyway. It’s hard having friends that know you like the back of their hand because they know your secrets before you even realize you’ve been keeping them.

Zayn can tell Louis is having a hard night, or something, like a best friend sixth sense and so he plays some Breaking Bad and Louis tries to not feel like he’s most needy person in the entire world.

 

+

 

“Is Harry mad at me?” Louis asks, like it’s a been a week without communication, but it’s really only been like two days.

Niall squints up at the sky, sunlight splitting over his face. Louis would lend him his sunglasses, but this is the fourth time Niall has lost his glasses this month so Louis doesn't feel that bad for him. "I don't think so, why?"

Louis takes a bite of his sandwich, postponing his answer a bit. If he ever told Niall anything about liking Harry everyone would find out in a couple hours because Niall cant keep a secret to save his life, especially not from Harry. He probably knows anyway, hes not an idiot. "He seems off." Louis settles for.

"He hasn't texted you?"

Louis shakes his head, ripping off bits of his crust and throwing it to the birds. "Not since Saturday night."

"Oh," Niall says, chuckling softly. "He's sick."

Louis scoffs, frowning at Niall. "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?" He knocks off Niall's paperboy hat just for good measure too.

Niall scrambles to pick it back up. "Sorry! I just figured you'd have talked to him recently."

"Did he go to school today?"

"Yeah," Niall adjusts his hat. "I told him not to, but you know Harry."

Louis rolls his eyes, trying to play aloof and casual about it, but his head is splitting in seams trying to figure out why Harry didn't just text him back or tell him he was sick. He's always available to bring soup, obviously not made by him, but it's the thought. And honestly why is Harry going to school? He should be in bed.

"Well, maybe he forgot to text you." Niall says after a moment of silence, but his tone suggests that there's more to it than that.

Louis doesn't press the issue though. Its not like he has to pick his battles like he sometimes has to with Liam, Niall is really chill in that sense, its just that Louis is constantly overthinking his every word, especially with Niall because he's basically Harry's best friend aside from Louis. Things are absolutely great the way they are, Louis absolutely does not want Harry to find out that he's harboring a crush for him, through anyone. If one person found out, he'd be frantically trying to figure out the "trail" like Ross did in that one episode of Friends. God, if Harry looked at him like he ruined everything, Louis wouldn't know how to live with himself. All those lingering touches and glances that they brush off as casual, that Louis brushes off as casual, they would all make sense to Harry if he found out and Louis would never be able to touch him again, let alone be his friend. Or maybe they'd still be friends but it would be so fucking awkward. Would Harry still let him stay the night? Would he even let Louis come over anymore? Would he have to take the stuffed Louis moose away from the stuffed Harry moose that's sitting in Harry's windowsill?

Louis continues to tease Niall instead of thinking about that. That would genuinely be a fucking disaster. A disaster he doesn't have to worry about as long as Harry doesn't find out. 

 

+

 

Louis lets himself into Harry's unlocked apartment and makes a mental note to buy Harry a door lock or something because either his is broken or he really doesn't care if someone breaks in and kills him. That's probably not really a huge concern in Harry's neighborhood, but then again, you can never be too safe.

He slips into the kitchen, turning on the kettle and grabbing two mugs. Honestly its way too early to be here, or anywhere for that matter, but Louis had to get an early start if he was gonna convince Harry not to go to school, since he's sick. He even attempted to make soup, but that didn't exactly work since the only things he's mastered cooking are Ramen noodles and mac and cheese. Anything from the box works really, as long as its not arse o'clock in the morning. The soup was a sad casualty of the morning cloud over his brain. He knows he can make tea though, he could make tea at any hour of the day really, it's like second nature by now.

Harry pads in the kitchen about ten minutes after Louis puts the kettle on, which kind of ruins his plans of surprising Harry with breakfast in bed. Granted, he had planned on bringing him a banana and a cup of tea, but still. It was going to be a great surprise.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asks, smiling. His eyes are sleepy and his pale blue sweater is hanging over his hands. He's glowing, he looks like sunshine. Louis wants to kiss him.

"I'm surprising you with breakfast in bed."

Harry looks around at the kitchen. "Well I see no bed, and no breakfast."

Louis frowns deeply and starts to push Harry out of the kitchen. "Well, if you had waited instead of getting up at the ass crack of dawn like a weirdo."

He starts laughing because he's not budging at all and Louis frowns even harder because when did Harry get so damn heavy? "I have to get ready for scho- is that tea?"

Louis groans, giving up on pushing him out of the kitchen. "I forbid you to go to school today."

Harry gives him a confused look, knitting his eyebrows together almost comically.

"You're sick." He supplies, hoping that Harry will remember. He should since he's the one who is actually sick, but he does this thing where he pretends like he's not ill so he can keep running like a work horse and never stopping. Not that he isn't like, totally zen as a person, but he just likes to get shit done even if his body is telling him to slow down.

Harry looks guilty. "I'm not really sick."

Louis rolls his eyes. "Right," He says sarcastically. "Go lay down, I'll bring you your tea."

He shakes his head. "I'm serious," Which makes Louis feel kind of bad because he's been scolding Harry in his head. "I just told Niall that so he'd get off my back. I've been kind of-" He waves his hand around ambiguously like he always does. Louis thinks he understands.

"Hey, it's okay." He touches Harry's elbow. "Wanna talk about it?"

He shrugs. "M'not sure if I'm like.. ready?" He runs a hand through his sleep mussed hair. "Sorry, just- I've been really mopey is all. I can't miss my classes today."

Louis pulls Harry in by the arm for a hug, which Harry makes a surprised sound at but easily sinks into. "You need to take a mental health day, Harry."

He shakes his head and tries to pull away, but Louis keeps a firm grip on him.

"M'serious."

Harry presses his face into Louis' shoulder groaning. "I really have to go to school."

"Nope, I'm not letting you go anywhere."

 

 

So that's how they find themselves squished up together on the sofa, playing FIFA with two empty tea mugs on the table in front of them. Louis' knees are tucked underneath him because when he's leaning all the way back his feet barely touch the floor anyway, and he might be pretending to be so focused on the game that he's accidentally leaned a lot closer to Harry. They're sharing a blanket because it made "more sense" and every once in a while, Harry is stealing Louis' controller and holding it up high so Louis has to climb up to reach it, and it doesn't really matter because Harry is still losing, its just an excuse for them to sit closer together really.

After a while Harry abandons the game and sprawls out across Louis' legs. His body is so fucking heavy, Louis thinks his thighs are going to fall asleep in a couple minutes.

Harry sighs. "Thanks for coming over, I think I needed a day like this."

Louis can't help it, he cards his fingers through Harry's hair, smiling. "Sometimes the weekend just isn't long enough."

"Wait," Harry sits up really fast, "Don't you have work today?"

Louis just flaps his hand around, flopping back on the rest of the couch that they haven't taken up and sighing. "Texted Liam and took care of it."

Harry leans forward and lays his head on Louis' tummy. "Okay." He says and his voice rumbles through Louis' body briefly. Louis definitely needs to drink some cold water probably. Or eat something. He's probably hungry. Anything to get his mind off of Harry laying on top of him. "You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to. I made you stay home today, the least I could do was keep you company." He pretends like having Harry hug his middle in response is a completely normal thing and doesn't affect him in the least.

"Sorry I ruined breakfast in bed."

Louis shrugs. "This is fine." He says softly.

"We could have lunch in bed."

He can't help but laugh. "Yeah, we could. I don't really wanna get up."

"Me either." Harry takes his phone out of his pocket, handing it to Louis. He doesn't grab it and it falls on his chest, right above Harry's forehead. "Call for pizza delivery."

"Why do I have to call?"

Harry gives him puppy dog eyes and even though he's rolling his own eyes it's still enough to get him to grab the phone and call. He really is too weak for Harry. 

 

 

"I got pizza sauce on the pillowcase." Harry giggles.

Somewhere along the line a mental health day became eating pizza and drinking wine that Harry had been saving in the back of his fridge, with the excuse of "well, wine is supposed to be good for the soul or something". Louis is a huge fucking sucker for wine and Harry always gets the good stuff, so he was definitely not going to decline if Harry was offering. They're both lightweights, although Louis would absolutely never admit to something like that. But Harry's on his third glass and his lips look delicious and he's getting pizza on the sheets while Legally Blonde is playing on the TV in the background. Honestly, Louis doesn't even remember putting it on, much less how he got himself into this particular situation.

"See, she is fucking smashing it at university. I wish I could be more like Elle Woods." Harry says wistfully, placing his half eaten crust back in the box.

Louis hasn't been watching a single scene of the movie, not while he's got a tipsy Harry with pizza sauce on his cheek sitting in bed right next to him. He hands Harry a napkin and tries to look away.

"I think _you're_  fucking smashing it at university." Louis says.

Harry just shrugs. "Are you done eating pizza?" He asks.

Louis throws his unfinished piece in the box and leans back, rubbing his tummy. "All done."

Harry places his glass of wine and the pizza box on the floor and practically pounces on Louis, pressing his nose into his neck.

"Hi." Louis says, chuckling and pretending his voice doesn't sound a bit higher.

"Hi." Harry mumbles back against his neck.

"You're not watching the movie." Louis points out, not that he wants Harry to move. He hopes Harry never moves.

He can feel Harry pouting into his shoulder. "I don't wanna anymore. She's got her life all figured out and I'm jealous."

Louis doesn't really know what to say and his brain feels a little wobbly so he just rubs a hand down Harry's back.

"Can you be my big spoon?" Harry asks, flipping over.

"'Course." Louis says, shuffling closer and lifting his uncoordinated arm to drape it over Harry's waist and instead accidentally grazes Harry's bum with the back off his fingers, pulling away immediately in shock.

"That was my arse." Harry sounds amused.

"Um-" Louis keeps blaming the wine in his head and he wants to somehow translate that to actual spoken words, but his brain isn't making the connections and he stumbles through a mumbled "sorry." He tries lifting his hand again, placing it on Harry's side gingerly. "Is that okay?"

He can feel Harry's body moving against his hand when he laughs. Harry reaches back and slides his hand over Louis' clumsily and squeezes his wrist in something that seems like reassurance and then pulls Louis' arm over so it's draped over his waist like it was supposed to be in the first place.

"It's easier this way." Harry says.

Louis wants to ask him what's easier, but neither of them are probably making sense right now. His limbs feel funny from the wine and from the feeling of Harry's body against his and its too much work to think.

"I want to tell you some stuff, and I know it's bad to tell secrets when you're drinking wine-" He pauses. "They say that right?"

"Um," Louis literally has no clue. "I guess?"

"Well either way, liquid courage and all that." There's another pause and Harry links his fingers through Louis' where they're accidentally brushing lightly over Harry's stomach.

Louis' heart starts pounding. "You can tell me anything, drunk or not."

"M'not drunk."

"That's what someone who's drunk would say."

Harry laughs, squeezing Louis' hand. "It's just, I pictured myself telling you this in a lot of different ways and every time I have this irrational fear that you're going to stop being friends with me or something. It's dumb, I mean-" He shrugs and Louis hopes that Harry can't feel Louis' heart beating against his back. "I just- like you were so great when I came out as gay, but it was easier because you had already come out to me first. This is- a little different I think, but just as important? Kind of. It's really important to me."

"Like I said, H, you can tell me anything." His head is spinning a little bit, but he means it. Harry could tell him he's actually an alien and that would be okay. They could work around that, they're great friends.

"Do you-" Harry breathes out hard once. "Do you know what- like you know like what being transgender is right? Like-"

Louis can't help it when he stiffens, but he relaxes not even a second over that. "Yeah," He says, wondering what Harry is getting at.

"Have you heard of being genderfluid?"

Louis is kind of grateful that Harry can't see his face right now because there's mainly only confusion written there. "Um, no?"

Harry plays with Louis fingers in silence for a few seconds. "I don't know, it's like- I guess-" Harry drops Louis' hand and runs it down his face. "I don't always feel like a boy? But not necessarily a girl either. I guess sometimes I feel more like a boy than a girl, and other times I- its like almost there but not really, but like- it's weird. I'm not sure that makes any sense, but I- I guess I feel in between. I'm sorry- I don't- like." Harry grabs onto Louis' hand again and squeezes tighter like Louis is the lifeline, like he's grounding both of them. "It's like the grey area between genders I guess? Sometimes its closer to male and other times closer to female. That's how it works for me anyway, but I never feel fully like one gender."

"Wow," Louis says. It makes sense to a certain extent. He's pretty sure he remembers last Christmas his sister telling him about a person in her class who was "genderqueer" as she put it, but it sounds like a similar thing. That memory seems so distant now though. "Thank you for telling me."

"It's not like- a kink." Harry cringes.

"Hey, don't worry, I don't think that." There's a moment of silence that feels like it stretches on forever and Louis feels as if he can feel himself getting sober with each passing second, the cloud in his head slowly dissipating. "You're so brave." He ends up saying finally.

"You don't think I'm gross?"

He squeezes Harry's hand back finally. "Of course I don't. Is that why you didn't want to tell me?"

"Honestly, I- like, I barely could admit it to myself, so I guess I was waiting to be sure."

Louis tries to pull Harry as close as possible, like maybe somehow that will be comforting in a way. "Do you want to change your name or something?"

"No- I don't know. I like being Harry. But-" Harry shrugs. "Nevermind."

"Tell me please? You're not like- whatever it is won't make things weird and you're not gonna be like, a burden or something."

Harry pauses, possibly thinking it over for a moment, whether it's a good idea to actually talk about it for real. "I guess sometimes I like to use other pronouns. They change a lot, like in my head, the way I refer to myself. I'm still like- I mean, I'm still Harry it doesn't make me a different person. They don't change a lot."

Louis is grasping some of it, but he's a bit lost on the last part. He's not sure he remembers which thing pronouns were in English class. "What do you mean?"

Harry shrugs again. "Like, instead of saying he's a great person you'd say they're a great person or she's a great person."

"Okay, and now?"

"They?" Harry says, like it's a question, like they're still not sure about this whole thing, or that maybe if they say one thing wrong Louis is gonna get up and run out of their apartment. "I feel so stupid it's like- I'm 21 and I'm only just now figuring this out? I mean, I've always known but it's like I haven't really known. Fuck, that doesn't make sense at all."

"No, I guess- I know what you're trying to say." It's a little hard to grasp at first, but Louis thinks he's sort of figuring it out. It's not hard when it feels like him and Harry have always been kind of on the same wavelength, but he literally cannot identify with this at all. The closest thing he's come to feeling the same is being gay, but that's really a lot different actually. "I'm sorry that like, I don't totally understand yet."

Harry lets out a little breath. "That's okay."

"Have you told your mum or anything?"

They shake their head. "You're the only person I've ever told that to." They flip around again so now they're face to face with Louis, smiling all lopsided. "I'm so glad you're not- I don't know- I guess I expected there to be a Louis shaped hole in the wall."

Louis is looking at them and it feels like his breath is just taken away because of how beautiful Harry looks especially up this close. "You're my best friend and nothing is going to change that." He says, hoping it isn't obvious that he can't breathe. Honestly there's not much that Harry could say anymore that would make Louis stop falling for them.

Harry puts his arms around Louis' neck and hugs him really tight. "Thank you so much." They whisper. "Is it okay if I take a nap?"

Louis chuckles. "As long as I get to join you." The two of them will talk about it more later. Right now though, Louis is happy with the prospect of having a sleeping Harry in his arms. He'll definitely be slipping out before Harry wakes up though and taking a small trip to Google to read up more on all of this so maybe he can gasp it a little better. It's important, he thinks, to know what's going on with Harry. They're really important to him. 

 

  
Louis wakes up with Harry's arms around him and his eyes involuntarily crinkle at the corners when he smiles. He has no idea how he's gonna untangle himself from Harry's mess of octopus limbs, but he'll find a way. Right now, he kind of wants to lay down just a little bit longer. His head hurts a little from going to sleep without drinking any water at all and Harry is so warm and so beautiful. They're still sleeping soundly, little breathes blowing the hair out of their face, only to fall back in place softly.

He reaches out and brushes a stray lock behind Harry's ear.

Okay, so. Different gender. New pronouns. Louis can absolutely do this. They're still the same old Harry they've always been. Still soft and warm and delicate, but strong and broad and perfect. Louis sighs. He shouldn't really be allowed to think right after he wakes up, he shouldn't be expected to, especially not wrapped up with Harry like this.

He finally untangles himself from Harry's hold and pads over to the bathroom to brush his teeth and grab some water from the kitchen.

After plopping down on the couch he picks up Harry's laptop from the coffee table and opens up the browser. He cracks his knuckles.

It's a while later that Harry pads into the living room, placing their hands on Louis' shoulders. "You should really wear your glasses, you're gonna make it worse."

Louis shrugs them off and fails not to smile at the fact that Harry is taking care of him. "No."

They giggle, coming around the side of the couch and sitting next to Louis, tucking themselves under his arm. "What are you doing?"

"Googling things."

"Gender things?" They ask, sounding a little hopeful.

Louis nods.

"Here," Harry says, leaning forward and typing something into the search bar.

Louis leans a little closer to the screen. "Demigender," He says under his breath, clicking on the first link. "Is this you?"

"I think." They look so small like this, like they're afraid Louis is suddenly gonna change his mind about supporting Harry or something equally as ridiculous. "I mean- yes? Do you think it's weird?"

Louis shakes his head fondly. "None of that. Of course I don't think it's weird. Why would I?"

Harry shrugs. "It's like- everyone sees binary genders and I'm so- everyone thinks I'm so manly. I guess I just feel like maybe people won't take me seriously because I don't feel like I even look androgynous. Not that I want to look any different, I just- people see me as a man."

"I think-" Louis frowns, thinking of the right words. "I don't think there's any one way to look as a person. Everyone looks different, no matter what gender they are. I mean, it'll be an adjustment for whoever you decide to come out to because, like for me, I've seen you as a boy for so long so I'm really trying to see you as...it's nonbinary right?"

Harry bursts out laughing, pressing their nose into Louis' shoulder. "I'm sorry. It's just- fuck you." They say between laughter.

Louis' heart starts pounding. "Did I- did I say something wrong?"

They look up, grinning at Louis. "Fuck, no. I'm sorry. You're so great and you make me so happy." They shake their head, and like, they're absolutely beaming. "Thank you. Seriously you've been so much better about this then I could have ever imagined."

Louis brushes them off, scoffing. "I fucking suck honestly."

"None of that." Harry mocks, smiling really fucking huge. "Seriously, you're such a great friend."

It's so- Harry's so- infuriatingly perfect and so infuriatingly just his friend. Louis doesn't have the words. He just kisses Harry's temple and goes back to Googling demigenders. Harry keeps explaining their gender and Louis is really trying, he is. He's trying to be a good friend. 

 

+

 

"I have the best idea." Harry says over the phone.

Louis is laying on his bed, phone to his ear, smiling uncontrollably like a lovesick idiot. Harry's voice is enough to make him smile and he supposes that must mean he's in so fucking deep its actually pathetic. "What is it?" He just talked to Harry a couple of hours ago (about texting him their pronouns when they change) for fuck's sake. _A couple hours ago_.

"We should go to the fair."

Louis can practically picture Harry's dopey smile at that. "The fair? You're joking right?"

"I'm very much not joking. We should go tonight!"

He taps his foot against the duvet, thinking it over. Harry would end up inviting Niall if Louis wasn't coming and Louis would end up watching Top Gear and jacking off, so it's really a no-brainer.

So he tells Harry to count him in because any time not spent with Harry is usually just time wishing that he was spending that time with Harry. And really that's just not a wise use of his time. Besides, the fair can be fun, right? He hasn't been since he was a terribly cynical teenager, so it'll probably be about ten times better this time.

What Louis doesn't expect when he arrives at Harry's house to pick him up, is for Niall to come bounding out of the building alongside Harry, and with Liam and Zayn in tow. Louis leans his forehead against the steering wheel and prays that Harry at least has the good sense to call shotgun.

He doesn't.

Instead, Louis gets Niall in his front seat and a very sloppy kiss on his cheek.

Louis has no problem with Zayn and Liam being here, because they're so involved with each other that it's not even a concern of Louis' that they'll ever get in the way of him spending time with Harry. In fact, they're excellent company. It's not that he really minds Niall either. Niall is a ball of sunshine and energy and he's so funny and Louis loves that about Niall, but between hanging out with the two love birds and the two single people, Niall will probably pick the single people. Who wants to be a third wheel anyway?

Maybe if Harry had told him everyone was coming he could have prepared his mind.

He takes a deep breath and puts the car in drive, watching the side of Harry's head in his rear-view mirror briefly. His face is illuminated by his phone, which isn't really a surprise; Harry is always texting. It is a surprise, though, when Louis' phone goes off in the cup holder and Harry's face comes into view in the mirror all the way. He smiles.

Louis goes to reach for it, but Niall gets to it first.

"No texting and driving, Tommo. I'll get it."

Louis is about to protest, when Harry's voice sounds over his. "Yeah, that's not necessary really, Niall. Louis can check his texts later."

"That was- domestic." Liam says slowly from the back.

Niall gives Harry a weird look and sets the phone slowly back in the cup holder. "You two are such weirdos."

"It's obviously from Louis' secret boyfriend or something. Since we're all here and we're his only friends." Zayn supplies, and Louis knows exactly what he's doing, but he doesn't stop him. He's actually grateful for the diversion since he really doesn't want another episode of his friends making fun of him and Harry for how "in love" they are. Niall started calling it a bromance last year and it stuck and Louis still absolutely hates it. 

"That's not true, it could be his mom." Liam says, chuckle hidden behind his hand.

Niall lets out an obnoxious laugh. "OOOH BURN!"

"Do people even say 'burn' anymore?" Harry says, sounding a little confused. "I'm pretty sure that's an old thing."

"Oh shut the fuck up, people still say burn. I've seen it on the internet."

"In your Facebook group filled with middle aged guys." Harry says under his breath.

"You're one to talk, sugar baby."

Louis literally outright cackles at that, nearly running into the guardrail when he brings up a hand to cover his mouth. "Talk about a burn."

"Heyyyy," Harry says from the back. "You're supposed to be on my team."

He high-fives Niall. "Sorry, babe. I gotta give credit where credit's due."

Everyone goes a little bit silent at the pet name. Louis is pretty sure it's not the first time he's used a pet name with Harry. He's just that kind of person honestly, but maybe it's the first time he's said it in front of anyone. He's not really sure, but judging by the awkward silence that lingers, it's a distinct possibility. Even though that should be a totally normal thing, but apparently to everyone it's not. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it did seem like an exchange between a couple. Jesus. Louis didn't realize that all the walking on eggshells he's been doing hasn't been enough.

He turns up the music and tries to pretend it didn't happen when Liam starts talking to fill the awkward silence. 

 

Harry lights up like a little kid in a candy store when they finally get out to the fairground. He grabs Louis by the hand and starts hauling ass over to the bumper cars. And honestly, so much for worrying about anyone tagging along. Harry basically just left them all in the dust, and even when they reach the line, he's still holding Louis' hand.

Louis leans into him a little. "When you invited me here," he starts. "Did you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?"

Harry throws his head back and laughs. "Shut up."

It's sweet and endearing and it was a perfect moment, but then Harry drops his hand and Louis wishes he could take it back.

"Well," Harry says, biting his lip and looking away. "I wouldn't be totally opposed."

Louis takes that as a hint to reach out and reconnect their hands once again.

Harry smiles at him and yeah, okay. Louis can do this.

They both squeeze into one bumper car, which is usually designed for one grown person and a child or two average sized children at most, but Harry and Louis are regular sized adults and it's a bit of squeeze. Harry thought it would be a good idea for strategizing together, even though mostly all they do is go in circles while little children hit them over and over because their fucking car is broken. Leave it to Harry to pick the super shiny gold one, only to have it not work at all.

After a while of just being slaughtered by little children, Harry laughs into Louis' neck, like that's his favorite place to be and Louis throws his head back, clutching his stomach laughing. It's just their fucking luck really, but it's great and Louis knew he'd have a good time with Harry. He always does. He wants to keep him forever.

 

 

The next stop is the Ferris wheel, because of course it is. Harry is such a sucker for cliches and that's the biggest local fair cliche there possibly is. Louis kind of, in a small place inside his brain, hopes that they get stuck up there and are forced to feel how romantic it is. Maybe Harry will realize his undying love for Louis and they'll live happily ever after together.

He snorts and tries to pass it off as a cough. Harry squeezes his hand and he barely catches himself before he starts swooning. Jesus, he's got it so bad.

Harry leans down, brushing his lips over Louis' ear. "I have to tell you something." He says in a low voice.

And honestly, he's not even playing fair anymore. How can that be considered platonic? Louis doesn't know why he's up in arms about it in his mind though, clearly this is what he's always wanted and he gets to have it. He feels guilty though because he wishes he could just be with Harry instead of having to settle for friendly brushes of his fingers over Louis' skin, or friendly cheek kisses and friendly cuddles and secrets. Louis knows that's all he's ever going to get, but he wishes that wasn't true.

The woman working the Ferris wheel lets them into the ride and Harry finally lets go of Louis' hand. Louis still sets his hand on the seat in case Harry maybe feels like he wants to hold it again.

They get lifted up so the next set of people can get on the ride and Harry leans closer to Louis. "I feel like my gender changed."

"Oh, okay."

"That's what the text in the car was all about; I wasn't sure we would get a moment alone."

"Well, you definitely made sure we did." Louis teases.

Harry blushes. "I know we haven't- its- I'm referring to myself in my head with she/her pronouns." She blushes even harder. "I felt really weird around the boys tonight, I was so happy when you showed up because you get it, yeah? That's why I kind of separated us from them."

Louis tries not to frown. He's glad that Harry trusts him, but at the same time he wishes taking Louis away had been because she really wanted to spend time with him. But, maybe in a way it kind of was. Harry trusts him and that's good. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm glad I'm here with you." She says and Louis lets himself smile then. "I even-" She blushes again. "I'm wearing lipstick."

"No fucking way." Louis smiles so big. He loves when Harry can express herself and not be scared of being who she is. It's been weird adjusting to it, but after telling him Harry has been a lot more open about things and about her personality and it's really a beautiful thing to be able to see that. Louis really doesn't care about his adjusting period when he sees Harry being so happy. Really, it's not about Louis at all, and that's fine.

"Yeah, I know that's- I'm sorry. We've never used these pronouns ever before yet. I'm really excited."

When Harry says 'we' Louis' heart basically soars. "It's cool, I'm really proud of you, babe."

There's the pet name again and Louis doesn't even have enough time to think about it to regret it because Harry is smiling and the Ferris wheel starts moving, pushing them around in circles.

"Harry, Harry, Harold. She's got curly locks." Louis says quietly, absentmindedly winding one of Harry's curls around his finger. It's gotten so long.

Harry just fucking beams at him. "How are you so perfect?" She asks and she looks so honest. Louis doesn't fail to notice how her eyes are basically sparkling too.

Louis blushes, hard. "You can't just say stuff like that."

" _You_ can't just say stuff like that."

"What did I say?" They're both pink cheeked and looking at each other so openly. Louis is gonna blame it on the cold and his own imagination making up the romantic quality of a Ferris wheel ride.

"You just- you used my pronouns. You always know what to do and what to say. You like- you know me so well." She pushes her hair back. "I'm just amazed at how supportive you've been. It scares me to think that I won't find anyone else as supportive as you."

"The boys are going to fully support you when you come out to them, you know that." Louis tries to assure her.

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, that's not really what I meant."

"You've got good friends, Harry." Louis doesn't want to think about any other meanings to what anyone is saying because once he starts doing that he starts with the false hope, and the false hope leads him to do stupid things. So he's just trying to keep it cool. Sometimes Harry says things that make him almost just blurt out that he's been in love with her since like grade 7 and that's obviously a terrible idea. So, yeah. No false hope. No dwelling.

Harry leans her head on Louis' shoulder. "Yeah, I do."

When they finally reach the top Harry moves her head from Louis shoulder, scooting over to the side so she can look down over the fair itself and then leaning over Louis so she can look over at the river that stretches out on that side. She leans back, looking up at the sky, pointing out constellations to Louis and their shoulders brush.

Louis looks over just to make sure it was Harry's arm and not the seat. Harry looks over too, so close they nearly brush foreheads.

Harry's so close now that Louis can make out the lipstick stained on her lips, just this side of pink that's a shade too bright to be completely natural, but totally unnoticeable if you weren't looking.

Louis is looking though.

When he tries to meet Harry's eyes, she's looking at his lips and it would be so easy to just lean forward and see how matte and long lasting Harry's lipstick really is.

He can hear his heart pounding in his ears and feel it in his eyes and feel a magnetic pull, pushing him towards Harry.

Maybe if he just closes the gap and feels Harry's lips then it might calm down his frantic heart and maybe it'll give him that extra confidence to really show Harry what she's been missing all this time.

He's leans in and the Ferris wheel jerks to life again, sending Harry and Louis jumping back into their respective seats, facing forward.

Louis looks away, over towards the water. He's basically berating himself in his head, knowing that it's fucking false hope that keeps leading him to do stupid shit like try and kiss his best friend. Like, he keeps imagining Harry would want him too, but he's pretty sure that's a total joke and this obviously proves it.

That is, until Harry leans over and pecks Louis' cheek.

His head jerks back towards Harry, who smiles coyly and Louis has to turn away and try to school his expression into something much less embarrassing.

"Tell me you'll win me a huge teddy bear." Harry says, grabbing Louis' hand again. They're descending now, and it's almost their turn to get off the ride.

"Yeah, of course I will. Even though it's the biggest fucking cliche in the world."

Harry scoffs. "Heyyyy."

Louis smiles. "Doesn't mean I won't though."

Harry smiles back. "Good."

 

 

Ring toss is Louis' legacy honestly. When they would come to the fair as kids, Louis used to fucking own the ring toss. It is his game and he's totally got this.

He widens his stance, ring in hand and eyes set on his target. That bear is basically his, like they might as well just give it to him.

He tosses.

Harry groans loudly when he misses and Louis flushes. He thought for sure he would make it, something must be off. The bottle must have moved or something.

He shakes it off, grabbing another ring. "It's been a while, I'm just a bit rusty. I am absolutely going to win this one."

Zayn chuckles from behind them and Louis wonders how long Zayn and the boys have been standing there or if they just showed up.

"If he doesn't win the bear then I'll win it for you, Zayn." Liam says and Louis looks back to see Zayn smiling with his nose all mushed up like he does whenever he looks at Liam and then turns back around to see Harry pouting.

Louis has to win that teddy bear.

Niall stands around biting his nails as Louis rolls his shoulders and then squares them, widening his stance once again and reeling his arm back. "It's all in the wrist." He says, and it goes flying, perching right over the bottle and then slowly clattering around the top.

Harry jumps up and down excitedly, letting out a really loud, "YES."

"In order to win the teddy bear your last ring needs to land in the same place." The man at the booth says.

Louis rolls his shoulders again and shakes out his hands, grabbing another ring. "Blow on it for good luck." He says, holding it out to Harry.

Niall snorts loudly and Louis glares at him.

"Alright, here we go." He announces, and like honestly he's being so ridiculous and he's taking this so bloody seriously, but Louis is nothing if not competitive, even with himself.

He tosses for the last time.

And it goes skidding across the top and flies too far to the back of the tent.

"Sorry, kid." The guy says, collecting the rings.

"Here," Louis holds out three pounds. "Let me just try one more time, please?"

"There are other people waiting in line, sorry."

Louis groans. "Can't I just pay for the bear itself? Then I'll be out of your hair."

The man levels Louis with a look. "Don't be petty, you gotta win it fair and square."

"So," Louis gives him an even more challenging look. "Let me try."

"Fine." He snatches the money from Louis and puts the rings out.

Now that he's got an even bigger point to prove, nothing is going to get in Louis' way of winning this fucking teddy bear for Harry.

Each time he reels back and tosses it, the ring goes flying over and onto the top of the bottle, absolutely perfect shots. Louis looks so fucking smug and he cracks his knuckles as the guy lowers the huge teddy bear from the top of the tent. "All in the wrist." Louis says as Harry is being handed the bear. Her eyes light up and she looks a little like she's surprised that Louis actually did it.

Harry keeps hugging the huge bear as they walk away from the tent and even as they walk around the fairground. The people working at the fair won't let her on most of the rides because the bear is too huge and none of the other guys will hold it, so Louis ends up carrying it for the rest of the time and not riding any rides so Harry can go on every ride they have.

When Zayn gives him a knowing look, Louis just gives him the finger from behind the bear. 

 

At the end of the night when everyone is piling out of Louis' car, Harry leans over the center console, since she was sitting shotgun thanks to the bear, and gives Louis a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you for tonight."

Louis flushes. "Oh- you're welcome." He stammers, feeling stupid. It's just a bloody peck on the cheek.

Harry leaves with a flash of a bright smile and a wave as Louis' is driving away and he feels butterflies starting in his chest and in his stomach and all over his body.

Harry texts him that night, when Louis climbs into bed, a simple:

 

**harry: thanks bf**

 

and Louis can't help but wonder if it means boyfriend or best friend, so he just tries not to think about it.

 

+

 

The thing is, Louis knows that he should reel it back and possibly put a little distance between him and Harry, especially because Louis is getting to that point where he feels like he might cross the friendship line, or that he already has. Usually when it gets like that he starts to create more distance between him and Harry, but right now he feels like he physically cannot stand to be apart from them. That might be a little unhealthy, but really it makes sense since Louis would spend the rest of his life with Harry if they asked.

So far, they've only asked him to stop by the bakery after work, so straight after he gets off from work he catches the bus to the bakery to see Harry.

From the window, he can see Harry mopping and dancing to what must be playing over the speakers inside. He pushes the door open and the bell overhead startles them.

"Oh hey, Louis." They recover quite quickly, smiling and leaning against the handle of the mop. "I didn't know you were coming by so early."

"There wasn't much work to do, really."

"Same here, I was thinking about closing up early."

"Do you need any help?" Louis asks, leaning up against the counter.

They hesitate for a moment. "Sure, there's a rag there on the counter if you want to wash up the tables."

Louis grabs the rag and gets to work. It's not really like there are many tables, but he feels glad he's helping in some way. "So, any particular reason you wanted me to come, or did you just miss me?"

"Well," Harry starts, chuckling softly. "I did miss you, but yeah there's a reason."

Louis pretends to be offended, clutching his chest. "Use me and abuse me, I see how it is."

Harry giggles. "C'mon Lou, this is somewhat of a crisis."

"Alright," Louis relents. "What is it?"

"Well," They start and Louis looks over to catch them looking slightly guilty. "It would be doing me a huge favor."

"Don't leave me in suspense, Harold." Louis teases.

"So, okay." They stick the mop back in the bucket, starting to stack the chairs on top of the tables Louis has already cleaned. "There's this like poetry thing I'm required to go to and participate in for school, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with?"

Louis thinks it over. Poetry isn't like, his thing, but its also not not his thing so. "Sure, I'd love to." He's not quite sure how that's a crisis though.

"Thank you," Harry says, accidentally slamming one of the chairs harder against the table when it slips out of their hand. They blush.

"How is that a crisis?"

Harry sighs, walking over towards where Louis has just finished wiping down his last table. "Well, that might have been a little dramatic, but so far not even Zayn wanted to come with me. I think he's having scheduled sex with Liam."

Louis bursts out laughing, covering his mouth and spluttering. "Scheduled s- _oh my god_ , you're so disgusting. They're not even married."

"They might as well be, I mean they act like they are. Scheduled sex and all." Harry snorts and then wraps their arms around themselves, pretending like they're holding on to someone. They mimic Zayn, quiet voice and heavy accent. "Oh Liam, I cant wait until Wednesday the 15th so we can do this all over again."

Louis covers his ears, still laughing. "What the fuck, Harry? How do you know this stuff?"

"Zayn totally implied it when I called him, and like I've been all alone in this bakery-"

Louis pulls a disgusted face. "Did you get off thinking about them fucking?

"No!" They hit Louis on the arm. "You sicko, I was just thinking about it."

"That's worse." Louis tells them, like they should know that.

Harry rolls his eyes. "That's not worse! I was just thinking, I bet Liam is like, embarrassingly loud."

Louis covers his ears again, letting out loud noises to drown Harry out. "I cant hear you."

Harry removes Louis' hands from his head and smirks. "Do you think Zayn calls him _daddy_?"

Louis slaps a hand over Harry's mouth, pretending to gag, even though his mind is just a constant stream of _oh fuck_  at that word coming out of Harry's mouth.

Harry pulls his hand away, holding it away from their mouth and lets out a fake moan. " _Oh_ , Zayn you've been a Bradford bad boy."

"Harr-"

"Oh, daddy!" They say and then erupt into a fit of giggles.

Louis jerks his hand away from Harry's grip, placing it over Harry's mouth again. "I'm picturing it, it's not leaving my head. Fuck you." More like he's picturing what Harry must sound like when they actually moan.

Harry lets out a muffled fake moan against Louis' hand, their eyes glinting with mischief. Louis spares a thought to the fact that he might have been a bad influence as a friend.

"If I buy you a whole box of licorice, will you shut up?"

Harry nods and Louis releases them.

They're still laughing as they continue lifting chairs and its not but five minutes later they start throwing their head back and moaning again. "Oh, Liam, oh _daddy_!"

"No licorice for you!" Louis yells, throwing his rag at them.

 

+

 

"So, its like a competition thing." Harry tells Louis as they're walking inside the building. There's a small stage in the front of the room and a couple tables to sit at.

"Should I have dressed fancier?" Louis worries, pulling at his collar. "I feel like I don't belong here."

"You're perfect, don't worry." Harry says, pulling Louis' hand away and holding it for himself. "Thank you for coming."

"Its okay. Zayn's the worst and Niall's a lousy roommate." Louis tries and fails to ignore Harry's hand.

"He really is, but at least he does the washing up."

Louis scoffs at him. "Whatever, I'm a lovely house guest and even better flatmate."

"Sure." Harry rolls his eyes. "Lets sit here."

Louis is slightly nervous for some reason, maybe for Harry or maybe because he might have to meet some of Harry's university friends, he's not sure. Its probably just because he's not used to attending stuff like this, he feels a little out of place.

He leans over to Harry, "Do you think people can tell I don't belong here?"

He chuckles. "No, poets all look different."

"But I'm not a poet." He grumbles.

"You could have borrowed one of Niall's hats." He teases him. "Looks kind of like a beret."

Louis laughs dryly. "Very funny."

"If you like something someone says in their poem, just start snapping. People will think you know what you're doing."

Louis eyes him carefully. "Isn't that just in movies?"

"No, its a real thing, I'm serious." Harry tells him and he looks honest, but Louis doesn't trust him.

"We'll see."

The first person to go on stage is a girl with purple hair and the next person is a big guy with a beard and a flannel shirt and the next is a girl with curly hair and after that its another person and another person. Louis does like it, but he's tired and he just wants to curl up with Harry and sleep. He takes his hand instead, leaning his head on Harry's shoulder.

Harry was right about the snapping, and usually when someone says something powerful the people around them are snapping. Even sometimes Harry, with his one free hand. It's kind of strange, Louis has never been to one of these things and so far it's a very different experience.

There are people onstage letting their whole lives out into the microphone and Louis thinks that its really brave, he could never do that.

The only poem he ever wrote was last year. It was about Harry and every other line rhymed. He could never go and tell it up there with everyone staring at him. First of all because it sucked, but also because its scary. He can't believe Harry is going to.

"I'm nervous." Harry says leaning over towards Louis and speaking lowly.

Louis squeezes his hand. "You're gonna do great."

"I can't follow these people. They're too good."

Louis wishes he could reassure him in a more solid way, but instead he just squeezes his hand again. "I believe in you and I think you're gonna do great."

Harry bites his lip, looking at Louis for a long time with an unreadable expression. "Okay," he says finally. "Okay."

"Okay?" Louis smiles.

Harry looks over and frowns at him. "Oka-" He cuts off, looking over Louis' shoulder. "Oh fuck, Louis that's my ex. Quick, kiss me."

Louis is completely- he's- Harry is- _what_? "What?"

"Please? He's walking this way and he dumped me so hard and you're so fit like-" He clears his throat, his eyes are pleading.

Louis dares a glance back and he sees who Harry is talking about. He remembers him really well, in fact he remembers very vividly asking Zayn how to hide a body around that time. That guy was such a dick and he broke Harry's heart and like, its almost a jealously thing that comes over Louis when he pulls Harry forward by the back of his neck and presses their lips together.

Harry makes a small noise of surprise, but he sinks into it, his arms coming up to wrap around Louis' neck and bring him closer.

Louis has to keep reminding himself that this is a favor to Harry; plenty of friends do this. They're just playing it up in case that asshole comes by.

But like, Harry called him fit and now his tongue is in Louis' mouth and that definitely was _not_  part of the deal.

Louis licks hotly into Harry's mouth gripping his sides hard and trying to kiss him like he doesn't mean it, but he doesn't know how.

"Harry?"

Fuck. They break apart and Louis is staring at Harry like he can't believe what just happened and Harry's breathing harder than should be necessary as he stares back at Louis for a brief moment before turning to the person who broke them apart.

"Hey," Harry says, giving the guy an awkward hug.

Louis is still staring at Harry. His lips are redder than usual.

"Who's this?"

"Oh, right, this is Louis." He says and Louis shakes the guys hand harder than necessary, schooling his expression into something less like whatever his earlier expression was. Now its a bit more like a friendly glare. The guy should really remember him, unless he actually is that much of an asshole.

Louis sees Harry pressing his fingers into his bottom lip out of the corner of his eye when he thinks no one is looking.

"I'm his boyfriend." Louis says proudly. "In fact, I'm here to support him because he's in the competition thing."

"Yeah, I know." The guy says, and Louis can't for the life of him remember his dumb name, not that it matters.

"Well I think he's gonna win." When he looks over at Harry, he doesn't even have to pretend to have heart eyes, that's how bad it is. He hopes Harry thinks he's pretending. "And we're gonna celebrate later, if you know what I mean."

Harry's eyes widen. "Louis," he says warningly, putting a hand on his knee.

"Victory sex, that's what I mean." He doesn't take his eyes off of Harry until the last word, like it's some sort of challenge. The guy is looking like he wish he'd never come to say hi. Good.

"Well then, I should maybe go." He clears his throat. It's so awkward and Louis is strangely proud. "Have- have a good night."

"We will!" Louis says when he starts to walk away.

"Nice to see you, Harry." He stammers.

"Nice to see you too." Harry waves and then promptly covers his face with his hand self-consciously. He's embarrassed.

"Uh-oh, I think he's telling his friends." Louis says, watching him as he walks away.

Harry just looks at Louis like he wants to kill him.

Louis cocks his head to the side. "Wait, are you upset at me?"

"I am so embarrassed." He says in a low voice.

Louis brushes it off. "Its not that bad. At least I didn't tie a ribbon around my finger."

"Shut _up_." Harry continues to glare harder. "I have to go to school with these people, and they're gonna think my boyfriend and I are like those couples who post videos of us kissing online."

"But I'm not really your boyfriend, am I?"

Harry looks at Louis for a really long moment and Louis wants to kiss him again. Why did he let that happen? Fuck, why did he let any of this happen?

Harry still isn't saying anything and then they call his name.

Harry gives Louis the finger before he walks up onto the small stage. He stands in front of the room looking stricken, like he could probably throw up from stage fright.

He takes a deep breath and then takes a step closer to the mic.

 

_100 ways to say I love you_

_That's more than I can count on one hand._  
_1\. You can count on me 2. Call me when you get home 3. Watch your step 4. I'm waiting 5. I'm waiting._  
_6\. I'm drunk, please come and pick me up 7. Its always going to be you 8. Its always going to be you. 9. Forever I think._  
_10\. I've run out of fingers, but I haven't run out of ways to tell you that I think about you when I when I wake up and when I go to sleep._  
_And if fate had a name I think it would be yours._

 _I want your clumsy hands, I want the space between your nose and your upper lip, I want you crawling into unknown spaces of my heart._  
_Oh wait, you already have._

 _82 ways to say I love you_  
_Can I kiss you? Can I be there for you when your nerves are twisting up your stomach, tight knots and anchors, feeling more like you're at sea than on level ground?_  
_I want to be your anchor. I want you to be my almost lover, lost at sea_

 _70 ways to say I love you_  
_I want to paint you a picture of what my insides look like when you say my name, but sadly I'm not a painter I'm just a writer._  
_I want your fingers pressed to the soft insides of my wrists, feeling the spike in my pulse when you tell me:_

 _62 ways to say I love you_  
_I'm drunk, can you come and pick me up? I'm always here for you. Get some rest. I made your favorite._  
_I'm in love with the way your eyelids close when you sleep._  
_I dream about you, I dream about you saying that to me, I dream about you with spikes in my pulse around the ropes pulling me down to the bottom of the sea._  
_I am in so fucking deep._

 _51 ways to say I love you_  
_I believe in you. I'll call you. You know everything about me._  
_You're the only one who knows me, yet your hands are the only ones that haven't mapped me out, the hills and valleys of my skin and I want you to know my biggest secret._  
_My biggest secret is:_

_36 ways to say I only want you, I only want you, I only want you._

_22 ways to say you feel like home to me._

_19 ways to say I don't want to stop spending time with you._

_12 ways to say I want to spend the rest of my life with you._

_8 ways to say don't let me go._

_5 ways to say I'm in love with you, I'm so in love with you._

_1 way to tell you,_

_I'm waiting._

 

When Harry finishes, he fixes his attention on Louis with this look of determination mixed with something Louis doesn't think he's ever seen. He gets off the stage he walks straight over to where Louis is sitting and leans forward to kiss him, which is totally dramatic and everyone is watching, but it's also hopelessly cliche and romantic and Louis loves it. It's literally in front of everyone because everyone is watching and Louis feels fireworks, he feels like he's floating and Harry is the only thing bringing him back down to earth. 

Louis cups Harry's jaw, sliding his hands back into his hair.

Harry sinks into one of the seats and grabs Louis' chair, pulling it closer to him. Louis tries not to laugh into his mouth and completely fails.

When they finally pull away, Louis rests his forehead against Harry's. "Is this pretend or is this real?"

"It's always been real." Harry says honestly, softly running the backs of his fingers over Louis' cheek and slotting their lips together again. 

 

////

 

They decide to go to Louis' flat afterwards because Niall is at Harry's and neither of them want to see anyone right now, let alone Niall.

"I don't want to stop kissing you." Harry says once they get inside. He says it against Louis' lips, pushing him towards the door and pressing their lips together once again.

Louis is never going to get tired of that. Harry's lips are soft and plush and _god_ , he doesn't want to stop kissing Harry either. Ever.

He grips Harry's hips. He loves these hips too. He slides his hands up Harry's chest, which is really solid underneath his hands. _Jesus_. He wraps them around his neck and pulls Harry even closer so he can kiss Harry deeper than before, like he can't physically get enough. Honestly he doesn't feel like he can. It feels like a dream; he's been waiting for this for so long and he really didn't think it was ever going to happen.

Harry grabs his hips and pushes him harder into the door and leaves little kisses over Louis' jaw, down to his neck until he finds that spot that makes Louis' knees buckle and he starts leaving a mark there.

"Harry I-"

He cuts Louis off with another bruising kiss and Louis makes a small sound against his mouth.

He finally pulls away, leaving a peck on Louis' lips and bumping their noses together. "Hi."

Louis giggles, brushing his fingers over Harry's chest, smiling wide. "I think I should probably take off my shoes."

"Me too."

They both pull away to take off their shoes, Louis' vans sitting next to Harry's brown boots as Louis takes him by the hand and leads him into his bedroom.

When the door is closed, Louis turns around, walking backwards and leading Harry by the hands, stopping once he reaches the bed.

Harry drops to his knees so he's just below eye level with Louis.

This time when they kiss it feels like everything at once.

Louis' fingers are ghosting over Harry's jaw, like if he touches him everything will shatter. He feels Harry's hands on his thighs, burning holes through his jeans, barely even gripping hard enough to feel at all.

His heart feels like it's in his throat when Harry pulls back to take off his shirt, afterwards playing with the hem of Louis', waiting for permission. Louis nods and waits while Harry slowly peels off his shirt. It goes flying across the room.

This isn't the first time Harry's seen him shirtless, but it's the first time he's put his hands over Louis' ribs. His lips are so close to Louis' burning skin that his nose is touching his sternum. He leaves a kiss there, his fingers skirting up to press his thumbs against Louis' collarbones, kisses traveling up higher until he's kissing up his chest to Louis' neck once again.

Louis scoots back before Harry can reach the mark he left earlier on his neck. "Come up on the bed."

Harry gets up and knees onto the bed letting out a shaky breath.

Louis climbs onto his lap. "Nervous?"

Harry bites his lip, involuntarily letting his hips cant up. Louis feels the hard outline of his cock against his bum.

His eyes widen and he laugh nervously. "Me too."

Harry laughs too, pressing his nose against Louis' shoulder. "I can't believe how long I've waited for this. I feel like I'm fucking it up."

Louis shakes his head. "So far this is the best foreplay of my life."

Harry snorts, lifting his head up slightly. "This isn't even foreplay."

"Oh, even better." Louis says, kissing him.

Harry cards his fingers through Louis' hair, moaning into his mouth when Louis' slides up a little higher and closer to him.

"I really want you to take off your clothes now," Louis breathes against his lips.

Harry lifts Louis up so he can maneuver him onto his back and Louis' breath gets knocked out of his chest a little bit with Harry above him like that.

"Jesus." He breathes.

Harry's hair is falling over his face and he sits back, his thighs bracketing Louis' hips, to pull it into a bun on top of his head.

Louis is a little sad that it's all put away now, but he'll get his hands in it again sooner or later. Sooner probably. "You're so cute." He says sweetly, not even worried about how it sounds now that he knows Harry wants him as much as he wants Harry. He doesn't care that he sounds sappy and fond like he's in love with him, because he _is_  in love with him.

Harry blushes as he unbuttons and unzips Louis' pants. "You're sexy."

"Sexy. Wow, what a compliment." He teases, helping Harry wiggle him out of his pants.

Harry seems like he's at a loss of words once Louis' jeans are off and he's just laying there in his briefs.

Louis smirks, his eyes probably dotted with sparkling hearts for Harry. "See something you like?" He continues to tease.

Harry just surges forward and captures Louis' lips in a feverish kiss. "Of course. You're so fucking hot, I want you so much."

" _Oh_." Louis breathes out, pulling him back by the neck for another kiss.

Harry's clothed cock accidentally brushes up over Louis' hip and he lets out a moan.

Louis has to close his eyes and try to ground himself. "You're way hotter than me, _fuck_. Listen to you."

"M'really hard." He says and laughs into Louis' neck.

"Can see that." Louis teases, decides he really likes teasing Harry, bringing his hand down and rubbing his palm over Harry's crotch.

He groans again, hips falling forward.

"Okay, flip over and I'll take off your jeans."

Harry doesn't hesitate to do what Louis' says, surely if it means getting a lap-full of Louis and his jeans finally off then why would he hesitate?

Louis is nothing if not a tease though, and he takes his time putting his hands on Harry's body. He pinches one of Harry's nipples, which gets an entirely better reaction than he could have ever hoped for. Harry arches off the bed, jostling Louis' who is now sat in his lap, and he moans. _Loud_.

Louis breathes out. Okay.

He finally reaches Harry's jeans, popping open the button. "Am I gonna be able to get these off? That's the real question."

Harry laughs, reaching down to help Louis get them past his thighs.

"Oh good." Louis says, scooting down to get the rest off and then placing kisses on Harry's thighs, biting and trying to leave a few marks of his own. Harry's hands are twisting in the sheets and his cheeks are red. Louis loves that this is a new way of seeing Harry. This is one of the only ways Louis' has never gotten to see Harry before.

When he's satisfied with how Harry's thighs look, he places another small kiss to Harry's dick which is still trapped inside his briefs. Harry's hips lift up and he fucking _whimpers_. Louis may not survive the night.

He's actually really nervous for both of them to be completely naked. Despite the fact that all of this is really past the point of no return, to Louis somehow that would really solidify it. That would make this situation feel really real, and that's kind of scary because he's waited so long for this.

"Come kiss me." Harry says, making grabby hands at Louis.

They kiss for what feels like forever, Louis' grinding down against Harry's cock and Harry moaning into his mouth. Louis' new favorite thing might be Harry's moans or when he arches off the bed. Harry's got such a nice body, Louis just wants to bite him.

He kind of wants to fuck him too. But he wants to go slow, he doesn't want to ruin a single moment of this. It feels a bit like time is suspended in their favor, just taking their time mapping out each others mouths and touching each other softly, like they're afraid to break each other.

They stay like that for a while, as if they're in some sort of bubble, caught up in this one little moment.

"When I see your dick I think I'm gonna die." Harry mumbles against Louis' lips.

Louis erupts in a fit of giggles, accidentally knocking his head against Harry's chin.

"Ouch."

"Sorry."

Harry laughs and kisses Louis again. "Can we get naked now?"

"Yeah," Louis smiles, he scoots down Harry's lap and helps him out of his briefs, which get stuck around his ankles.

"I'm surprised there have been so many hang ups, I thought you would be like a sex god." Harry wiggles his legs trying to get his underwear off, while Louis bites his lip trying not to laugh again.

He looks up at Harry. "Sex god." He deadpans. "Your standards are clearly too high."

Harry smiles down at him. "I'm glad you're not though. This is better than anything else."

Louis wiggles out of his briefs as well, albeit a little awkwardly, before climbing up into Harry's lap once again. When their cocks brush up against each other Louis smirks, but moans despite himself. "Clumsy sex is better than porn star sex."

"Sex with you is better than any sex." Harry says, getting a hand around both of them and pumping it slowly.

Louis shudders, his eyes closing as he moans again. "We haven't even fucked yet."

"Then fuck me please?" Harry breathes out.

Louis leans over and reaches out blindly for the handle on the nightstand drawer, pulling it open and grabbing a condom and lube.

He opens Harry up slowly, kissing the insides of his thighs and softly touching his cock. And when he finally presses into Harry it feels more like making love than anything else. Barely kissing, only breathing each others air. Louis loves Harry so much and he can't believe he gets to show him that he does like this.

After, when they're laying in bed all cleaned up and feeling sated and sleepy, Louis traces lines on Harry's bare chest as his eyes start to slip closed.

"Sleepy?"

Harry nods, sighing.

Louis steals a kiss from his lips just because he can and settles back against his pillow, closing his eyes.

"I'm in love with you." Harry says, voice laced with sleep.

Louis falls asleep with his favorite person in his arms and a smile on his face. 

 

+

////

 

Harry's phone alarm goes off at 6am and Louis realizes that they have to go back to their normal lives. It's not like they could just stay in Louis' flat for an entire week, possibly just kissing the whole time and only stopping to eat. Maybe not stopping to eat. Louis hates responsibilities.

The sound is coming from Harry's jeans which are on the floor. Louis doesn't wanna move.

Harry's arm comes around out of nowhere, reaching out blindly, feeling Louis' arm.

"Mmmph." He says.

Louis responds similarly as the sound continues.

Eventually he feels the bed dip as Harry gets out of bed and finds his phone, finally turning the sound off.

Louis falls back asleep after a little while, only to be awaken again by another body on top of his.

"Good morning." Harry smiles, his head on Louis' stomach.

Louis looks down at him, eyes barely open. He must be frowning because Harry pouts back at him.

"I made breakfast, babe."

Babe. Louis smiles, he likes hearing that from Harry and also he likes having breakfast made and not having to do anything but sleep. Thank god Harry is a morning person. "Perfect." He mumbles, carding his fingers through Harry's hair. "But not now. Sleep now."

"I have to leave earlier because it's further from your flat. There's no time for sleep." Harry says. Even though his voice is sweet Louis doesn't like the words coming out of his mouth. His beautiful, beautiful mouth.

"At least kiss me g'morning." He grumbles, trying to turn on his side, but not wanting to jostle Harry.

"I was- I didn't know if that would be-" He blushes and trails off, leaning up to give Louis a small kiss.

Louis smiles. "Good morning."

He sits back, wearing the same jeans from yesterday and one of Louis' shirts. Louis doesn't swoon, but it takes a lot of willpower. "Please come and eat breakfast with me, I've gotta go in," He checks his watch. "Less than ten minutes."

"Can't you be late?" He complains, tugging Harry back by the hem of his shirt, but he doesn't budge.

Harry pouts. "Stop, you're gonna stretch out your shirt."

 _Louis'_ shirt. He smiles wider than before. Maybe he is swooning, just a little bit.

"And you're breaking down my resolve. I'm extremely weak for you, you know."

Louis gives him a shit eating grin then. "I'll give you a blowjob if you stay."

He groans. " _Don't_. Louis, I really can't miss any classes."

"But a blowjob, Harold."

Harry whines, burying his face in Louis' tummy. "Five minutes cuddle time and that's it. Then I have to go."

Louis pumps his fist in the air in victory, carding his fingers in Harry's hair after that and closing his eyes. "Good choice, my love."

"Only five minutes." Harry warns, hugging Louis' middle and sighing.

It feels like forever just laying there; Louis feels like he's in heaven and he doesn't want to ever move from this position. It's a good position and he's got Harry by his side, so he really couldn't be happier.

After a few moments of silence, Harry clears his throat. "This doesn't feel much different than when we were friends, just now we can joke about sex and actually have sex."

Louis snorts. "I'm trying to sleep here."

"Is that why you stopped playing with my hair?"

Louis cracks an eye open to see Harry pouting. He grunts, closing his eyes again.

Harry sighs against him again. "I gotta go." He whispers.

"Alright, fine." Louis releases him and lets him finally get up, even though he's not happy about letting Harry go that easy.

He leans forward, kissing Louis goodbye. "Please get up and eat before it gets cold, okay?"

Louis flops a hand around. "Yeah, sure."

Harry looks disbelieving but he just gives Louis a small peck and then leaves the room.

Louis falls back asleep with a smile on his face. 

 

+

 

Things are really good. It still feels kind of like they're in this little bubble, considering they haven't told anyone yet. Of course, people have been asking Louis why he's so happy, asking if he finally got laid and he can't say anything, but its good. They don't really want to tell the boys just yet because they don't want to ruin what they have right now. It only exists between them and it's nice that way. Or at least that's what Louis thinks, it's sort of just a thing that happened, not something that they've talked about extensively. Most of the time he feels like him and Harry are on the same wavelength anyway, so Louis doesn't always really voice how he feels. It's sort of dynamic they have going on.

Right now Harry's head is in Louis' lap as they sit on Louis' couch. They've been spending most of the time that they're not working or at school ignoring the entire world and stashed away in Louis' flat. They would go to Harry's, but Niall is there. Surely the boys suspect something by now, they're just not going to tell them until they're ready. Probably. Or until they're forced to hang out with them outside of normal activities.

"The boys are coming over." Harry says. They put their phone down and push their hands through their hair, failing to put it into a bun since they're laying down. 

It's not that Louis doesn't want to see the boys, he just doesn't want to live outside of this feeling. He has a brief internal moment of panic, even though he should have seen this coming. Honestly, he could pretend that him and Harry are the only people in the entire world like this forever and be happy. It's not practical, but he's never been practical when it comes to Harry. "When?"

"Soon." They say, pressing their nose to Louis' stomach. "I should call my mum."

Louis stiffens. "I thought we were waiting."

Harry shrugs, scrolling through his phone. "I mean, we were I guess. I think we've just been stalling, yeah? It's been almost a week though, I'm dying to tell her."

They seem so nonchalant about the whole thing and maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as Louis was making it out to be. A week is a long time, but at the same time it really doesn't feel like it. He still wants to keep Harry for himself.

"Are you going to call her now?"

They nod, looking up from their phone at Louis. "Yeah, before the boys get here, why?"

"Are you gonna tell her?"

Harry eyes him carefully. "If you want me to," They say it more like it's a question.

Louis looks up at the TV. "Okay," He relents, reaching down and pulling Harry's hair out of their half bun so he can play with it. He's not upset or anything, it's just this thing with him and Harry is really new and fragile and he loved spending all this time with them, not having to worry about people teasing them or the possible apprehension, especially from their parents. Maybe Harry's mum will decide she suddenly doesn't like Louis and how is he supposed to live with that?

"Hey," Harry says, reaching out to touch Louis' chest lightly. "Everything is gonna be fine, nothing is gonna change." They sit up to kiss Louis. "Don't worry, babe."

Louis looks down, feeling a little embarrassed that Harry can read him so well. "I know."

"She may wanna talk to you though," They lay back across Louis' lap opening up Anne's contact and calling her. They put it on speakerphone. Louis feels his stomach twisting into knots while he listens to it ring.

"Was beginning to think you forgot about me," Anne answers in lieu of a hello. 

Harry lights up when they hear their mothers voice and Louis can't help but smile fondly down at them. "Hey mum."

"Hey bum." She says. "How's my favorite boy in the entire world?"

Louis feels Harry tense a little bit against his thighs, but they quickly regain their composure. "Really good," they glance up at Louis. "How are you?"

"I'm alright," She sounds cautious. "You sound really happy, love."

Harry lets out a little chuckle. "I have some pretty big news."

There's a pause, then: "Oh?" She sounds like she's really trying to contain her excitement.

Harry makes a face at Louis, smiling huge. "I'm kind of," they drag it out, still smiling at Louis. "Dating someone."

Their mum gasps, and there's a loud thump and then her voice sounds like it's closer to the receiver when she finally talks. "WHO?"

Harry stifles a laugh, poking Louis in the side. "Say hi."

Louis shakes his head.

"Oh, for fucks sake is he there with you?"

Harry starts outright laughing at that because she must be getting really impatient. They poke Louis harder. "He's shy." They say to their mum, eyes sparkling fondly at Louis.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity of silence, Louis clears his throat. "Hi, Anne."

"This is a joke, right?" She doesn't sound annoyed at all, in fact she still sounds really happy, but Louis winces anyway. "Hi, Louis."

Harry snorts, trying not to laugh anymore. "I promise you it's not a joke."

"I can't belie- Facetime me." She says, sounding like a mixture of excited and confused.

"Okay, sure." They hang up and sit up, opening Facetime and calling their mum. But not before sitting up and giving Louis a huge kiss on the cheek. "My mum loves you." They say quietly.

She finally picks up. "I'm at Tescos for Christ's sake, there are people looking at me." She looks at the two of them together, Harry's head on Louis' shoulder, and she gasps. "This better not be a practical joke because I will come over there and kick you."

Louis lets himself smile at that, still feeling nervous even though he knows it's ridiculous to feel that way, this has kind of been a long time coming.

"Oh, I cannot wait until I get to talk to you alone, Louis." She smirks. "Harry has been so infatuated with you for so long."

"Mum," Harry whines, pressing their face into Louis' shoulder.

"He's fancied you for so long. Oh, I'm so happy."

Louis face splits into a grin. "I was nervous that I might be that last person you wanted dating Harry."

She looks almost offended at that. "You're the only person I want dating Harry, honestly. Especially after how much pining he's-"

"Okay!" Harry says, interrupting her a bit louder than absolutely necessary. "That's quite enough I think. We gotta go, mum. The boys are coming over soon. I love you."

She rolls her eyes at them. "Sure thing, love. I'm happy for you two."

"Thank you, talk to you later."

"Bye Anne." Louis smiles.

"Bye!" She says, waving. "Use protection!" She calls out before Harry gets a chance to hang up.

Harry drops their phone into their lap and laughs into Louis' shoulder. "Well, that was embarrassing."

Louis soothes a hand down their back. "She was so nice, I thought she would say that she was going to murder me the next time she saw me."

Harry continues to giggle into Louis' shoulder. "I'm so happy, I feel like my heart could burst."

After heavily snogging for a few minutes, overcome with giddy joy, there's a knock at the door and they break apart.

"Ready?" Harry asks.

Louis lets out a breath. "Okay, ready."

Niall nearly breaks down the door when Louis opens it, walking into Louis' apartment frantically. "Where is he?" He spots Harry on the couch and he hugs them tightly. He glares at Louis. "Don't steal him for that long ever again." Niall isn't very intimidating though, he looks more like a wounded puppy. "Has he been feeding you?" Niall asks, rubbing Harry's hair.

"Been doing more than that." Harry smirks.

Niall lets go of him quickly, making a disgusted face.

"I knew it!" Zayn says.

It takes Liam a moment to make the connection, but when he does he just stands there dumbly pointing between the two of them, mouth open.

"Okay, so I guess the cats out of the bag." Louis says, rolling his eyes. That was certainly a bit anticlimactic. He plops down next to Harry and leans against them.

"I feel betrayed." Niall crosses his arms.

Harry levels him with a look. "When you learn to give a blowjob like Louis here can, then maybe I'll consider spending more time at home."

Louis pretends to be affronted and he decides to keep a close eye on Niall from now on.

Zayn comes back from the kitchen, two beers in each hand. He chuckles. "I can't believe you actually 'got to third base with Harry Styles'." He hip-checks Liam, handing him a beer. "All you wanted in Year 9 was to get to third base with Harry Styles."

"Year 9?" Harry's eyes widen. "Year fucking 9?"

Louis glares at Zayn. "Yes, year fucking 9." He blushes bright red and gives Harry a clipped smile.

Liam sits on the floor in front of Louis' feet. "Louis and Harry sittin' in a tree." He sings.

"K.I.S.S.I.N.G." Zayn finishes, sitting next to Liam and laughing.

Louis kicks Liam in the side and leans over to pull Zayn's hair. "I was- I wasn't that pathetic."

"I think it's cute." Harry whispers into Louis' hair.

"Harry's no better." Niall says in passing, getting up to get his own beer. "He used to write 'Harry Tomlinson' in his notebooks, probably still does." He ducks away and into the kitchen when Harry starts pelting pillows at his head.

"I guess that means we could have been together a long time ago." Harry pouts, talking quietly so only Louis can hear.

Niall comes back in the room, rolling his eyes. "Guess I'm just a fifth wheel then, might as well go home."

"Oh no, Niall!" Louis says.

Harry pushes Louis back a little so they can get up and wrap their arms around him. Liam and Zayn get up too, wrapping their arms around him as well. Then finally, Louis groans and gets up, joining the group hug.

"We're off the market so we're the best wingmen in the world." Zayn says and Harry giggles.

" _Oi_ , get off me ya wankers. Harry you smell like sex."

Harry throws their head back laughing and then the whole balance is upset because Niall is pushing all of them off, even if his pushing is kind of fond. Then it's just a mess of limbs and hugs and laughter.

It's really ridiculous how well his friends can read him, but Louis is kind of glad; he needs that. And later on he catches Zayn's eye across the room and he smiles, nodding once.

Okay. Louis breathes out. This is okay.

 

+

 

Their first fight is in a McDonald's drive-through of all places.

Louis is driving Harry home after work, the heater is on and Harry announces that they're hungry so Louis pulls up to the McDonald's. It's dark out and Louis is tired and ready to go home and crawl into bed. The line is long and Louis thinks that's just his luck really. They'll probably be here forever.

"So," Harry starts, fiddling with the air vent and it blows their hair back a little. "Are you ever gonna tell your mum about us?"

And like, _fuck_. Louis doesn't want to be having this conversation right now. Harry knows that Louis calls his mum at least once a week, and he's had plenty of time to do it. He can't lie and say he has, especially since Harry went all out and called their mother while Louis was right in the room and Louis doesn't believe in lying.  It's just- he doesn't really know what he's waiting for. Whatever it is, he's been kind of avoiding calling her because of it.

There's a gaping silence between them and eventually Harry laughs dryly, nodding. "Alright. Well, that told me what I needed to know." Their voice sounds deeper and Louis knows that they're really upset already.

"Har-"

"Are you like, ashamed of me or something? Because at first you didn't want to tell anyone at all and now you won't even tell your mom?" They ask and Louis isn't sure if that's a rhetorical question or if he's supposed to answer.

He stalls a little and then it's his turn to pull up to the window. The person at the speaker window welcomes them to McDonald's and asks if they'd like to try the special. He asks Harry what they want instead of answering the question they asked. It's weird because it's like, he's still in the real world, but when Harry's mad at him he feels like the world should also be stopping because when Harry gets mad it's because they really have a reason for it and they're a force to reckoned with.

"I just want a milkshake and fries." They say, voice much softer than before. Louis wonders if they're giving up the fight because they look out the window like nothing else in the car interests them anymore. Although it's obviously quite serious, something that's really bothering them, because they never eat like this and they never ask to stop at fucking McDonald's. Louis hates that it's his fault.

Louis pulls the car up and away from the window and they wait in line.

It takes a moment, but Harry turns back to him, running their finger over the seam on the side of the seat. "You haven't even told me you love me yet."

That feels a bit like a punch to the gut because it's true. Louis lets out a breath. "I do love you."

Harry scoffs and turns back to the window. "That's not exactly how I wanted to hear it."

"How did you want to hear it?" Louis knows immediately after it's left his mouth that it's the wrong thing to say.

"I don't know, Louis. How about the last three times I said it to you? Would have been nice to hear it back." They shake their head. "What are you waiting for? It's like you're always waiting for something."

"I don't know." Louis says, and he wants to retaliate. He wants to say something biting; it's in his nature when he feels like he's being attacked. He knows he's in the wrong, but it's just that he's insecure. Not that he would ever admit that. It's the same reason why he never made a move with Harry, because he doesn't talk about how he feels and maybe that stems from insecurity, he doesn't know. He just doesn't want to feel split open wide like Harry does. They let everything go and let people see them for exactly who they are.

Harry sighs and the silence stretches on from when Louis pays at the first window until they finally make it to the second window and Louis hands Harry their food, looking over to make sure everything is right before they can drive away.

Harry leans over so they can see the server from the window. They give a little wave. "Thank you."

The only sound in the car after that is the sound of the air blowing through the car and Harry's bag crinkling as they reach in for a fry.

"Maybe I don't like talking about my feelings." Louis finally says when he can't stand the silence anymore.

Harry lets out another dry laugh. "Maybe?" They ask sarcastically. "I don't ask for much Louis, I just want an 'I love you too' every once in a while, at least for reassurance? How am I supposed to know we're on the same level otherwise?"

Louis bites his lip. "I mean it's obvious though, innit? The way I look at you. Words speak louder than words, as they say."

"I don't care what the fuck they say, I don't give a fuck. I want actions and I want words!" Harry runs their hands over their face. "I want to know you mean what you do. I don't want a fucking milkshake as a consolation for saying I love you." They smack the drink and the lid pops off.

Louis barely flinches, but Harry looks like they might rip off the whole dashboard in front of them so he's a little tense. 

"Why won't you tell your mom about us?" Harry continues, their voice dropping to a little bit more of a normal volume.

"I don't even know like, what you want me to call you."

They let out a disbelieving laugh, like maybe Louis is telling a joke or something. "So why the fuck- like, you could have fucking asked. Why didn't you ask? It's been almost three weeks, Louis."

He hates when Harry says his name like that. It's only ever happened once but Louis hates it so fucking much. It just sounds like this bitter thing on their tongue. "Well, that's three weeks that you could have told me."

"I thought you would have fucking cared enough to ask." They run their hand through their hair, almost pulling on it. "Like, 'hey by the fucking way what are your preferred titles?' That would have been nice."

"Does it matter if I can't tell anyone?" Louis tries to defend himself. He knows its the wrong thing to say, again.

"It matters to me, Louis, doesn't that mean anything to you at all?"

The silence stretches on forever and Louis doesn't want to swallow his pride, because how could he after all that? He hurt Harry and that's so fucking awful, he doesn't want to minimize that, but he can't bring himself to just apologize immediately.

Harry just picks up their milkshake and secures the lid on again, taking a sip. "Just drop me at my flat, okay?"

Louis should want to work it out, he should apologize. There's so much he could do, but instead he just says "okay", and lets the silence continue to drown the both of them as they sit inside the car. 

 

+

 

When Louis wakes up it sounds like someone else is in his flat, and when he pads out of the hallway, glasses on and his hair a mess from sleep, he's startled to find Harry doing yoga in the middle of his living room.

"Haz?" He says softly, like it might startle them or something.

They look over, smiling sleepily. "Morning."

"Fuck," He breathes, coming over to wrap his arms around Harry. "M'so glad to see you, I- you have no idea."

"Oh, hi." Harry says, they wrap their arms around Louis as well. "Hi."

He pulls away after a moment, fingers coming up to play with Harry's collar. "I couldn't sleep last night, I was so fucking wrong. I was wrong. I- I can't believe how I acted, and I called my mum last night and I was nearly crying because I thought I fucked up big time and like, my mum- she fucking loves you Harry. I'm sorry." He places his open hand against their chest. "I don't want to make you like, feel bad, because m'selfish, but I love you, sometimes it feels like my chest is ripping open because I can't physically contain how much I love you. Every time I think about telling you I'm afraid you'll see that and like- you know how your parents say not to show your private parts, you know, when you're little?"

Harry chuckles softly, but they're listening intently, resting their hands on Louis' hips and pulling him closer. "Yeah."

"Well those are my private parts. My- It's my heart on display. I don't like to be vulnerable." He shrugs, finally looking up at Harry. "I'll try to let you know more often. _Way_ more often."

"That's all I could really ask for, love." Harry pulls Louis even closer so they can duck down and kiss him.

"Please tell me your preferred titles, I want to know, I really do." He drops his hands down to hold both of Harry's. "I just- I don't know what I'm doing at all, especially when it comes to your gender. I need you to help me out with that."

They smile. "Okay."

"Okay." Louis smiles back.

"I couldn't stand being away from you either. I felt bad that I just left because I was upset, but I guess it was better that way because I ended up throwing a pillow and breaking my lamp." They gesture towards the floor. "Hence the yoga."

Louis winces. That was his fault, Harry should never have to feel like that. "Sorry, you should- I interrupted." He knows he shouldn't feel awkward, but he does.

"I'm already kind of late." They give Louis a guilty look. "I don't even have time to change out of my yoga pants."

"I'll give you a ride." Louis says, and Harry winks. Louis chokes on a laugh. "And I like your yoga pants."

Harry waggles their eyebrows. "I was gonna say you could rip them off of me later, but they were really fucking expensive."

Louis really does laugh this time, hands coming up to rest at Harry's hips. "You're lovely." He breathes out at the tail end of his laugh.

"C'mon, we can talk in the car." Harry says, lacing their fingers with Louis'.

The car still smells like McDonald's and a bit like an unresolved conflict. Louis knows it has technically been resolved, but he doesn't see it not somehow becoming a small problem still in the future. He rolls down the windows to air it out.

"So, partner is usually a safe bet," Harry starts, sounding a bit unsure and Louis wants to relieve the tension but he doesn't know how.

"Howdy, partner." He giggles. "Do you have a cowboy kink?" He hopes that isn't in poor taste.

If the way Harry laughs is any indication, then Louis definitely didn't make things more weird. "Those half leather pants really turn me on." They giggle.

Louis covers up his mouth, stifling a laugh. "Sorry, please continue. I'll stash that away for a rainy day."

Harry shakes their head, still chuckling. "Anyways," They say pointedly. "So, partner or any gender-neutral terms?" Harry wrings their hands together, then they rest them on their knees. "If I'm using he pronouns you can call me boyfriend, and I guess while I'm not out you can call me boyfriend if people ask?" They shrug like it doesn't bother them to pretend they're something they're not. "And the other pronouns mean I usually want to be called girlfriend, if that's- I'm- that's what I like I guess."

"Thank you," Louis reaches over to connect their hands. "I'll try to keep that in mind."

Harry brushes their thumb over Louis'. "Thank you."

Louis can breath a lot easier now. "I love you." He says quietly. It feels so big in the small space between them.

Harry closes their eyes, smiling. The sun comes in through the window and flashes over their hands, connected over the center console. "Love you too."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a lot of people tell me this would be more enjoyable if i split it up into two parts, so i did exactly that.

Harry won't stop apologizing. They've got flour on their face and it's hopelessly endearing and Louis just wants them to know that it's okay.

"Harry, I really don't mind. I get to be here with you, it's fine."

They adjust their apron. "But we planned a date and everything and then I suddenly get called into work." They frown.

"They might as well just let you go home, since you can't focus on anything while I'm here." Louis teases, setting his book down and pulling Harry closer by the apron, raising his eyebrows at them.

Harry rolls their eyes, pulling away from Louis' grip. "I'll be right with you, sir." They tease Louis right back.

"Sir," Louis repeats, winking and trying to get his hands on Harry's apron again. "I like that."

Harry pretends to be annoyed, fondly shaking their head. "Insatiable."

It's nice here. Of course Louis is still kind of sad their date plans got messed up, but he can relax here at the bakery and watch Harry as they work, totally in their element, smiling and interacting with people. He sits back and reads his book, his shoes kicked off, so he can tuck his feet underneath him on the seat, and his glasses on.

Every once in a while Harry walks by and gives Louis a kiss or stops to say something like how cute they think he looks, or how much they can't wait to cuddle when they get home. And other stuff. Louis is hopelessly endeared and slightly turned on. He's trying not to think about Harry in nothing but an apron. 

Eventually Harry plops in the seat in front of Louis, sighing. "M'tired."

"I bet." Louis smiles at them and he's really trying to get this fond thing under control, but it's not really working. "You worked so hard today."

Harry smiles, putting their head in their hands. "I hope no one else walks in."

There's a bell dinging overhead as soon as the words are out of their mouth and they groan quietly, looking at Louis' briefly like they might pull their hair out. Louis wishes he could take their place for a little bit, so they wouldn't have to deal with it.

When Harry is done checking the older lady out, handing her the cake she ordered, they plop down across from Louis again. "Not gonna jinx it this time." They say.

"Hey," Louis takes their hand, kissing the back of it. "You work so hard, baby."

Harry gets bashful at that, shying away from Louis' gaze. It's so sweet that they get like this sometimes, maybe just because Louis called them baby or because of the way he's looking at them. It's such a contrast from how they act sometimes, like they don't care what anyone thinks of them, telling cheeky jokes, bold and unashamed. Louis loves that about Harry. They don't care what people think, and they have this side of them too. The side that blushes when Louis brushes his fingers against theirs, or calls them pumpkin or something equally as cheesy. That's the Harry only Louis gets to see.

He's glad that it's slowed down a lot too, letting him have Harry all to himself if only for a few moments. Earlier it felt like everyone in the entire world wanted to come in the bakery and Louis barely got even a glance from Harry because they were running around, working their tail off. It was sweet to watch them, but after they had planned to spend an entire day together it was kind of a disappointment.

Now though, he's got Harry right in front of him. He gets to play with their fingers and watch them watch him and it's absolutely perfect. The only thing that could make it better is if he had a slice of apple pie, but there's no way in the world he's going to make Harry go get it.

He starts to get up, but Harry grabs his arm, pouting. "Where are you going?"

He pauses. "Gonna get some pie."

Harry frowns. "Pie? Right now?"

Louis ends up laughing, pulling away from Harry's grip and getting up. "It's fine, it'll only take a second."

"I'll get it; you don't even know how to work the register."

Louis puts a hand on their chest before they can actually get up though. "No way, you have been on your feet all day. Just put it on my tab."

"There are no tabs here, Louis." They giggle.

"Well then I'll just have to get you something nice for payment, proper sugar daddy." He teases, poking Harry in the chest now.

Harry rolls their eyes, leaning forward to push Louis' glasses higher on his nose. "Just go get the fucking pie, I'll ring you up later."

Louis smiles like he just won the lottery and ducks down to give Harry a peck on the lips in thanks.

It's not until later when Harry is finally closing up and Louis is leaning against the counter with his phone in his hand scrolling through instagram that Harry crowds his space, pushing him up against the counter without warning.

"Hi." He says, setting his phone behind him. He looks amused.

////

Harry ducks down to kiss his neck. "Time to pay up, daddy."

Louis nearly faints in surprise and grips Harry's bicep hard. He lets out an involuntary sound when he opens his mouth to somehow get an explanation, which is not what he was trying to do, so he tries again. "What?"

"Sugar daddy." Harry says, kissing along his jaw. "Remember?"

"Oh," He lets out in one breath, sounding more like a moan. "Right." He loosens his grip on Harry's arm.

Harry pulls back, furrowing their brow. "Sorry that wasn't funn- Oh." Realization covers their face and they place a hand over their mouth, half out of surprise and to cover over their laughter it seems. "So that's a- a thing for you."

Louis frowns, wishing it wasn't that obvious. Jesus. How is he ever supposed to keep a secret from Harry at this rate? Not that he wants to, but still. "A thing." He scoffs, pulling Harry's hand away from their mouth. "You could say that."

"Do you like it?" They bat their eyelashes at Louis, unable to look up at him coyly because of the height difference, but they sure are making a show of looking down at him just as well, if not better. "Daddy?"

Louis' hips involuntarily twitch forward, colliding with Harry's thigh from how close they're standing.

"Oh my god." Harry says, like they actually can't believe it. "You do really like that, fuck. I didn't think- I mean-" They flush. "I thought that was like, a joke? I didn't think anyone got off on that."

Louis closes his eyes, groaning in embarrassment. Of course Harry would think that he's got the weirdest kink in the world and they're probably going to dump him because he's into freaky shit and he's already scared them away. It's barely been over a month, fuck. "Well, I do." He cringes.

Harry smiles, kissing him. "Hey, don't worry." They say when they pull away. "It's not like we're super vanilla. You did tie me up and make me come three times the other night."

Louis laughs breathily, pressing his nose against Harry's shoulder. "Don't remind me."

Harry smirks. "Okay, so I'm not gonna say that calling you daddy is something I've thought about." They say honestly, stroking their fingers down Louis' back. "I might consider it, but- its not that it turns me off or anything, its just that it doesn't turn me on? I guess I just- I've never thought about it, you know?"

Louis dances his fingers over Harry's chest. He loves their chest honestly, if he could have his hands there all of the time he totally would. "You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with."

"I know that." They smile and Louis pulls away to actually look at them while they talk. He smiles back softly. "I might just stash it away for special occasions." They wink. "It's definitely something to think about."

Louis chews on his lip nervously. "Right, that's the purpose of talking about it." He's really trying to remind himself more than anything.

////

Harry leans forward to kiss him again. "Now, let's go home." They say, linking their hands together.

On the way back, Louis starts to wonder when they started calling Louis' flat "home" instead of "your place" and how he's supposed to get rid of the butterflies in his stomach thanks to that realization.

 

+

 

"This is what I get for having a poet as my boyfriend." Louis says, licking his ice cream and smiling at Harry. "Brunch and tea first, then we hit up a museum. What's next? Vegan food?"

Harry pulls a disgusted face. "You must not know me if you think I would eat vegan." He says and then reaches in his pocket for his phone.

"Not another picture, Harry." Louis rolls his eyes, but he secretly likes the fact that Harry's been taking pictures and videos all day to document this, like he doesn't want the feeling to ever go away even when the moment itself ends. Safekeeping. Louis tries hard not to smile, he has to play a part here.

Harry pouts. "Just one more, please. You look so pretty."

Louis scoffs, but after a compliment like that how is he supposed to turn Harry down? He makes a big show of licking his ice cream, trying to hide his face because it's probably flaming red. He hopes it isn't.

"Need content for instagram." Harry says, poking at his phone.

"I swear to god, if you put me in black and white-"

Harry grabs Louis hand, putting his phone down. "Would never." He promises. "You're so colorful."

Louis chews on the inside of his lip, fighting another smile. "Thank you. So, what actually is next?"

"Well," He looks over the side, smiling. "I don't know if you want to, but I thought we could just go to my favorite places in the city."

"We've already been to all those places together though." Louis isn't complaining, he just thought they'd do something new together. Usually that's the kind of date you'd have with someone you haven't already known for nearly all your life.

"Oh," Harry says, taking a bite of his ice cream. Louis cringes; one thing that bothers him about Harry is that he's one of those people who fucking bites their ice cream. It's weird as fuck and it gives him goosebumps just thinking about it. "Well, I thought it would be different now that we're together. Could make new memories."

Louis does like that idea.

"If you want to do something else, we-"

"No, no." He squeezes Harry's hand, which is only slightly sticky. "I think that's a great idea. You can kiss me against that one tree you really like."

"It's not just a tree. It's a good tree." Harry says, defending himself.

Louis can't help but laugh softly, biting into his cone and squeezing Harry's hand again before pulling away. "Next time I get to chose the date activities."

Harry shrugs, finishing his ice cream in three quick bites. He takes the biggest bites, this is why Louis doesn't believe him when he asks for a tiny bite just to try whatever Louis is having.

////

"I'll show you the true meaning of Netflix and chill."

He nearly spits out his ice cream laughing. "So you just want to have sex."

Louis raises an eyebrow at him. "And?"

"That's not a date."

He waves his hand around. "Technicalities. We can like, talk during it or something."

Harry giggles, covering his face with a napkin.

////

Later, after walking around the city hand in hand and going for lunch, they do end up kissing against Harry's favorite tree. They also pass his favorite buildings, his favorite cafe for poetry reading, his favorite place for writing, and his favorite park. Louis kisses him in every single place, trying to make a brand new memory for each.

 

+

 

Louis comes home to find Harry inside of his flat on the couch with the tv on. She tends to let herself in a lot these days if she doesn't have to work or if she wants a quiet place to study. She's always had an extra key and it's getting pretty rare for her to spend the night at her own flat. Niall complains every time Louis has lunch with him that he's stealing Harry away. Liam always says it's sweet though, that it's what Zayn did before they ended up moving in together. Zayn had been flatmates with Niall too. Louis spares a thought for his loss, but when he sees Harry all curled up on his couch with a blanket over her legs, he doesn't really have much sympathy at all.

Maybe they will move in together. Maybe that's fast, but he wants it. He'll wait though, doesn't want to scare her away.

"Hey," Louis says, placing his grocery bags on the kitchen counter and walking into the living room without bothering to put anything away yet. The room smells like chemicals and he itches his nose, Harry coming into view where she's perched on the couch.

She's painting her nails. "Hi, love."

"Oh," Louis' stomach twists with the smell of the nail polish. It's a pretty lavender color that make her hands look even paler than they already are, but it smells like Friday nights at Louis' childhood home. He remembers doing the girls' nails and having to open his windows afterward just so he could get some fresh air to alleviate the smell. It's a bit hypocritical now that he smokes sometimes, but still. It's Harry though, so it makes it somewhat tolerable. "That's pretty."

Harry bites her lip, fighting a huge grin. "You think? It was between that one and another color." She grabs it off the coffee table to show to Louis. It's a bright magenta color and Louis thinks that really any color would look good on Harry, but the lavender really suits her.

"You look good in lavender." He sits down next to her. "It's understated, but still pretty."

She shrugs one shoulder and leans over to peck Louis on the lips. "Hi."

Louis smiles at her. "Hi. What are you watching?"

"Orange is the New Black." She blushes. "Feeling really-" Flapping her hand around a bit, she shrugs again. "Not that it's- I'm- girly, very girly today." There's still a blush high on her cheeks when she stops talking and it continues to linger there as she returns to painting her nails. She's almost done with the second coat.

"S'alright, love." Louis gives her thigh a light squeeze.

"Would cuddle you, but these will take a little while to dry."

She struggles to get the cap back on the bottle, so Louis' takes it and does it for her.

Harry is still blushing when she thanks Louis, curling her legs underneath her and settling back against the couch, blowing air on her fingers.

There's a weird pull in Louis' chest, watching the action. He's not sure what exactly that means, so he just turns back to the tv taking a deep breath. He reminds himself that it's just Harry, even though it feels different and her pronouns sometimes are hard to remember and he comes home to stuff like this. Harry with her nails painted. It's a lot to take in and he keeps trying to remind himself that it's really not about how he feels, but shouldn't it be a little bit? Before when they were friends maybe that didn't matter, but now that they're together that changes things. He's holding back from telling her how he feels, not sure if she'll take it very well. It's not that he's uncomfortable with Harry expressing her gender, it just feels like Harry just flipped a switch, like she really let the floodgates open after coming out and it's a lot for Louis to adjust to.

Harry is totally oblivious to Louis' internal monologue though, leaning back and laying her head in Louis' lap. She pulls the blanket up along with her gingerly, careful not to mess up her nails. "How was work?"

Louis automatically puts his fingers in Harry's hair, curling a long piece around his finger. "It wasn't really busy so Liam and I watched those videos we posted on youtube like 6 years ago of Niall falling." He chuckles. "We also threw balled up pieces of paper into a waste basket and made up a score system."

"I'm so jealous, why isn't university like that?" She pouts.

Louis massages his fingers into her hair, using his other hand to run his fingers over her shoulder where her sweater has started falling off. "S'why I dropped out."

Harry knows the real reason that Louis dropped out, but she doesn't say anything about it, just hums in agreement, basking in the attention from Louis. They sit in silence for a while, watching tv while Harry blows on her wet nail polish.

Louis likes this, he could stay wrapped up in Harry forever, because they work even if they're just sitting in silence. He feels better just being around her even if they're sitting around watching tv and talking about their day. He loves her even if she's just cooking and he's just there, sitting on the counter making it hard for her to focus. Louis just likes being in her space and being around her no matter what they're doing.

Harry turns in Louis' lap, making Louis remove his fingers from her hair. She looks up at him and smiles. "Love you."

Louis' eyes crinkle at the corners when he hears that, his heart nearly bursting out of his chest. "Why'd you say that for?"

She shrugs. "No particular reason, just because I do."

Louis has nowhere to hide his face from Harry, just balls up a fist and tries to hide behind that, blushing. Its hard to get Louis to blush normally, but Harry makes him just by saying she loves him. "Love you too."

Harry reaches up and pulls his fist away from his face. "You're cute when you blush." She smiles, eyes getting a bit droopy as she squeezes Louis' hand. "Think my nails are dry now."

"Gonna sleep?" Louis asks.

"Fuck no," She says very wholeheartedly, sitting up now maybe so she doesn't actually fall asleep. Honestly Harry is always falling asleep anywhere at any time; she's worse than Zayn. "My nails aren't that dry yet. Don't want to get those weird sleep creases in my nail polish."

Louis has no idea what she's talking about, but he nods along as if he gets it. He doesn't.

"Be right back." She says, grabbing her bottles of nail polish and getting up off the couch, the blanket falling off her waist. She's only wearing the sweater and a pair of pink panties, which the shirt is doing hardly anything to cover at all. Louis' jaw hangs open a little bit before he forces himself to close it.

Before Harry gets back Louis tries to school his expression into something less shell shocked and fails, so instead he just gets up and puts away the groceries he already forgot about. It's mostly cheap stuff that he can make from the box so it's not like it's going to spoil if he leaves it out, but still. It gives him something to do while he tries to wrap his head around the fact that his girlfriend is walking around the house in just her underwear. He's probably overreacting anyway, it's not that big of a deal.

While he's trying to convince himself of that, Harry appears in the doorway of the kitchen, resting against the doorpost. She wiggles her fingers. "All dry."

Louis looks up and tries not to lick his lips at the sight of Harry's sweater falling over her shoulders. "Good." He says, voice as steady as it's going to get given the circumstances. He glances down at Harry's fuzzy socks, those always turn him off. They're cute, but thinking of them usually works when he wants to avoid a boner at an inconvenient time. Thank god she's wearing the orange ones. It doesn't help when she slings her arms over Louis' shoulders and plants a kiss to his cheek though.

"Need help?"

Yes, he really does. "No, I got it. Thanks babe."

She smiles, hopping up onto the counter which is really effortless because of how tall she is.

Louis glances over to see the pale expanse of Harry's thighs and he gets kind of stuck, a package of strawberries in his hand while he stands in the middle of the kitchen.

"Alright?" Harry asks.

He snaps out of it quickly, opening the fridge and sticking the strawberries inside. He's acting so silly over a pair of thighs for Christ's sake. He nods. "Alright."

"Hey," Harry says, reaching out for Louis when he finally turns around from the fridge.

He steps over towards her. "Hm?"

She reaches out for Louis' arm, tugging him closer. "I appreciate your appreciation of my choice of dress," She stars, tracing shapes on Louis' bicep when he stands in front of her. He scoffs playfully and she squeezes his bicep, smiling. "This is normal though, yeah? Like no different from me wearing my boxers 'round."

"But it _is_  different, innit?" He bites his lip, contemplating what he'll say next. Harry always pulls the things that he's thinking out of him, like she just knows that Louis is thinking something he isn't ready to tell yet. It's almost unfair.

"It's not a sex thing, I told you that." Harry says, almost like it's a warning, like Louis would ever actually think that. He might unconsciously think it though, maybe that's why Harry's warning him. He sucks his lip into his mouth again. "I'm not hard, see that?" Harry points towards her crotch with her free hand. "It doesn't get me off, it's just underwear."

"It's new." Louis supplies, feeling a little nervous. Harry is always so unapologetically right about most things really, and Louis makes so many mistakes it feels like. He's out of his depth completely. "Like, it's still new to me, this."

"I know that, but you have to get used to the fact that this is normal. I mean, it's not like you're not allowed to be attracted to me- to my body, but the panties are not a kink." She lowers her hand from Louis' bicep and he feels like he's losing his anchor, feeling anxious when Harry pulls her bottom lip between her fingers, pensive. "I'm not a boy in 'girls underwear'."

Louis is not sure how to reply to that, because maybe that's how he still sees Harry. It's hard to see past that when he's thought Harry was a boy nearly their whole life, as long as he's known her. He still gets her pronouns mixed up in his head and he's glad she's not out to anyone yet because he can at least try to get it right in his head first. It's easier to classify Harry by her penis and he knows that's wrong, it's just difficult. Maybe it would be easier if Harry said she wanted to completely be a girl, but also maybe not, Louis doesn't know. He doesn't really like girls is the thing and he doesn't even really get Harry's gender, even though he's read about it. The concept is completely fucking foreign to him. He's trying but, _fuck_. He really needs Harry to cut him some slack.

"I'm trying." Is what he settles for after a few beats too long of silence. 

Harry lets her lip go and it looks plump and soft and moisturized. Louis has to look away. The thing is that Harry keeps asking Louis to throw away these gender stereotypes from his head, like thinking Harry's lips look like girl's lips and just thinking of them as a persons lips or that pink is for girls and blue is for boys. It's hard to wrap his head around.

She looks like she's thinking. "I get that it's hard, but think about how hard it is for me. Everyone is going to see me as a guy, even you sometimes." She looks up at the ceiling, sniffing harshly like she's trying not to get emotional over it. "I need you to not think about how you feel about it and put yourself in my shoes."

"I don't-" Louis huffs quietly. "Not sure if that's fair."

"If you would put yourself in my place then you'd see, my position is much harder than yours." Her voice raises just slightly towards the end of her sentence. Louis feels the tension rising, like they can sense those feelings coming off of each other, despite trying to talk about it gently at first. He knows that Harry wears her heart on her sleeve, but when someone makes hurts her or makes her cry, she gets mad. Sometimes it's with tears streaming down her face, but she gets mad anyway. She gets up to start doing the dishes while Louis stands behind her thinking.

"You can't just-" Louis looks away briefly. They're not touching in any way now, Harry has soap all over her newly painted nails and she's probably going to ruin them. She has dish gloves at her flat, but Louis doesn't even though Harry complains that he should buy some every time she does the dishes at his flat. "You can't act like my feelings don't matter Harry." He leans up against the counter so they can actually look at each other while they talk since Harry is turned toward the sink.

Harry lets out a dry chuckle. "How would I know when you never talk about them?" Her voice is getting deeper and Louis knows he's in trouble now.

He starts feeling defensive after that, his instinct kicking in. "How could I get a word in edgewise when you're always fucking talking about yours?"

"Oh, that's fucking rich." Harry says, all but throwing her head back. She soaps up a couple of pieces of silverware and then runs the water over them. Louis worries briefly that she might hurt herself since her movements aren't calculated, likely thinking of what she's going to say next and not the task at hand. "So, tell me how you feel then."

Louis pauses. "I-" He wasn't really expecting that. "It's like, you're this different person with other people and I still have to call you boyfriend, it's hard not to see you as 'boyfriend'." He wanted Harry to be that for so long, and now that she's not it's turning out to be an adjustment to say the least. "I feel sometimes like you could go a little slower with all of this, it's hard to adjust."

"To adjust?" She asks sarcastically and sniffles briefly, shaking her head. "This isn't like a relationship Louis, I can't take it slow. It's my gender. I'm sorry you can't wrap your head around it, but you're going to have to learn to."

"You could make it a little easier for me." Louis is the one raising his voice this time, matching Harry's volume. They're not yelling yet, they hardly ever do, but they usually get pretty damn close so they might as well be.

There's a sharp intake of breath from Harry and she nearly cracks a dish, shoving it into the dish rack to dry. "I'm so tired of you making yourself the victim when you're the one who pretends like my gender isn't really valid until I'm out to everyone." She's cleaning each dish rougher as she continues talking, like she's taking her anger out on those instead of Louis. "I'm sorry you don't want a girlfriend because you're afraid. You're this big gay who doesn't want to be with anyone who might remind you of the people you used to pretend to date and you're _scared_ , aren't you? I've got news for you though, Louis, that's what I am. I'm your fucking _girlfriend_." She says it like it's poison in her mouth, biting and angry.

"Well, you are nagging me like a girlfriend right now." Louis says and it's petty and it's not even a good comeback, but he can't let Harry have the last word, no matter how right she is.

Harry squeezed her eyes shut and squeezes the dish that's in her hand before she throws it hard down into the sink, and Louis can hear the sound of it breaking right before Harry throws the sponge in there too for good measure. When she turns to Louis' her eyes are rimmed red and she's not crying, but she looks like she might. Her voice is oddly calm when she addresses Louis' next. "Of all of the people to invalidate my gender, I never expected it to be you. I expected it from everyone else I dated because they never knew, but you actually know." There's a small moment of silence where Louis thinks maybe Harry's going to say something else because they're just looking at each other, but then she just turns on her heel and leaves the room.

Louis eventually walks over to sit on the couch for a long time with his head in his hands while Harry stays locked in the bathroom. It feels like ages, like it could actually be years that he sits there thinking about what Harry said. It's just fucking difficult because Harry is always right but Louis feels like she sometimes goes about being right the wrong way, and even though he doesn't talk about it he gets really hurt by the things she says. Not that he doesn't deserve them, he probably hurts Harry too, but he wishes they could talk about things like a normal adult couple. Maybe that's only in the movies or something, maybe everyone is like this. It's not always like this either, is the thing; they work so well together on everything else, but when they fight about the serious things they really do fight.

It feels cheap to apologize, so before he really thinks about what he's doing, Louis finds himself rummaging through a drawer in his bedroom for a pen and a piece of paper. He scribbles out a note really quick to tell Harry that he's just stepped out to the store so he can think, in case she ever actually leaves the bathroom, and then he goes downstairs to get in his car.

It doesn't take long really, especially because at this hour the stores are pretty empty and Louis is only buying two things. So it's only been about twenty minutes once he gets back to his flat and Harry is still in the bathroom so he just crumples up his note when he sees it sitting idle on the coffee table. He doesn't even dare going into the kitchen, doesn't want to think about it right now.

Instead, he makes a beeline towards the bathroom door, knocking softly.

"What?" Harry's voice sounds strained from the other side of the door.

"I've come to apologize." Louis says, pressing his cheek against the door like it'll somehow bring him closer to Harry.

Harry opens the door a crack, poking her nose out. "You have to understand where I'm coming from." She says softly, and she's definitely been crying which tugs on Louis' heartstrings. "I felt so stupid standing there in the kitchen having you basically call me a boy while I stood there in my fucking pink panties. Like- when I felt like I could be nothing but myself around you."

"I'm sorry Harry, please- I didn't-" He groans, leaning his head against the doorpost. "I'm trying not to be a dick and I know when it comes to this your feelings are more important than mine, but you have to know that it's still hard, yeah? That's not really an excuse though. I'm trying, I don't know what else to do, but I really didn't mean to hurt you. Please let me in."

Harry pauses for a moment, like maybe she's evaluating Louis' apology before opening the door a little wider. She still looks the same, except now her nose is red and so are her eyes. She wipes her nose with the back of her hand, frowning. "I always feel like I should wait longer to forgive you so you can suffer the consequences." She looks conflicted, looking down at the floor. "I just want to be myself around you."

"You can." Louis assures her, reaching a hand out tentatively and Harry walks into it, lets her own fingers wrap around Louis', her lavender nails contrasting against Louis' skin.

"I know the whole point of being gay is being with a boy, like I get that and I'm so-"

"If you're gonna apologize for being yourself, I'm gonna stop you right there." Louis says, rubbing his thumb over Harry's. "I don't want a boy, okay? I want you, even if sometimes I'm a fucking dickhead and I don't deserve you."

"You always- you deserve me." She says, squeezing Louis' hand and finally looking up at him.

Louis smiles softly. "You've got such a good heart." They make up so fast after fights, Louis thinks it's probably not fair how eager they are to forgive one another, or really how eager Harry is to forgive him since he's the one who always seems to be fucking up.

"And you're too hard on yourself."

He shrugs, even though it's probably true. "I bought you Werther's Original and some licorice as kind of an apology. Like a peace offering."

"A peace offering." She snorts and then pauses for a moment, smiling softly. "Will you take a shower with me first?" 

////

 

Its almost impossible for anyone to look as good as Harry does when her hair is all wet and stuck to her forehead. She has such beautiful hair, and when she's out of the water spray, which is often because Louis' shower is small and his shower head sucks, it curls up just slightly at the end. It's much longer like this, since she's been growing it out now for a long while.

"Love your hair." Louis says, running his fingers through it now that it's conditioned and the tangles are out.

Harry hums. "Grew it myself."

Louis snorts and then turns his back to Harry to rinse out his own hair, running his hands down his face to make sure he doesn't have any soap there when he's done. He nearly chokes on water when he feels Harry's arms come out from behind him though, one pinching at his nipple and another trailing down towards his cock.

He lets out a small noise of surprise, leaning back into Harry's front, feeling her hands roam around almost blindly as she teases him.

"What are you doing?" He asks and he hopes it comes across more teasing than cautious because his own voice sounds too tentative for his liking.

Harry kisses along the back of his neck. "Wanna feel you." She says, which. Louis isn't opposed, however vague that statement might be.

When she finally closes her hand around the base of his cock, Louis is pretty sure that she moans louder into the back of his neck than he himself moans at the feeling.

She drags her lips along the side of his neck, stopping when he reaches his ear, starting the leave a mark behind it as she begins to move her hand along Louis' length. Louis stares at Harry's nail polish as her fist glides over his cock and her teeth come out to bite at his neck. Her movements are languid, like the way she speaks, slow like honey. Louis arches slightly into the touch.

"Fuck." He breathes when she flicks her wrist and breathes out against the love bite she left on his neck.

She hums, smirking against Louis' neck and pulling him back by his hip with her free hand so he can feel how hard she is behind him. "Hard." She mumbles.

Louis grips onto her thigh just to have something to hold onto, feeling like he might slip out from his own feet if he doesn't ground himself somehow.

Her hips come forward to meet his ass and she moans, biting into Louis' neck to muffle it. She always gets so loud and tries to tone it down; Louis' wishes she wouldn't. There's nothing in this world that Louis loves more than hearing Harry moan, but right now he's probably feeling a little bias.

He feels her start to steadily bring her hips forward slowly, like she's aching for some sort of friction. She starts panting into his ear and when Louis reaches back to drag his fingers over her cock she moans out loud.

She bites his ear, choking on a whimper and then slowly she leans in. "Please, daddy." She breathes out.

Louis immediately whips around to look at her face, jaw dropping open involuntarily. He fishmouths for a moment, just watching her reach down to tug at her own cock, biting her lip coyly. Her pupils are blown wide, but otherwise she's silent.

Louis struggles to get any words out and it gets harder when Harry drops to her knees, the shower water splashing onto her face when she looks up and tries to smile at Louis. She scoots back a little, pulling Louis closer by the hips to stand in front of her so the water is on his back instead of on her face.

She surges forward, getting a hand around Louis again and kissing the side of his cock so it presses up against her face. "Daddy," She mumbles out again.

Louis' knees nearly buckle. "What are you doing?" He repeats his question from earlier.

Harry looks up at him. "You like it right?"

What a question, honestly. "Yes, but you said-"

"I'm forgiving you, yeah?" She doesn't wait for a response, just leans forward to get her mouth of the head of Louis' cock, holding his hips steady.

Louis lets out a breathy moan, smacking his hand against the shower wall and wrapping his other hand up in Harry's hair. He tugs just slightly and she moans, trying to take Louis' deeper. Eventually she gets impatient and she just drags Louis forward by his hips, forcing him to go down her throat as deep as possible.

Louis ends up being the one who chokes, his hips stuttering and his hand slipping off the tile. "Baby." He moans, tugging Harry's hair even harder, having to steel himself when Harry moans around him again.

Every time Harry goes down on him, Louis quite literally feels like his brain is being sucked out of his dick. She does this indescribable thing with her tongue that makes it almost impossible for Louis to do anything other than have Harry's name on a constant loop in his head, much less trying to find a way to describe Harry's fucking tongue.

Harry pulls away when it starts to become too much, her eyes watery but this time in the good way. She smirks up him and places her lips back by the tip of his cock, jerking him off with her hand once again. "Close, daddy?"

Louis throws his head back, can barely even look at Harry without literally coming right on the spot. The way the word curls over her lips, like she's teasing Louis with it, but at the same time not making fun of him with it in the slightest. "You can't just- I-" He cuts off with a moan. He can't believe how lucky he is that he has someone who'll indulge him in his kinks or whatever else. Harry is an absolute angel.

"Are you close?" Harry asks again, her lips brushing over his cock every time she speaks.

He lets out a very eloquent " _nngh_ " sound before telling her that yes, he is. "Very."

"Want you to." She says, before taking the tip into her mouth again.

Louis' hips jerk forward by accident and he tangles all his fingers into Harry's hair after that because clearly holding onto the wall is not working. The water on his back is starting to run a little colder.

Harry pulls back, ghosting her lips over him and tugging his cock faster, her lavender fingers becoming a blur of purple. "C'mon." She urges, tilting her face up just slightly.

Louis comes hard at the implications of that, over most of the bottom part of Harry's face, a drop catching on her eyelash. His hips stutter forward smearing it onto Harry's lips, and she blinks her eyes open smiling, dimple popping out.

"You can't just grin at me after something like that." Louis pants out, his chest heaving.

"S'good for the skin." She says, wiping some off of the corner of her mouth and gently sucking her thumb into her mouth, cleaning it off.

Louis' knees do buckle that time and he grabs onto the wall for support. "How's it taste?" He asks breathlessly.

Harry starts laughing at that, pressing her nose into Louis' thigh. "Bitter." She laughs out. "You should try eating more fruit."

"Oh fuck off." He says, rolling his eyes, but he's smiling fondly down at her. He offers her his shaky hands, helping her up. "Wash up quick before the water goes cold."

They shuffle past each other and Harry washes her face under the stream of water, wincing slightly. "It's already cold."

"I guess I didn't notice because you got me so hot." Louis smirks crowding into Harry's space.

Harry is the one to roll her eyes this time, pushing Louis off. "Ew, what a line. Gonna have to think of something better if you want to get in my pants."

"You're not wearing pants." Louis deadpans which makes Harry laugh, shutting off the water as she does. She grabs towels for the two of them to dry off with.

It always takes Louis less time to dry off because he's smaller and he has much shorter hair than Harry. He comes up close to her, his towel secured low around his hips and he rests his hand on Harry's side.

"Hey," He says softly, rubbing his thumb against Harry's skin as she dries off her hair.

"Hey," Harry answers back, rubbing the towel over the ends of her hair.

"I know you're feeling-" He pauses, trying to chose his words wisely while Harry gives him her full attention, listening to him attentively. "Like- it's a girl day, yeah?" They really need to come up with better words for it, but that's how Harry refers to herself so Louis is trying to just go with it.

Harry nods.

"So I don't reckon you'd be up to fucking me, would ya?"

Her eyes widen and she nods. "Yes, I- I wanna."  Directly after that she drops her towel and takes off starkers out of the bathroom. "Race you to the bedroom!" She calls out.

Louis is so so so in love with her.

 

+

////

 

The pub they're at is dark, most of the light inside is either coming from the candles on the tables or the street lights from outside. It's slightly romantic, if it weren't for the drunk people around them and the fact that they can barely hear or see each other due to the live music playing and the situation with the light. They're sitting right next to each other though, so at least they can lean in close to talk to each other over the music. Leave it to Niall to pick such a shit place, insisting that they have a date there because of course they have to. It's an Irish pub too, so obviously Niall likes it. They have good drinks though, and currently Harry has a blush high on their cheeks as they hang off of Louis' arm, giggling about nothing. They're not drunk yet, but they're well on their way there. Louis thinks it's quite cute to watch them progressively get tipsier and tipsier. Louis is on the same page as them, working his way to getting drunk. Thank god they came here by bus because neither of them are in a position to be driving right now; they'll probably have to take a taxi home.

He doesn't really want to worry about that right now. He feels warm and bubbly and Harry's hand is on his thigh so he feels more than good right now.

"They're pretty good." Harry is referring to the person playing the music. They practically have to speak into Louis' neck for him to be able to hear them.

Louis has taken notice of the fact that Harry always refers to people by a gender neutral term if they don't know them. Louis tries to do the same thing, but it's a hard habit to break. He admires the fact that Harry thinks about others enough to actually put it into practice. Probably because they understand what it's like firsthand for someone to just wrongly assume your gender.

He lets Harry snuggle against him, both of them swaying to the music. Louis feels quite content, will feel totally fine after his next and last drink. Louis loves a good mojito; he can't resist. It's definitely a good drink to end the night with, very refreshing.

The waitress comes by, dropping off Louis' drink and the gin and tonic Harry ordered. That's refreshing too, Louis thinks, leaning over to take a sip of it.

Harry bats him away. "Heyyyyy." They say, jutting out their bottom lip.

Louis unabashedly smiles fondly at Harry, his eyes crinkling at the corners even more than normal. "You're so fucking cute." He's slightly running his words together, but all things considered he's doing pretty good.

Harry blushes and occupies their hands by pulling Louis' drink towards them. "S'only fair I get a sip of yours now."

"S'only fair." Louis repeats, agreeing. He nods his head like this is something much more serious.

They make a big show of drinking Louis' drink, swishing it around in the glass and smelling it like it's some sort of wine tasting event, which has Louis giggling hard into Harry's shoulder. When they finally start drinking they close their eyes, savoring the taste. "Can we trade?" They ask, eyes wide.

Louis bites his lip, considering. "Okay." He says. Honestly, he'd probably let Harry have anything they wanted.

Harry kisses him immediately, almost before the word is even out of his mouth, like being able to trade drinks is the greatest gift in the entire world.

Louis wraps his arms over Harry's shoulders, bringing them closer so he can kiss Harry deeper and suddenly they end up being that one obnoxious drunk couple that's making out and making everyone uncomfortable. Louis doesn't care though, not really. It's not like anyone can stop them from showing each other how much they love one another. He knows he's the sappiest drunk anyone has ever met, but that doesn't stop him, especially not when it comes to Harry. He feels invincible, like he could just shout it from the rooftops how much he loves Harry. That's kind of cliche though. He could get up on the table- now, there's an idea.

He starts to get up and Harry frowns, pulling him back down. "Where are you going?"

Louis nuzzles into Harry's neck instead of answering. "I love you. Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

They blush, leaning over to take a sip of their drink, careful not to jostle Louis' where he's tucked under their chin. "Maybe."

Louis huffs. "Well, I do. Gonna tell this whole damn pub if I have to." He grumbles, a little upset that Harry unknowingly stopped him from making a huge love declaration.

"Don't need to." Harry reassures him. "Just need to tell me right here." They gesture to the space in front of them.

An idea pops into Louis head and he removes himself from Harry's shoulder to look them in the eyes. "Can I call you girlfriend, to the waitress?"

"Oh." They flush more so than they already are, taking in a quick breath. "You want to do that?"

"Love." He smiles. "My love, I'd love to. I'd love it. I love you."

Harry giggles, reaching out clumsily for Louis' hand so they can squeeze it. "Yes." They nod enthusiastically and is this reckless? Louis doesn't know, but he likes the way he feels right now. "Do it."

It feels like it takes ages for the waitress to come back around, but they spend the time that they're waiting giggling and playing with each others fingers, completely caught up in each other. It's intoxicating, more so than the drinks that Louis has had. Being around Harry feels all encompassing, like he gets a high from it or something. He's not really thinking straight, trying to come up with metaphors just to say that being with Harry feels good. It feels right.

"You boys alright, would you like the check now?"

Louis does notice how she doesn't ask them if they'd like anymore drinks like she did last time. Maybe she's cutting them without actually saying anything, or maybe she just senses that they're winding down and possibly ready to go home. Or maybe they're taking up too much space and they're getting annoying. Louis goes through a couple more possibilities in his head before forgetting it because it's silly and he doesn't care.

There's that assumption again though, she called them boys. Louis frowns. "My girlfriend and I would like the check now." He says pointedly, grinning really big and proud even though Harry's hand is slightly shaking in his.

"Oh," She blanches slightly at that, like she's unsure if Louis is just saying that because he's drunk and joking around, or if he's actually trying to make a point and correct her. It's the latter obviously and Louis is getting impatient. "Right." She starts collecting empty glasses from the table. "I'll be right back."

Harry giggles into Louis' back, briefly stopping to bite his shoulder blade before erupting into another fit of giggles. "I can't believe we did that."

"Girlfriend, my girlfriend." He turns his head so he can look Harry in the eyes. Their eyes are full of mirth and they look really happy, Louis wishes they always looked like this.

They lean up to give him a quick peck. "M'boyfriend." They mumble against Louis' lips. "Perfect, you are. Love you."

Louis blushes, poking Harry's dimple when it appears. "Love you too."

 

The next morning doesn't feel so worth it anymore, not even for the wonderful feeling Louis had last night. When they got back to the flat the both of them kissed for a while and then ended up falling asleep on top of each other, too tired to take it any further, despite how eager they were for each other in the taxi back home.

In contrast, waking up the next morning feels like hell. Louis is sure he's in hell. His head is on Harry's chest though so that makes it a little better. If he had to wake up in hell he's glad that he at least did it with his body pressed up against Harry's.

"G'morning." Louis feels Harry's chest rumble when they say it. They must have been awake already for a while just waiting for Louis to wake up on his own, because they never move unless they have to in the morning; they hate waking Louis' up apparently.

Louis grunts, burying his face back into Harry's bare chest. What a nice way to wake up honestly. Still though, his head is pounding and the light pouring in from the window isn't helping in the slightest. Louis always remembers to close the blinds when he's sober, but apparently habits don't quite stick if you're drunk. "Bad morning."

Harry chuckles, running their fingers through Louis' tangled hair, gently pulling at some of the knots. "Very bad."

Louis hums back in agreement, closing his eyes again. "Headache."

"Do you want me to get you something?" Harry asks, so fucking sweet always.

Louis spares a smile at the gesture, but ultimately his desire to have Harry's warm body close to his wins out. He slings an arm over their waist, holding on very tightly in case they even so much as think about moving. "Stay."

They giggle, running a hand down Louis' back. "Not goin' anywhere."

The practical side of them eventually has to win out. It happens at around 11am, unfortunately. Louis doesn't really have all that much to do, but if Harry is going to get anything done they sort of have to pry Louis off their body, as if him just being there isn't enough of distraction, not that Harry really looks like they mind either way. Louis is curled up next to them as they write up an essay on their laptop, which they now apparently keep at Louis' the majority of the time since they're over there so much doing schoolwork.

The idea of living together doesn't seem like a scary one when Louis gets to be a part of a morning like this.

Louis tucks that idea into the back of his mind and just lets himself be with Harry for now, warm and feeling loved in the best way possible.

 

+

 

Louis is annoyed with Niall.

Its only five months in, but he keeps spouting off about how Louis' six month anniversary with Harry has to be something extra special. He talks and talks about it until he gets Liam started on it too. Liam, who Louis made the mistake of telling that he wanted to ask Harry to move in with him. Maybe. Possibly, if Harry wants to.

Louis continues to chicken out every single time he gets an opportunity to ask Harry to move in with him and Louis knows he could just easily _ask_ , they practically live in each others pockets as it is. Harry has a lot of things already at Louis' house, not to mention the fact that both of them have always kept spare necessities at each others flats; they've always been a little codependent. He doesn't need Liam to tell him that though.

Louis has kind of already had something in the works already. He was thinking maybe they'd have a nice dinner at a fancy expensive place and order the best wine, maybe he'd ask Harry to move in with him then, if he feels so inclined. He doesn't know why his friends are making it their business to plan his anniversary for him.

Zayn is a great friend, he never interferes. He wishes Zayn would tell his boyfriend to back off a little too. Louis can handle Niall, but not Niall _and_  Liam.

"It has to be a trip." Niall says. "He'd love a trip, innit? That's super romantic! You could go to Paris."

Louis rolls his eyes. "First of all, what would you know about romance, and second its not exactly cheap to go to _Paris_."

"We could pitch in!" Niall blurts out like its the best idea in the world. Liam looks a little stricken initially by the suggestion, and Louis can see the wheels turning in his head, thinking of how he can let Niall down easy from the suggestion.

"You don't have to do that." Louis waves him off. "We're just gonna do dinner or something, very romantic."

Niall pouts but nods anyway. He has to understand, people have to live within their means, and if that means not going to Paris with their beautiful girlfriend whom they love very much and want to give the world to, then that person would have to realize that it is what it is. Dinner will be lovely either way, whether its in Paris or even if it was in the middle of the fucking desert. As long as Harry's there it'll be perfect.

Never let it be said that Louis isn't about huge romantic gestures though. It may not be a trip to Paris, but he does intend to sweep Harry off her feet.

"Was gonna ask Zayn, but you lot could help to." Louis says, deciding that maybe its okay to enlist their help, even if Niall might give some things away to Harry. Maybe he won't reveal some of the details of the plan with him.

"I can text Zayn." Liam offers, taking his phone out of his pocket.

"Okay," Louis takes his out as well, opening up his notes. "Now, lets make a list of all the things sh-" He clears his throat and licks his lips, hoping his slip up wasn't noticeable. "That he likes." No one notices, Niall just starts spouting off shit that Harry is into that Louis already knows and probably can't use, like the fact that she likes yoga. Everyone and their brother knows that Harry likes yoga.

"It needs to be more personal," Louis says, opening up his messages and trying to find something in there maybe that he can incorporate into a huge romantic display of his undying love for Harry. He frowns; the last few messages are just emojis.

Niall looks over his shoulder. "Buy him an emoji pillow- oh, gross, I didn't need to see that text."

Louis shoves him over. "That's what you get, you nosy arse."

////

He scrolls by a long mesaage and he stops, trying to remember when Harry sent him this.

 

**harry: had a dream about you last night x**

 

Louis remembers now, he was lying on his bed, just having woken up to Harry's message and he was already smiling, which is ridiculously uncharacteristic of him because he hates mornings.

 

**louis: yeah?**

 

**harry: yeah, you took me out for ice cream and you had bought me a super fluffy guinea pig and i cried because it was so cute and fluffy and then we fucked on the table in the ice cream shop..didnt know i was into public sex, but apparently i am. also i love guinea pigs**

 

////

Louis snorts reading the message back, and then again after looking at the message full of smirking emojis Harry had sent right after that. It makes him realize that maybe he doesn't have to do anything too elaborate, like maybe just doing things together, _existing together_ , is the biggest gesture of romance. He smiles fondly at his phone for a little too long, thinking of how in love he is with the weirdest person alive, and god does he love her with all of his heart.

Eventually Niall is snapping in his face and Louis finally looks up.

He smiles. "Okay, here's what we're going to do."

 

+

 

"Louis this is so-" Harry's eyes practically twinkle as she looks around the restaurant. Even Louis is impressed; they have an entire menu for wine and considering the last place Louis and Harry went out to eat at had plastic cutlery, this is a gigantic step up. "Amazing, Lou, you didn’t have to."

"Yeah, I did." He smiles, taking a look at the wine menu. Louis usually buys cheap wine and sometimes even boxed wine, so he knows nothing about what to get. He doesn't want to ask Harry to help because this is all about sweeping her off her feet, but he may end up having to ask her anyway.

"You look really hot, by the way." Harry says, hooking her ankle around Louis' and taking a drink of her water.

He flushes, hiding behind the menu. "Coming from you, the queen of good looks."

Harry splutters, nearly choking on her water. "'Queen of good looks'? What a line, consider me officially wooed."

"Oh shut up," Louis grumbles.

Harry keeps looking around, hasn't even taken a look at the menu. Louis can't blame her, the architecture of this restaurant really is beautiful. 

"I'm glad you like this place." Louis tells her, smiling at her expression, both of them looking soft and in love. "I want this night to be really special for you."

"It already is, trust me." Harry assures him, still smiling like she can't actually stop. She pushes her hair out of her face and finally looks at the menu.

Louis clears his throat. "Can you, uh-" He pushes the wine menu towards her. "Pick a wine, I have no idea what I'm doing."

Harry nods fondly. Louis had no idea that someone could nod fondly, but here Harry is, proving him wrong.

Louis watches her, smiling softly, eyes crinkling. She really looks beautiful; her hair is down, curled perfectly over her shoulders, her eyes look bright green tonight under the lights, exaggerated by the fact that she's wearing mascara and a subtle lipstick. Louis can't look at her lips without wanting to kiss her, so he just looks at her eyes which is almost just as bad.

When Harry looks up from the menu Louis is still looking at her. His cheeks start turning pink as his small smile turns into something even bigger. Harry smiles back and there's a moment where they sit across from each other just smiling.

Harry breaks the silence. "This one." She says, sliding the menu over, her finger pressed to the name of a wine that looks maybe French, Louis has no idea; he failed French in school and that was forever ago anyway.

"Prepare for me to fuck up the name of this wine."

"S'alright." She's still smiling and Louis spares a thought to how cheesy this is, just them smiling and being in love at a fancy restaurant. Maybe Niall was right, maybe they should have done something different. Harry seems so happy though, like this is all she could have ever wanted from Louis, so he relaxes, reaching out to take her hand over the table.

She gives his hand a squeeze and Louis cocks his head to the side. "This is okay, yeah? You didn't want something else, like-" He shrugs.

Harry shakes her head, "This is perfect. So are you."

Louis chuckles, turning Harry’s hand over to look at her silver nail polish. It matches her black and white button up, which Louis would really call more of a blouse. She has the top three buttons undone, in typical Harry fashion. "Happy anniversary."

There's a moment of silence and the suddenly Harry is laughing softly, free hand coming up to cover her mouth. "I can't believe we're _that_ couple."

Louis laughs too, shaking his head. "Are we like, super cliche?"

"I don't know," Harry shrugs. "But if we are, I don't care."

"Me either." Louis blows Harry a kiss just to make her laugh, and she does, dimples popping out and sparkles in her eyes.

"Happy anniversary."

 

Dinner goes a lot better than Louis imagined it would, he was worried that everything would go wrong and the whole night would be a real disaster. The only bad thing that happened was halfway through their meal when the waiter came back and called Harry a gentleman and she tensed up until Louis ended up answering for her, having to use the wrong pronouns. Harry was silent for a while after that, but then eventually she started talking about her undying love of asparagus while Louis pretended to gag, and everything went back to normal.

"Its weird," Harry says eventually, poking at her leftovers. "It used to bother me a lot less when people used the wrong pronouns, until I realized that I wanted to use different pronouns." She looks up at Louis then and bites her lip, thinking. "Like, sometimes that makes me feel like its not real? Like its just some kind of quirk or something."

"Of course its not," Louis reassures her, hands coming up to hold hers on instinct. "You're you, yeah? Everything you feel is-" He struggles to come up with the right word, but Harry beats him to it.

"Real and valid," She rolls her eyes, giving Louis a wry smile. "I know. I was going to say something else," She looks down again, rubbing her thumb over the back of Louis' hand. "You- you never make me feel like that? When you use my pronouns, which isn't often obviously because you don't really have anyone to use them with, but still. I feel-" Her eyes sparkle. "Real with you. I love being around you. I love you."

This is the moment. Louis has the spare key burning a hole in his pocket and this is the moment he's been waiting for to take it out. He swallows. "Close your eyes and hold out your hand."

Harry looks confused for a moment, but complies anyway.

Louis takes a deep breath, taking the key out of his pocket and pressing it into Harry's palm. She already has a spare key, but its the gesture that matters, the meaning behind it. "I love you too, and I don't want to stop being around you."

Harry cracks an eye open, gasping when she sees the key in her hand. "Is this- does this mean what I think it does?"

"Uh," Louis laughs accidentally, feeling kind of nervous. "What do you think it means?"

Harry just levels him with a look, smile threatening to break the facade.

"Move in with me?" Louis asks, smiling back when Harry's smile finally makes an appearance.

A tear slips out and she wipes it away, laughing breathlessly. "Fuck." She says, shaking her head at herself.

"Do you-" Louis pauses, letting his insecurity show through briefly. "Do you want to?"

"Yeah," Harry laughs again, turning the key over in her hand. "Or did you miss the fact that I've practically already moved in?" She teases, and its true, they probably could have just let it gradually happen, but instead Louis had to do this big romantic gesture. He doesn't regret it though, not when Harry is looking at him like that. "Is this- this is the spare key you gave me before."

This time its Louis' turn to laugh. "Yeah, I stole it from your key-chain because I didn't want to make another copy."

Harry shakes her head again, dropping it into her hands and laughing.

Louis is laughing too, but his breath gets kind of caught in his throat when Harry looks up and smiles, opening her mouth to speak.

"I love you. Honestly I do, more and more every day."

Louis lets out a breath, wondering how Harry is able to constantly take his breath away, just by existing. "Me too. I wish I could- you're so good at articulating your feelings because you're a writer, you know how to- you word things perfectly. Wish I had more to offer in that department."

Harry shakes her head. "You don't realize how amazing you are, Lou." She gestures around the room, "I mean, _this_? This makes me feel so important to you, I feel like an actual queen... and not just a queen of good looks." She winks.

"Way to ruin a moment." Louis says, but he's smiling and of course the moment isn't ruined.

Harry takes his hand. "Yeah, I know. Way to go me." She's staring down at their linked hands, looking pensive.

"Alright?" Louis asks.

She smiles. "Just thinking about waking up to you every morning."

Louis doesn't know how to reply, can only lean over the table, taking Harry's face into his hands and kissing her, hoping that conveys everything he can't put into words.

When they pull away, Harry's cheeks are pink and she looks Louis in the eyes. "Yeah, I know."

Louis thinks maybe they were made for each other.

 

+

 

Once the boys finally get Harry's last box into Louis' flat, and Louis offers everyone beers, they decide to leave, letting Harry alone to sort through their own shit and start unpacking.

The first thing they start with, Louis notices when he looks across the room, is their record player, setting it up next to Louis' tv and taking out their records, picking one out to start playing.

Louis comes out of the kitchen with two teas in hand. "You have all this shit to sort through and yet you're bothering with your record player first." He shakes his head, giving Harry a hard time in favor of showing how cute he actually thinks it is.

There's a few notes sounding in the air between them and then  twanging sound of a voice and then the lyrics start. Louis squints his eyes, trying to make out the song. Its definitely not a new album, sounds too dated for that.

Harry starts moving their hips along with the ballad, beckoning Louis over by crooking their fingers along with the music. Louis shakes his head and Harry just nods back, smiling and dancing dorkily.

Harry starts making their way over to him, taking the teas from his hand and setting them on the coffee table.

"You know you can't fool me, I've been loving you too long." They croon, singing along with the song. They wrap their arms around Louis' waist, looking up at him with a shit eating grin.

Louis remains stoic and unmovable which makes Harry pout.

"What even is this?" Louis asks, pursing his lips to control his smile, but Harry sees right through him, grinning from ear to ear.

"Air Supply."

Louis gives them a confused look. "Who's that?"

"You know," they hum a tune that Louis doesn’t quite catch due to the fact that theres already a song playing in the background.

Harry sighs and pulls away from Louis, going back to the record player to move the needle to the song they want. They dont get it on the chorus for the first time, so they lift the needle and try again, looking up at Louis to see when recognition passes over his face.

"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you!" Harry sings loudly, trying not to laugh when Louis does.

"Alright, I got it." He says, coming up towards Harry who reaches out and traps Louis in their arms, swaying to the song.

Louis squirms around in their arms, trying to push them away. "Get off me!"

"Never," Harry says, leaning down to give him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. The next song starts though and Harry finally lets him go. "This is my favorite song on this album, reminds me of you." They wink.

Louis eyes them carefully. "Why?"

Harry cocks their hip and juts their hips out exaggeratedly. "You'll see." Then they're lip syncing to the song as Louis just laughs, watching them fondly. Finally Harry starts opening boxes, singing absentmindedly to the music, until the chorus hits and then they're belting it out.

"Because you're every woman in the world to me!"

Louis doubles over laughing, sitting back on the couch, holding his stomach. "What the fuck?"

Harry gets up again, dancing in front of Louis and leaning down to kiss him.

They're both giggling into each others mouths too much for it to actually be a real kiss, but the idea is there and Louis couldn't care less; he's happy.

"Come help me." Harry says, taking Louis' hands and helping him off the couch.

Unpacking consists of terrible lip syncing, making out and tickling and really not that much unpacking in the end. But, its okay, they've got time. Right now Louis just wants to kiss his girlfriend and let himself be happy in this moment.

 

+

 

Louis leans back into Harry as the bus goes over a bump, their hands brushing where they're holding onto the rail above them for balance.

Someone glances over at them before quickly averting their eyes.

"D'you think I should give them the finger?" Louis mumbles into Harry's neck, causing them to giggle. Louis smiles against their skin. "I love your laugh." He can imagine that he feels Harry's blush burning on their neck.

"I'm thinking about coming out." Harry blurts out.

Louis leans back so he can look at Harry straight on. He's trying not to show his surprise, but he's sure its probably shining through and even if it wasn't, Harry knows him too well to hide anything. Its not that he hasn't noticed Harry has been using he/him pronouns less and less, but he didn't expect them to want to come out, considering that's been a bit of a struggle for the both of them really, more so Harry of course, but still. Louis is so proud, despite his initial surprise, he feels his heart swell for Harry. "Are you serious?"

"Well," They let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm only thinking about it, doesn't mean I'm going to do it." They seem conflicted, eyebrows knitted together when they look down at Louis. "I really want to though."

Louis beams. "I'm so proud of you, whether you do or not, I'll still feel proud."

Harry smiles softly, bumping his hip against Louis'. "You absolute  _sap_."

"I'm not ashamed." Louis says proudly, despite the faint blush on his cheeks.

Harry leans forward to rub his nose against Louis' in an eskimo kiss, which only makes Louis blush deeper.

They finally get off at their stop, Harry reaching out to hold Louis' hand as they walk.

Louis is still not used to the fact that he's living with Harry, even though its practically the same as its always been: they leave Louis' flat together and come back to Louis' flat together, to _their_  flat together. But its different because Harry never has to leave, because their stuff is there and they don't have to grumble about having left something at theirs and Niall's. Its different because Louis gets to wake up to Harry's sleepy sighs and not feel guilty about wishing it was an always kind of thing, maybe even a forever kind of thing.

"Think I'm gonna tell my mum." Harry says softly as Louis unlocks their front door.

Once Louis closes the door he pulls Harry down for a soft, lingering kiss, wrapping his arms around their waist.

Harry hugs him back, pulling away to press their nose into Louis' shoulder, breathing him in.

"That's so lovely, babe. I think you should."

They pick up Louis hand, holding it to their chest where he can feel their heart beat. "Feel that?" They ask.

Harry's heart is beating out of control and Louis doesn't really know what to say, so he just says, "yeah" softly.

"If its already like that, I think I might have a heart attack when I do tell her."

"Hey," Louis says softly, pulling away slightly from their small embrace. He takes Harry's hand in one of his own hands and uses his free one to tilt Harry's chin up, so they can look at him while he's talking. "She's going to be so supportive, you know that."

"Doesn't make me any less nervous." They say, looking over to the left and avoiding Louis' eyes. "At least I was drinking when I told you."

"Should I break out the wine then?" Louis asks, which gets Harry to laugh a little at least.

They look down at their feet. "Fuck, I'm really doing this." They take their phone out of their pocket, Louis tracking their movements, his heart rate picking up too, nervous for Harry.

They look at their phone for a moment, before finally looking back up at Louis, their eyes looking a bit frantic. "I think I should- wanna do this on my own." They point their thumb back towards the bedroom, reluctantly moving away from Louis' space. "I'll be right back." They pause for a moment, looking contemplative, before ducking down to give Louis a peck on the mouth and then heading off towards the bedroom.

Louis stands there for a moment, wringing his hands, before he decides to occupy his mind instead of standing around worrying his head off.

 

 

It feels like forever that Louis is stood in front of the sink. The dishes are done, but he's rooted to the spot, thinking of all the things that are possibly being said over the phone in that bedroom. He knows Anne is the best mum in the world aside from his own, and she would never stop loving Harry over something like their gender, never in her lifetime, Louis is sure of it. He can't help but feel a little anxious for them though; they're putting so much on the line right now and Louis really wishes he could be there for them in this moment.

He finally tears himself away from his thoughts for long enough to grab a towel to start drying the dishes so he can put them away.

The one bowl is a bit too high to reach and usually it takes a few tries or he has to jump up and use the kitchen counter for leverage, and there was one time he had to climb up onto the counter to put it away; no one will ever find out about that. But this time there's a hand curling around his waist and a larger arm taking it from him and effortlessly setting it on the shelf.

Louis spins around, face to face with Harry, finally. They're biting their lip, eyes rimmed red and face a bit splotchy.

"So," Louis starts. "How'd it go?"

Before he's even finished with the sentence, Harry is crying, hand coming up to cover his mouth and they're nodding frantically, coming in close to cry into Louis' shoulder.

"That's good right? Its a good cry?" His heart is pounding, doesn't know what to do with a crying Harry in his arms. He just wraps his arms around them and soothes a hand down their back.

Harry's nodding against his shoulder, taking in big hiccuping breaths. "Fuck, I wasn't gonna cry again." They sob.

"Shh," Louis says softly, rubbing their back. "Its okay, cry all you want, baby."

They cry even harder at that, which is a bit of the opposite of what Louis was going for. He understands though; he cried like a baby when he came out to his mum. This is different, but still, he'd like to think he can kind of understand on some level.

Louis just keeps reassuring them with the softest voice he can muster, rubbing down their back soothingly, until eventually Harry's breath evens out and they're only crying softly.

They lift up their head, wiping at their eyes with the back of their hand. They laugh at themselves embarrassedly, sniffling and letting out another small sob. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, no." Louis reaches out to brush his fingers over Harry's arm. "You're alright, yeah?"

They nod, blinking a couple of times before wiping at their eyes again. "She told me she's never been prouder of me, even- she said she was glad to have a child like me. She didn't even say 'son'." They're beaming even though there are still tears falling down their face. "I've never- Louis-" They shake their head in disbelief. "I've never felt like this. Like, okay with who I am, and _loved_  for it. Louis- you-" They cut off, reaching out to hug Louis.

Louis lets himself sink into the hug, holding Harry tight and unable to help his smile for them. "I'm so happy, Harry. I love you so much."

Harry starts crying at that, but it's okay. They're okay.

 

+

 

Harry has been on a sort of high since they came out to their mum, they explained to Louis that it was amazing to have Louis accept them for who they are, but to have that kind of acknowledgement from their mum was like the best gift in the world. They're still nervous about coming out to the boys, but this makes it easier apparently and Louis understands that part, he really does. He can't quite identify with a lot of the things Harry goes through, but in some ways he can identify with the coming out process.

Its been a long process for him, coming to terms with Harry's gender, and the fact that there's no way for him to actually identify with that part of them. Now though, after seven months, that issue seems pretty far from their minds.

There's a bigger issue that's been weighing on Louis' mind now. It's been weighing on his mind for a while, and in hindsight maybe at lunch with Harry with only twenty minutes to spare wasn't the best time to bring it up, but Louis has never really had the best judgment.

He really doesn't want to fuck up Harry's happiness because that's so important to him, but really he's done enough of not talking about what's going on his mind and its only gotten him in trouble. So he figures its probably best to communicate like any normal couple should.

He takes a sip of his drink, clearing his throat. "Hey, Haz?"

Harry looks up from their phone, mouth full and eyes big. They make a small noise of acknowledgement, putting their phone down and reaching for a napkin.

"I noticed you volunteered to go out and pay our bills last week and," He shrugs, not making eye contact, scared to see what kind of reaction he might find there. "Niall had mentioned something about how when you both lived together you would do that and then he'd be finding extra £10s in his pockets. He said you must have been putting them there or paying more than your half, not that he was complaining or anything, but-" He looks up at Harry finally. "That's not happening here, is it?"

They're biting their lip, looking down at their food and pushing it around the plate with their fork like suddenly they're not hungry anymore. They don't respond, as if they're actually too busy with their food to.

"Harry?" Louis inquires again. "Is it? Because I found a total of like 50 quid in my pockets and literally another 100 today in my account and like, that's-" He cuts off, not sure what else to add to that. The point is already glaringly obvious, he doesn't need to rub salt in the wound.

"It was- it felt wrong to keep it." They're still not looking up.

Louis hasn't seen Harry like this in a really long time and though his heart clenches at their small voice, he's still mad and in the end that's the feeling that wins out. "Well it feels wrong to me that you're paying over half my rent."

" _Our_ rent." Harry corrects.

" _My_  half." Louis counters. "Look, I get it, yeah? You like to help out the people you love because you can and like, Niall never had a problem with it obviously, but thats not gonna work with us."

Harry finally looks up, looking a little sad but also a little fiery, like they're getting ready for a fight they never asked for. That wasn't Louis intention, but isn't that how these things always go? "Why not?" They ask, words sharp.

They're in public, so Louis thinks about maybe trying to diffuse the situation before it even starts, but he has things to say and he's going to say them while he still has a chance. "Because, Harry, we made an agreement. And its not like I can't afford it. I'm done taking hand-outs from people; I've done it my whole life and I don't need it from you."

Harry looks out the window. "You're too proud." They state softly. "Same thing happened when you were in uni. You didn't want anyone's help and you had to drop out because of it."

"I chose to drop out." Louis says, his words laced with an edge that he can't quite place.

"You keep telling yourself that, but the truth is that you couldn't support yourself. Because you didn't want any 'hand-outs'." They use air quotes, just adding to the way they're saying it, drenched in sarcasm.

"This is different." Louis tells them. "I've been able to afford that flat for the better half of two years."

"So why’d you ask me to move in then?" They asks pointedly and Louis' jaw honest to god just drops.

"I-" He cuts off, not even sure where to begin. "Are you fucking serious?"

Harry shrugs, backing down a little then.

Louis tries to keep his voice down, because they're doing this in public for christ's sake, but there's still a biting edge to it when he answers, "I asked you to move in because I'm in love with you, because I want to share my life with you, including the space we live in."

Harry is silent for a moment, but when they finally speak their voice is hesitant, small. "What about the future, when we have a joint bank account or something? Is that gonna be too much of a 'hand-out' for you?"

Louis doesn't know how they can just sit there and talk about the future and fucking _joint bank accounts_ like its nothing, like its not something Louis thinks about too, like they can just use it for argument fuel, throwing it in Louis' face.

"You know, sometimes you talk out of your fucking arse, mate."

Harry's nostrils flare and they grip the side of the table. "That's where this is headed though, right?" They're looking at Louis with hardened features and god, if they ever talked about their future together Louis didn't want it to be like this, like some sort of weapon.

"Harry," Louis says softly, both of their insecurities slipping through. He's ready to give it up, reassure them instead of letting out another harsh comment. Fuck, he shouldn't have said anything to begin with; he didn't want this. "I'm-"

"Fuck," Harry cuts him off, checking their watch. "I've got to go, I'm sorry."

Louis falls silent at that, feeling stupid for thinking that they had possibly started to come to some sort of resolve.

Harry leans down to give Louis a quick peck and a practiced, habitual "love you, I'll see you at home" and then they're gone.

When the waiter comes by with the check and takes away their leftovers, Louis just lets out a bitter laugh.

They don't talk about it again after that.

 

+

 

Its three weeks later when they're in bed that Louis drops the news. And really its almost Harry's fault because it was the week following their argument at lunch, and when Louis was complaining for the fifth time that week about work she made passing comment about finding a new job if it bothered him that much.

So Louis sort of let it slip to Liam that he was maybe looking for something new and a week after that Eleanor was coming up to him and saying she heard through the grapevine that Greg might know someone with something right up his alley and that she would ask around. One thing led to another and Louis was being offered a job at a radio station in Glasgow and he's calling this random guy to tell him he'll think about it. It all happens in the span of two weeks and he's not even sure he can quite wrap his head around it because it feels so crazy.

It takes him a week to tell Harry because its all the way in fucking Glasgow which he's pretty sure is like 6 hours away and he's actually thinking about taking the job is the thing. And he doesn't know what that means, because Harry is laying on his chest and reading a book with her hair pulled back into a bun and Louis loves her so fucking much, doesn't want to spend a minute without her, but he still wants to call up his new boss and tell him he wants the job, he wants it so bad. He's been working so fucking hard his whole life and he really deserves a good job for once in his life, and this might be his chance.

And like, he knows Harry can't come with him; this is her last year of university. But they're _Harry and Louis_ , so why couldn't they work something out?

"I have some news that could possibly be bad news." Louis says into the silence of their bedroom.

Harry sits up, pushing Louis' glasses higher up his nose for him like she always does, fixing little pieces of him. "Hm," She contemplates. "Well, hit me with it, I guess."

Louis clears his throat. "It's kind of good and bad."

She cocks her head to the side. "Well, don't keep me in suspense, love. I'll be forced to tickle you." She puts a hand on Louis' side teasingly to show her threat isn't empty.

Louis laughs, escaping her grip and planting a quick kiss on her nose.

She smiles.

"Okay, so. I'm considering a new job." He figures its better to come out with the good first.

"So what's the bad part about that? Oh, the pay is shit, isn't it?"

Louis shakes his head, pinching Harry's side. "No, be a little patient would ya?"

She puts her hands up in surrender, flinching when Louis pinches her again. "Okay, okay."

"Okay." Louis is silent for a moment of apprehension. He had no idea how he's meant to tell Harry this. He steels himself, lets out a breath and forces himself to make eye contact with her. If he can just rip this off like a band-aid then he'll be fine. "It's in Glasgow."

"As in the city Glasgow?"

Louis nods.

"You're not gonna take it are you?" She has this panicked look in her eye and for a moment Louis thinks about passing it off as a joke, like an 'of course not silly' moment, but god, if he had to make one tough decision in his life then this is it.

He swallows. "Well, yeah. I was thinking about it."

"Oh." Harry's face falls and _fuck_ , Louis can't actually be thinking about doing this, can he?

"Its only six hours and that's by train." Louis justifies. "Which isn't far, yeah. Could make a weekend of it or something when you come up."

Harry is looking down, biting her lip like she's thinking really hard about it.

Louis panics a little when she doesn't reply immediately.  "I mean, Haz, it's a great opportunity, something I've always wanted to do. If I get in with the right people I could even be working somewhere like BBC radio here in London doing something more substantial than like, getting coffee. Like, that's fucking mad right?" Its almost like he's trying to convince her as much as he's trying to convince himself.

"There must be places in London to get a job though, right?" Her voice has never been so soft.

Louis pauses. That is true and a valid point, but who knows if he'd ever be hired; this job is literally being offered to him. "But this is an opportunity right now."

She sighs shakily. "I don't- wow. I don't know what to say, Lou."

"You don't have to say anything." Louis says softly, reaching out to cup her jaw, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. "We don't have to talk about anything right now, if you don't want to." He leans forward to kiss her, but she ducks away, pushing him off.

"I can't- I can't do this."

Louis tries not to let the hurt show on his face, but he doesn't really know what to do with that kind of reaction. "What do you mean?"

She shakes her head, taking in a shaky breath. "I don't know. I wish this wasn't- you can't just tell me that you're taking a job you have to move really far for and then pretend like we don't have to talk about it."

"I just thought-"

She cuts him off. "I can't just pretend you didn't say anything, this is our relationship we're talking about."

This conversation is turning out to be more serious than he had imagined it would. "Long distance relationships are possible." 

"When do you leave?" Honestly she sounds a little frantic and that's making Louis feel frantic.

This is the part Louis has been dreading, the part he can't postpone or pretend isn't happening. This is the reality. "Two weeks, and I have until tomorrow evening to decide for sure. I have to call then with my answer. I've already found some available apartments."

"Fuck." She breathes.

"Work isn't like- working at the bakery for you is a hobby, yeah? But this is my career; that's really important to me, love." He's trying to speak softly. The last thing he wants is for _this_  to be an argument too.

"It's more important than me?"

Louis closes his eyes, unsure how to answer that without saying the wrong thing. Harry is an expert on loaded questions. "Harry please don't do this." There's a heavy silence between them for few seconds that might as well be years because that's what it feels like. "I'm not giving you up for a career."

She's silent for another small moment before she clears her throat, sniffling. "What if you had to?"

"Harry-"

"No, I'm serious," She says and _fuck_ , she looks like it too. "How long are you supposed to be there, for this job?"

Louis pauses. "I don't know." He says lowly.

"No time frame at all?" Her eyes look hopeful for a moment and that's in itself is enough to make this conversation nearly impossible.

"I-" He doesn't want to say anything wrong, but he can't sugarcoat the truth. "8 months, a year?"

"A year?" Harry asks, clearly surprised. "So I'm supposed to sit here and wait for you? Am I supposed to do my schoolwork on the train to and from your flat?"

Its a rhetorical question, but Louis can't keep his mouth shut. "I can drive here instead."

"A year?" It's like Louis only has to blink and suddenly there are tears streaming down her face. "Louis- I can't." She covers her face with her hands and Louis can't do anything because he caused that and _god_ , it hurts worse than anything.

Eventually she looks up at Louis again, taking in big hiccuping breaths. "I get it, yeah? But, _fuck_." She closes her eyes briefly, just letting herself cry right there in front of Louis. "Its not fair, you can't force me to love you long distance."

"I know." This time when Louis reaches out, he holds her arm with a feathery light touch, like shes breakable and maybe she is. "I'm sorry."

"I wish that was enough to make it okay." She says sadly.

"I'm sorry," Louis repeats like that might make a difference; he doesn't know what else to say.

Harry just shakes her head and Louis wishes, somewhere in the back of his mind that she would lie to him and tell him that it actually is okay, but she would never do that and Louis wouldn't believe it for a moment anyway.

He lets her cry and stares at their blankets willing himself not to cry. This feels wrong, all of it.

It feels like coming up for air when Harry finally speaks. "I can't Louis, I can't." She says again.

The worst part is Louis thinks he knows what she means. He doesn't want this and he wishes he could run away, or just stay here in this bed with Harry forever, but this is his choice and it seems like it might be Harry's too. It takes him a few beats too long to speak. "Do you think we should-" He doesn't know if he can actually say it out loud.

Harry's nodding though, taking in shaky breaths and it feels like finality. "I think we should."

Louis lets a tear slip out, wiping it hurriedly with the back of his hand. "For the best, yeah?" But his voice breaks slightly on the last word.

"For the best." Harry agrees, reaching out to take Louis' hands.

Louis stares at their linked hands, feeling too many feelings to put a name to any single one. "Maybe we weren't ready to love each other."

Harry smiles sadly, squeezing Louis' hands. "Maybe you're right."

They eventually fall asleep together, Harry lets Louis be her big spoon and when Louis wakes up in the morning she's gone.

 

+

 

Harry and Louis are very good at pretending, which is what got them here in the first place, so they agree to pretend like nothing is wrong until Louis leaves. Its easier for them to end things when they feel less like there's a magnetic pull keeping them together.

For their friends too, especially Niall since he's a child of divorce and has practically invested all of his own feelings into Harry and Louis' relationship.

Harry decides she'll keep Louis' apartment because its better than having to go back to a flatmate. Louis tells her she doesn't have to if she wants to move back with Niall, but she's adamant. "I'll hold down the fort until you get back." She says and Louis doesn't know why, so they don't talk about that either ever again.

Louis feels sure he’s going to come back eventually, London is like a second home to him, but he's just not sure when. It almost feels like a never kind of thing, especially after he tells the boys and they decide that's its absolutely imperative to have a going away party.

Harry offers up their flat, or more just her flat now, and that just makes the part ten times worse really, if not actually depressing as fuck.

He's sitting on _their_  couch, beer in hand and he can't stop thinking about how they cuddled here, fucked here, kissed here, called Harry's mom to tell her they were together here. He's not thinking about how he has to drive 7 hours tomorrow, with a couple boxes and suitcases in the back, his uhaul, and possibly a hangover. All he's thinking about is this fucking couch and how him and Harry were sat here three days ago trying to get some packing done amd Harry started crying, seems like that's all she ever does now, with a mumbled excuse of having to go to Niall's and then she left.

Louis is brought back to reality when someone plops down on the couch next to him. Its Liam and he's clearly three sheets to the wind drunk, but he's giddy like always, shoving a hand in Louis' face and beaming.

"Zayn proposed." He says proudly.

"What the fuck," Louis grabs his hand to look at the thick silver band there, with some sort of design he's too lazy to try and make out with his brain feeling kind of fuzzy. It's relatively simple, definitely something Zayn would definitely pick out.

"He made it."

Or something Zayn would definitely make. Louis is impressed. "When did he pop the question?"

"This morning over breakfast. He said he couldn't wait anymore and got down on one knee while I ate my fucking wheetabix." He looks down at the ring fondly, twisting it around his finger.

Louis' heart swells. "Shit. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"We didn't know if it would be a good idea," He all but yells. He can never quite regulate his volume when he's drunk. "You know, with the move and all, but I just couldn't wait any longer."

"Good." Louis says, tackling Liam to the couch in a hug.

"Replaced me already?" Harry's voice comes from above them and when Louis looks up her eyes are wide, like she can't believe she said that. No one noticed since Liam is the only one around them and it sounds like something she'd say anyway. But then it strikes Louis that maybe her eyes are wide because she doesn't know if it's okay to joke like that still, or yet maybe, Louis isn't sure. Things are so _different_  now, and not just the fact that he wants to cry or crawl out of his skin every time he sees her, but that he's not sure if that's a mutual thing. Like, the breakup itself was mutual in a way, but now he doesn't know, he doesn't know if its something either of them want. They're in this weird limbo right now and Louis just wants it to end because whatever this is hurts worse than just ending it.

So there's a moment where they're just staring at each other in something akin to shock and at this point Louis isn't really sure what for. He wishes he could take it all back though and have Harry in his arms right now instead of Liam.

Eventually Niall comes around, slinging an arm over Harry's shoulders and breaking them out of their little bubble.

"D'ya hear Liam and Zayn are engaged?" He asks.

Louis prays to god that Niall will be too occupied with wedding plans to even think about him and Harry, but he knows that's unlikely.

Liam is quick to spring up and display his hand to Harry, who gasps and covers her mouth in surprise. Her hand comes out gingerly to hold Liam's and examine the ring. Louis notices a leftover splotch of nail polish on her right thumb and his heart genuinely starts to ache.

Its not until the two of them are alone in the kitchen that Louis points it out.

"You have a little leftover nail polish on your thumb." He says gently, uselessly pointing towards her hands like she doesn't know where her thumb is.

She lifts up her left hand, examining it. "Where?"

"No its the other-" Louis cuts off, setting down his beer and coming in close to pick up Harry's right hand and hold it in front of her face. "There."

"Okay." Harry says, not even bothering to look at it, just closing her hand over Louis'.

"Okay." Louis echoes, letting Harry pull him closer until their chests are pressed flush against each other.

"Okay?" Harry asks, a hand curling around Louis' neck.

Louis doesn't answer, just leans up to press a burning kiss against Harry's lips, which turns into two kisses and then three, until they're making out against the linoleum counter.

When Harry finally pulls back, which is when both of them feel like they're actually suffocating, her pupils are blown wide and she pulls Louis in closer by the belt loops, jerking her head towards the bedroom.

Louis nods, letting her lead him by the hand like he doesn't know how to get to his own fucking bedroom. But its not his anymore, and neither is Harry.

They don't talk and Louis is pretty sure neither of them stop to think either.

So when they both wake up to Louis' alarm playing fucking marimba at arse o'clock in the morning, naked and tangled up in the sheets together, it becomes yet another thing that they don't talk about. They don't talk about it when Louis kicks the boys awake where they've fallen asleep on the couch and Niall on the floor. They don't talk about it when they're all hung over and loading the rest of the  boxes into Louis' car. And they certainly don't talk about it when they're face to face in the kitchen ready to say goodbye.

"I'll see you around, yeah?"

Harry smiles sadly, running a hand over the counter. "Sure."

"Hug?" Louis wheedles, opening his arms.

Harry rolls her eyes, stepping forward to hug him.

When they pull away, Harry turns her head to catch Louis' lips in short, dry kiss.

Louis just looks at her with a surprised look, feeling quite silly.

"For good luck." She says awkwardly, giving him a thumbs up.

Louis smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

So they don't talk about it, and Louis thinks they probably never will.

 

+

 

"You broke up?" Is the first thing Liam says when Louis answers the phone.

"Yes, I'm settled in just fine. Yes, I had a nice trip." Louis responds sarcastically.

"When were you going to tell us?" He practically bellows into the phone.

Before Louis gets a chance to reply, there's some shuffling and then Zayn's voice in the background. "Let me talk to him, love."

"But-"

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry, babe." More shuffling and then finally Zayn's voice. "Hey, man."

"Hi."

"Y'alright?" He asks and Louis almost starts crying right then because its been two days and he is definitely not okay, he's barely unpacked a single box. He loves Zayn for caring about him.

"No." He replies honestly.

"S'it Harry, or?"

"Its everything, I don't know." He rubs a hand down his face. "These last few weeks have been so weird. I think once I start working things will start to feel okay again."

"Ask him when he was planning on telling us!" Louis can hear Liam yell in the background.

Zayn chuckles fondly, pausing for a moment. "We had to find out through Niall, you know. Who, by the way, is a total mess, more so than Harry I reckon."

"How is he?" Louis blurts out.

"Harry?" Louis mumbles out a small noise of confirmation and Zayn just sighs. "How do I answer that question without ruining your day?"

"You can't."

"Ah," Zayn replies, clicking his tongue. "Then I won't. Listen, babe," He continues before Louis can protest. "Unpack some boxes, clear your head. It's gonna be alright, yeah?"

Louis manages somehow not to cry while they're on the phone. They talk for ages, until Louis finally feels a little bit of his sadness wash away. He can hear Liam in the background urging Zayn to hurry up towards the end of the call and Louis figures that's his cue to go probably.

"I'll let you go," Louis says, still a little reluctant to hang up.

"Just one thing," Zayn says. "Remember you can always just text Harry, yeah? There's no rule that says you can't."

"I don't know, Zayn-"

He sighs. "You two are best friends, aren't you? S'gonna be fine, you two always work things out."

Louis doesn't know how to reply to that, but on some level he knows Zayn is right. "Okay." He settles for, just letting that sink in.

"Call me tomorrow, I really gotta go. I love you."

"Love you too." Louis says, sniffling softly. He spares a thought to the time Harry told him about Zayn and Liam's scheduled sex life and as soon as he starts laughing he ends up sitting on the floor crying instead, like his body is betraying him.

Eventually though, he ends up following Zayn's advice and unpacking. And it takes all of about an hour for Louis to text Harry. He's unpacking some boxes in the bedroom when he finds the Harry moose stuffed into one of the boxes, staring innocently up at him. He sure as shit didn't pack himself and he knows that for a fact because he stared at both of them for all of ten minutes while he was packing, debating whether or not Harry would kill him if he took both or separated them, but in the end he decided to pack neither. He figures Harry must have made the decision for him then.

 

**louis: how's the Louis moose**

 

Its five minutes later, after Louis gave up staring at his screen and went back to unpacking, that Harry texts him back.

 

**harry: quite content. a little cold. hows the harry moose**

 

**louis: a little smushed, but okay. Getting used to their new surroundings**

 

It feels like they're talking about more than just stuffed animals.

 

**harry: hows the new place?**

 

Louis is not sure how to feel about such a friendly exchange honestly, but maybe Zayn is right, maybe they can try to be friends again. Not that they ever really were _best friends_ , not traditionally, but Louis is willing to give a try and it seems Harry is too, or at least Louis hopes they are.

 

**louis: its small. not sure how i got any of my stuff through the front door honestly**

 

**harry: or your bum**

 

Louis sucks in a breath, not sure how to respond to that. It's easier through text though, he has a chance to think about what he'll say before he says it, has the filter of a screen so Harry doesn't have to see his reaction.

 

**louis: cheeky**

 

**harry: hope you get settled in okay, im off to bed x**

 

Louis checks the clock and its just gone 10, so he thinks maybe he ought to be getting some sleep too. Hes a bit nervous about his first day and it doesn't really help that Harry added an x to the end of his last text because now that's all he can think about.

He grabs a towel, walking to the bathroom and willing his stupid butterflies to just go the fuck away.

 

+

 

Louis keeps having to remind himself its over, keeps practically having to pinch himself to remember it isn't some kind of horrible nightmare, but that him and Harry are actually officially done.

Eight fucking months together and they both could barely even say the word "breakup" when the time came, after all that waiting to just kiss each other at the very least.

He misses it so fucking much, is the thing, especially because he got to live with Harry, got to experience every single day with them, their soft kisses and whispers too early to reasonably open their eyes. Sometimes he'd wake up to a sticky note pressed to his forehead with Harry's pronouns for that day and the smell of breakfast in their flat, waiting for him and Harry in their apron or sometimes their ridiculous floral robe.

Louis wonders how the two of them thought this half arsed attempt at friendship would actually work out, especially when Louis can't even keep his heart from bloody pounding every time Harry texts him.

He feels like they're just on the cusp of something, like eventually he's just going to break and end up telling Harry he thinks about them every fucking waking second and that this is possibly the worst decision hes ever made in his adult life.

It doesn't happen though, not even when Harry sends him a snapchat of his giant bear, creatively named teddy, with a little blue tear drawn on the picture. He damn near throws his phone though.

Harry is so infuriating, they play so aloof and unaffected through text, still posting "all the love" tweets, when literally everyone knows that they're actually really sad, probably cries themselves to sleep at night. Louis doesn't want to think about it.

Even so, he's just happy Harry is still texting him, even though it hurts every single fucking time his phone goes off.

He busies himself with work when the time comes, throwing himself into it and barely coming up for air. Zayn says its not healthy, but its the only way to get himself to stop thinking about Harry for at least half a minute.

And the first time Harry calls him its already been at least a month or two of just texting and its strange because his phone is clattering against the kitchen counter for a couple of seconds before it stops.

His phone lights up with a text, and another when he doesn't read the first one immediately.

 

 **harry: sorry fuck**  
  
**harry: I didnt mean to call you**

 

Louis stares at his screen until it goes dark again. He unlocks it to text Harry back.

 

**louis: next time dont hang up**

 

+

 

Louis feels almost guilty for enjoying his job when it came at such a huge sacrifice, not just with him and Harry, but also with his friends too. He knows that's not a fair thought though, not to himself, not to anyone.

So he tries to let himself enjoy the job, even if he sometimes misses having Liam there at work with him, not that he'd ever admit it

And things are okay, all things considered, but he thinks they could be better. Glasgow feels extra rainy and cold and he invested in a new coat that he wears around his flat because his heating is lousy, and because it's the only thing that doesn't smell like Harry.

The cold makes him not want to get up in the morning, more so than usual, and its such a huge contrast from living with Harry; waking up next to them made the mornings bearable, if not actually good.

Harry loved him the way Louis used to always dream of being loved by them, unapologetically even on the bad days too, at his worst, and in the morning with his hair sticking up at awkward angles and his unpleasant demeanor.

The whole situation obviously hurts, but mostly it hurts because every time Harry texts him all he can see is their hands curling over his and their lips whispering words like "forever" and "always" in the dim light of their shared bedroom.

The worst part is not that he's still thinking about it, the worst part is that he doesn't know how to turn it off and _nothing_  works anymore, not even working till his eyes are blurry from lack of sleep. Nothing.

He thought that maybe he could do that, that maybe he could be just friends with Harry, but not even Louis can pretend that much.

So the next time Harry texts him _I miss you_ , Louis just shoves his phone under his pillow and tries to get a little sleep.

 

+

  
It all comes to a head a couple of months later. Its starting to get harder and harder to keep track of the time; it feels like forever but only a couple of days at the same time. The only thing keeping him grounded is the little star further into his calendar, marking the date of Zayn and Liam's wedding.

Harry's been calling him sometimes, keeping him updated on their life and telling him about everything else going on with all of the people that Louis misses so much he feels like his heart might burst. Zayn keeps him updated too, but Louis would be lying if he said he wasn't partial to Harry's updates.

////

Harry never calls or texts after 10pm, never stays on the phone longer than that, always breaking off the conversation with the excuse of having school in the morning. Which is why it's so weird when Louis' phone lights up at a quarter past midnight with that picture of Harry in their cat ears that Louis never bothered to change. Louis wants to fling his phone across the room, but instead he picks it up on the second ring.

"Shit," Harry breathes down the line and then there's some shuffling.

"Haz?" The nickname falls from his lips before he can catch himself and Louis really does feel inclined to throw his phone across the room then.

"Oh shit, sorry." There's a small whimper and Harry whispering 'shit' again. "I didnt mean to- ah- call."

It's only been three days, but Louis already started to miss their voice so much. "You okay though?" He asks, stomach burning in knots.

"Mmm." Harry replies. "I should-" They take in another shaky breath. "I should hang up."

"Why?" Louis asks, apparently unable to bite his tongue. He thinks he's caught on to what's happening right now, but he wants Harry to say it for themselves.

"Ah- Louis, you don't want to know."

"What if I do?" Louis counters, his heart rate picking up to dangerous levels.

Harry does finally moan then, cutting off and sounding panicked when they speak. "I could just hang up."

"But you won't." And it's a loaded statement, but Louis doesn't care as long as it keeps Harry from hanging up, no matter how reckless this is.

There's a really long pause, one that almost makes Louis rethink the whole situation, but then he hears Harry whimpering again, and the small intake of breath before they start to speak.

"Won't." Harry confirms, taking in another harsh breath.

"Good." Louis says, his voice catching slightly when he wraps a hand around himself.

Harry is moaning softly, letting little whimpers filter through the phone. Louis can imagine the way their lips move, knows exactly what they must look like right now.

"Miss-" Harry breaks off. "Miss you."

And Louis _can't_ , not right now, so he directs the conversation somewhere else, somewhere he can handle. "Tell me what you're doing."

They let out a loud moan at that. "Louis-"

"Tell me." He repeats almost desperately, can't hear Harry saying his name over the phone like _that_.

"Got- got three fingers in-" They cut off again with another moan. "Feels good, Lou."

"Baby," Louis lets slip out and Harry whimpers again at that. Louis bites his lip, closing his eyes and fucking up into his fist. "You sound good."

Harry's labored breaths are the only thing that can be heard between them until they finally breathe out, "You too."

"Touch your cock, yeah?" Louis suggests, hoping that maybe Harry will be so overwhelmed they won't hear if Louis slips up and calls them baby again, or worse, says 'I love you'.

"Yeah," Harry replies enthusiastically, moaning again and Louis can't help but picture them arching their back, frantically trying to put Louis on speakerphone so they can occupy both of their hands.

Louis knows the exact moment Harry touches their cock because of the loud, drawn out moan they let out.

"That's it." He says softly. Its been so long since he got off himself. He usually can't bring himself to, always too tired and not ready to picture nothing but green eyes and curly hair. But now it feels like his senses are overwhelmed with thoughts of Harry, their smell, their voice. God, Louis doesnt think he'll last very long like this.

"Fuck, Louis." Harry moans. "M'close."

Louis' hand flies over his cock, feeling like he can't breathe. "Yeah, me too."

"Gonna." Harry warns, their noises becoming louder and more strained, like it's teetering on the edge of too much, and Louis gets it; this feels like everything.

He throws his head back, nearly dropping his phone. "Yeah, wanna hear you."

Harry moans loudest then, all but yelling Louis' name, whimpering out shaky breaths as they come down. "Louis please." They breathe out, and thats it.

Louis bites his lip when he comes so the only thing that can come out of his mouth are noises, not words because he doesn't trust himself, not even for a second.

There's a long silence afterwards, just the sound if them breathing heavily for a while. It feels like forever almost, suspended in this pocket of silence

Louis has no idea what to say and apparently neither does Harry.

"That was..." Harry trails off and it feels almost jarring to hear their voice after all the silence.

"Yeah." Louis says.

"Yeah." They echo. "Fuck, I've got school in the morning, I should- fuck."

Louis isn't sure, but he thinks he can faintly make out the sound of Harry crying. He still doesn't know what to say though, so he doesn't say anything.

"Goodnight, Lou." They say quickly in a small voice.

Louis lets out a breath. "Goodnight, H."

 

+

////

 

Harry doesn't call or text for a week after that and Louis doesn't fucking dare to initiate contact with them either. Its all he can think about after that though, and everyone keeps mentioning that he seems off, like he doesn't already fucking know.

Which is why when Harry calls him again, Louis almost doesn't pick up because he's not sure he can handle a remake of the other night. Its Harry though, so his heart eventually wins out and he ends up answering the phone.

"Hey," They sound normal at least and it's not too late this time, just after 10pm, so Louis lets himself relax.

"Hey," He sits down on his mattress since he still doesn't really have too much furniture yet. Still.

"You know, I finally started watching Breaking Bad and I don't get it."

Louis lets out a laugh along with a breath he'd been holding, and his heart skips a beat. He misses Harry. Fuck. "What's not to get?"

"I mean the hype." They clarify.

Louis is trying not to picture them, but its hard when all his brain wants to do is conjure up images of Harry snuggled up on the couch waiting for their nails to dry and watching netflix. "I'm offended; that's my favorite show."

"See, I don't get it. You and Zayn are suckers for this series, but me and Niall could always get down to some Desperate Housewives."

"I can't believe you used to force me to watch that."

They laugh. "Count your blessings, when you start dating again you may get asked to watch something even worse."

Louis almost swallows his tongue with the realization that Harry expects him to _see other people_. Has Harry already started to? "Why'd you say that?"

They're silent for a moment. "I don't know."

"Are you seeing someone?" Louis blurts out, unable to stop it.

The answer is almost immediate. "No, are you?"

"No." Louis doesn’t hesitate either.

"Good." Harry says and they sound relieved. There's another pause, which feels longer than the five months they've been apart, and then: "I'm still in love with you."

Louis closes his eyes, tears burning the insides of his eyelids and threatening to slip out. "I'm still in love with you too."

Harry sniffles. "This isn't healthy, is it?"

"I don't know." Louis replies and he's two sentences away from crying,  trying to figure out a way to end this fucking conversation right now.

"Its not." Harry clears their throat, sighing like they're crying already. "It's just not."

Louis wants them back so much it physically hurts, but he really doesn't feel like he has all that much to offer anymore anyway. Harry thinks they want to see other people, and Louis knows that he doesn't want to see anyone that isn't Harry. They're right, it isn't healthy. "I know."

Harry sniffles. "I should go, I think."

"Okay," Louis simultaneously wants them to and doesn't want them to, but he doesn't know what to say either way. 

"Okay."

When Harry hangs up it feels like breaking up all over again.

 

+

 

The weeks turn into months and Louis is keeping busy either with work, trying to finish up projects for work or traveling to London to help Zayn with the wedding and actively avoiding Harry.

It works somehow, he gets a good routine going and almost gets to a point where he can stop thinking about Harry for a least a couple of hours.

It may be over seven months since they broke up, but it still hurts like it was yesterday and Louis can't decide if it's worse now that they're not talking at all or if it was worse before when they had fairly constant communication. He tries not to think about it too much, but in the weeks leading up to the wedding he sort of can't help it. He's going to see Harry for the first time in person since the breakup, for the first time in almost eight months.

It's _all_  he can think about honestly, because he's in the car on the way back to London and everything on the radio is shit, so really he has nothing else to do. The last time he saw Harry they fucked and it was awkward as shit. The last time they talked it was practically the same thing and Louis is kind of praying that he'll drive into a sink hole and no one will ever be able to find him again.

But at the same time, despite the the sinking feeling of dread in his stomach, he's somewhat excited because he misses them so much and he wonders what's changed since they stopped talking. Harry's out of school, they're 22, and they probably look different. They will always have those same green eyes though, the ones Louis finds himself thinking about 24 hours a day, and he's not sure if he's ready to see them, if they'll still be the same green he remembers. He still has pictures of Harry on his phone that he never got around to deleting, somewhere in the back of his mind hoping that they could start over once he got back, or at the very least pick up where they left off. He knows its silly, but he still holds onto that sliver of hope.

Louis stays at Niall's place like some sort of role reversal between him and Harry and its weird because he should be coming home to them instead, but he's not. He's sleeping in Harry's old room amidst piles of wedding party favors with little groom and groom figurines on top.

They don't talk about Harry at all, in fact Louis hasn't talked about Harry with his friends at all since him and Harry stopped talking. Instead they drink tea and talk about basically everything else and its nice, Louis feels like he can truly relax for once.

 

+

 

The first time Louis sees Harry in the flesh they're arguing with Niall about whether Liam and Zayn should be called Ziam or Layn.

It's the morning of the rehearsal dinner and Harry has white streamers in their hand and they're gesturing way too animatedly for 9AM.

Niall and them both look over at Louis at the same time, where he's lingering in the doorway with a box full of decorations in his arms. Niall mutters "oh shit" before not-so-subtly leaving Harry and Louis alone in the room together.

There's a long silence until Louis decides to just break it, shatter it with his bare hands if he has to.

"Hi." Louis says, setting the box on a nearby table.

"Hi." Harry responds, absentmindedly pulling apart the streamer in their hands.  
  
Its just impossible to know what to say now, not after everything they've been through together, and Louis feels a laugh bubbling out of his chest before he can stop it, closing a hand over his mouth at the outburst.

Harry laughs too, but they seem a little nervous still despite genuinely smiling and laughing along with Louis. This does seem like the most ridiculous thing to happen to either of them in a while and Harry's face gives away that they definitely agree with that sentiment.

But despite the initial slight awkwardness, Harry continues to act as if everything is the same as always. "Do you want to help me with these chairs?"

"Yeah." Louis responds, smiling. He had no idea this was going to be the outcome of seeing Harry again, but he's not really complaining. They're not arguing, they're not making out, and they're smiling at each other; weirder things have happened.

"Happy belated birthday, by the way." Harry says from across the room.

Louis groans, "Don't remind me. lt's bad enough Lottie has been texting me weekly to remind me l'll be 30 in six years."

"Yikes, she is ruthless."

"Tell me about it." Louis has no idea how the two of them can just go from not talking to this, whatever this is. It sort of makes his head spin. "Happy belated birthday to you too."

Harry smiles. "Thanks."

There's a long moment of silence, just the sound of them placing the chairs around the room and Louis really does expect it to be super weird and awkward because he's sure neither of them have any idea what to say, but its not. It's comfortable, which he's thinking maybe he should have anticipated instead of wasting all of that time worrying; him and Harry have always just clicked.

It's not too long before Niall is back, barging in with a relieved sigh. "Oh good, no one is decapitated."

Louis shoots Harry a faux-annoyed look which has them giggling into their fist.

"Zayn sent me here because this one has tendency to get a little heated." He points at Harry. "Zayn was like 'I know they're a gentle giant, but go check on the two of them so we can avoid a pre-wedding disaster."

It doesn't quite dawn on Louis until a few seconds later that Niall was referring to Harry "they" and he misses Harry's reply to Niall entirely.

"Well it was my bet you'd be fucking on the table by now," Niall is saying and Louis is still trying to wrap his head around his realization to even react to that.

Harry's eyes go wide though while Niall busies himself by picking trash up off the floor. "Sorry," He says. "I have no filter when l'm stressed." He turns to the both of them, pointing at Louis. "Don't be getting any ideas. You lay a finger on them and you're dead."

Louis scoffs, ready to protest, but Niall just points harder. "Dead!"

Harry is giggling, looking over at Louis when Niall shuts the door.

Louis wonders if Niall was using some sort of reverse psychology, but quickly abandons that thought to address a more pressing matter. "So," Louis starts, not sure he can wait any longer to mention it. There's a beat of silence. "You're out."

"Oh." Harry flushes briefly. "Yeah, l am"

Louis can't help but beam at them. "That's incredible, Harry. I'm so happy for you."

Harry smiles back, shrugging. "It's weird because I'm still not totally used to it yet, but it's so great. The boys were- you were right, they were really supportive."

Louis doesn't think his smile could get any wider. "See, I told you so."

"l basically just said that, what more do you want from me?" He teases, tossing a piece of green streamer at Louis, but it doesn't quite make it to him.

He laughs, picking it up and crumpling it in his hand. "I'm happy for you, yeah?"

''It's really because of you, like I know you think you were such a dick back then, but you still- you made me feel really okay with being me." They're looking at Louis now straight on and Louis doesn't know if he's making it up, but he feels this invisible tension between them, his stomach filling up with butterflies.

"Oh shut up."

"No, l'm serious. l'm just trying to say thanks."

It feels like more than that, but Louis smiles anyway, shaking his head. "No need to thank me, love."

 

Its not as awkward as Louis imagined it would be, but it still feels odd because things are going so well it almost doesn't seem fair. He feels like things should have been crashing and burning by now, but instead it's weirdly calm. They're sitting at a table wrapping up the cutlery in cloth napkins, bumping their feet against each other every once in a while. Harry is playing music from their phone and singing along softy.

Louis suspects that Niall either has a bet going or he's easily just distracted because he keeps hovering over him and Harry. Earlier in the day he was standing beside them checking off things on his obnoxious clipboard, clearly eavesdropping and now Louis notices Niall watching them from across the room. Louis almost suggests that they prank him, but not only do they still have heaps of work still left to do before tomorrow, he's not sure if him and Harry are back to dream team pranking status yet.

"So,"Louis starts, kicking softly at Harry's shin. "How's the flat?"

Harry blushes. "Well, it was really weird living alone at first." They rub at their nose, clearing their throat and Louis is just waiting for them to elaborate. "So, I got a cat."

Louis gasps. "I didn't know they allowed pets in the building."

Harry shakes their head. "They don't. They made an exception."

Louis can't help but scoff. "Figures. Its your charm.''

They blush again. "But I also got a guinea pig and the landlady doesn't know about that."

''A guinea pig?" Louis is shocked, but it does make sense to some degree.

Harry looks almost anguished. "It was a moment of weakness."

Louis can't help but laugh especially because he's all together so endeared by Harry, but mainly just amused. He does feel a little bad though because he knows what Harry means by that. "Everyone has their methods of coping. I mean I usually go for a good smoke, but that's just me."

Harry laughs too and their blush gets deeper. "Cigarettes don't make cute noises though."

"You got me there." Louis smiles.

"Bet you look hot smoking." Harry murmurs quickly, looking down at the napkin they're currently folding.

Louis' breath gets caught in his throat and he just manages to laugh awkwardly. There's a pause and then he figures, why the hell not. "I've got some bud in the car, maybe later we can if you want to?"

Harry glances up and they bite their lip, nodding once.

Louis clears his throat, "So you thought about me? From time to time?" He tries and fails not to sound insecure.

They let out a sarcastic laugh, but their voice is soft when they reply. "Yes, of course. Always.''

"Me too." Louis says, just as soft.

"I mean, l-" They nudge Louis' foot with theirs, pausing. "I was in love with you."

"Was?" Louis asks before he can stop himself.

Harry swallows, opening their mouth to speak when Niall plops down next to Harry, interrupting them for at least the thousandth time today. "D'ya hear what happened this morning?"

Louis wants to strangle Niall a little bit, maybe a lot. Who knows if him and Harry will ever come back to that conversation.

"What?" Harry indulges him.

Niall gets into this huge story about their cake guy bailing on them that Louis is only half listening to. He's more preoccupied with the way Harry's hands are moving, and their ankle pressed up against his in the most innocent way, the way they looked nervous when Louis basically asked if they're still in love with him.

"I can do it." Harry blurts out, bringing Louis back to earth. They're facing Niall, but watching Louis out of the corner of their eye. "I can go by the bakery."

"Wait, are you serious? You'd do that?" Niall asks. "That would be such a lifesaver, Haz. Maybe Louis can help?"

"Yeah, Louis can help me."

Louis is gathering bits and pieces of the conversation, but he's pretty sure that Harry is offering to bake Liam and Zayn's wedding cake and Niall is volunteering Louis to help.

"They're just lovely, aren't they?" Niall says to Louis and then leaves a smacking kiss to Harry's pink cheek. "Get started on that soon, would ya?"

Harry nods, folding their last napkin and pushing all the wrapped silverware to the end of the table as Niall walks away. They look back up to Louis when he's finally gone. "I know what he's doing." They whisper. "He's not exactly being subtle."

Louis looks around, catching Niall's eye across the room where he's pretending not to watch them and suddenly it dawns on him. "It's a diversion."

Harry nods, sliding the tub of leftover silverware to the end of the table. "He's going to have me bake a cake for no reason." they grumble. "l hope l'm wrong and this isn't just some elaborate plan to get us alone together."

Louis snorts. "Well at least we don't have to stay here and work."

Harry rolls their eyes. "At least Zayn's mum and sisters are coming to help because otherwise they'd get nothing finished in time."

"Niall's just watching us, lets get out of here." Louis states, standing up.

Harry agrees and they head out, getting into Louis' car to drive back to Harry's flat. When Louis tries to swing by the bakery Harry tells him not to. Apparently they really don't believe Niall, not even for a second, which isn't totally unreasonable.

 

 

It's weird for Louis to be inside of this flat now, especially after so long. It looks different.

Harry is greeted by a small grey cat and they lean down to scratch behind it's ears while Louis looks around.

Harry has definitely changed the decor, things that suit them a lot more. "Looks different." Louis comments, setting his rucksack down.

Harry straightens up the place halfheartedly, not that their flat actually needs it since its practically spotless. "Sorry for the mess, I didn't really expect to have anyone. Especially not you, no offense."

"None taken." Louis rummages through his bag, pulling out a tupperware container. "I got the-" He holds it up. "If you still want to?"

"Oh, you were serious?" Harry asks, eyeing the container in Louis' hand.

"I- Yeah, were you not?"

Harry nods hesitantly. "Um, yeah, l was."

"Oh good," Louis says, popping the top off of the container. He already has a couple of joints rolled, but when he pats his pockets for his lighter, it's not there. He swears under his breath, lifting up the container line it could actually be under there

"What's wrong?" Harry asks.

"Misplaced my lighter."

"I've got one." Harry says and Louis finds himself following after them into their bedroom. They open their top dresser drawer, reaching in and grabbing a green M&M lighter. "My candle drawer." They explain, as if they really needed to, and then they sit back on the bed, waiting for Louis to join them.

He does sit down, handing over a joint to Harry as he does. He watches them as they light it, coughing a little on the first drag.

"S'been a while." They say, and Louis nods, lighting up his own.

Harry scoots closer and if they're trying to be subtle, they're failing miserably. "S'good."

Louis hums in agreement as they fall into a comfortable silence.

Harry leans their head on Louis' shoulder. "I can't believe Zayn and Liam are getting married." Smoke escapes their lips as they speak.

"I know." There's another small silence and Louis spares a thought to how glad he is that things aren't awkward or tense between him and Harry. In fact, its nice, comfortable even. It feels like when they used to be friends, which feels like ages ago now with everything that's happened between them since then.

Hardly anything has changed, Louis still feels like his skin is on fire when Harry so much as bumps against him, and now with their head on his shoulder, even his heart feels like its burning. He thanks God that things _really_  aren't stilted or uncomfortable between them.

"Will you help me do my nails?"

 

 

20 minutes later and Louis is struggling to accurately apply a second coat of red nail polish on Harry's left hand. They've already finished their joints, now feeling pleasantly buzzed, at the point where they start to feel _really_  good. Louis' tongue is poking out slightly in concentration and Harry pokes at it with their finger, erupting into a fit of giggles.

Louis just grips Harry's hand harder. "Movin' too much." He gripes.

"Bossy." Harry comments and Louis huffs. ''How come we never did this when we dated?"

"Dunno," Louis is starting to feel like his limbs are not attached to his body, so he tries to finish Harry's nails quickly. "You never asked; thought it was just a 'you' thing."

"Now it's an 'us' thing." Harry says and Louis smiles, finishing their last nail and pulling back to see if they like it. They seem satisfied with Louis' work, so he caps the nail polish.

Harry starfishes out on the bed after that, careful with their nails. "Know what's weird?"

"Hm?" Louis hums as he examines one of the bottles of polish Harry has out on the bed.

"I used to stay up at night thinking- couldn't sleep."

Louis looks up briefly. "Loads of people do that, H."

They sit upon their elbows, frowning. "Shush, I'm talking."

Louis giggles, motioning for Harry to go on. They take forever to get a sentence out normally, but when they're high it feels like years. But Louis reckons it probably feels a little longer because he's high too.

"Okay so," They lay back down. "Up late, and I kept like, wondering, you know? Like, if you remembered little things about me, because I remembered so many about you."

Louis is focused on Harry's voice, the bottle of nail polish sitting in his hand long forgotten.

"I was eating oatmeal and I suddenly remembered how much you hate oatmeal."

Louis has no idea the time frame of this moment or why Harry is mentioning it, but he gets it. "I remembered." He says. "It was random stuff, like how you always pick stuff up off the floor with your toes. Fuckin' weirdo."

Harry barks out a laugh, covering their mouth in surprise. "It's effective." They argue, voice muffled.

Louis leans forward, pulling Harry's hands away from their mouth. "It's gross."

They ignore him, glancing over to notice the bottle of nail polish still pressed to Louis' palm. "Is that the color you picked out."

"What?" Louis squints.

They point towards Louis' hand, their movements slightly uncoordinated.  "The- do you want me to paint your nails that color?"

Louis looks at the dark green color in his hand. He doesn't remember picking it up. "No. I didn't- No."

"Why not?" They pout.

"Don't wanna."

"Do it anyway." They say and even sober Louis can't say no to Harry, so he's definitely not going to right now. But, he does like giving them a hard time, so he shakes his head.

"Nope."

Completely unexpectedly Harry is sitting up and tackling Louis against the bed, causing him to drop the bottle out of his hand in the process.

"Let me." They say, so close to Louis that they're at most an inch from brushing noses and Louis' breath leaves him in a rush. He's not sure he'll ever be able to breathe again.

Louis watches Harry's eyes glance to his lips and sirens start blaring in his head, so he pushes Harry off, surrendering before things get really out of hand. "Okay, fine. Paint my nails."

That apparently makes Harry very happy, despite the fact that Louis basically just pushed them away. They reach over for the bottle that Louis dropped.

"Do you have any more colors?" Louis asks, squinting over towards the desk at the other side of the room.

"Weren't you wearing glasses earlier?" Harry asks, the annoying sound of clicking in the background from them shaking the bottle in their hand.

Louis nods, frowning. "Was getting a headache so I took 'em off, but I think I left them at the wedding hall."

"Oh, I have a-" They start to get up. "You had left your spare ones here and I-" They blush, clearly too embarrassed to finish that sentence, though Louis kind of wishes they would. _They kept his glasses_. Louis feels a little lightheaded. "I can go get them? If you want?"

He doesn't want Harry to leave, but he also likes to be able to see. "Yes." He answers.

When they return they're carrying two cases, one with Louis' glasses and one containing various sharp and pointy utensils.

"What are those?" Louis asks, pointing gingerly like he's afraid they might pop out and attack him.

"Tools." Harry replies, taking out what appears to be a nail file as Louis puts on his glasses.

"You're not touching me with that." He hides hands behind his back, which of course cause Harry to start pulling on one of his arms, their perfect fingers curling around Louis' bicep. They're very strong so its a struggle for Louis to hold his ground.

"Please?" They pout. "M'not gonna stab you with it, just wanna file your nails."

Louis relents, letting his arms out from behind his back. Harry smiles, taking Louis' hands in theirs and placing them on their knees.

Louis tries to ignore the heat in his cheeks, when Harry picks up one of his hands. Louis blames the weed. "So, schools over." He says, picking at the fabric of Harry's jeans with his free hand.

"I can't believe I'm a university graduate." They say, shaking their head softly. They flip the nail file over, pushing back Louis' cuticles and he pulls his hand back like he's been burned, but Harry keeps a good grip on it, not letting him pull it back very far.

"Ouch, I thought you were just gonna file my _nails_ , those were my- my-" He suddenly doesn't remember the word. "Oh, you know what I mean."

Harry giggles. "Sorry, they just looked so bad."

"You really know how woo a guy, Harry." Louis deadpans, which has Harry laughing and Louis can't help but smile too, even though Harry is practically stabbing his cuticles. Louis can't really feel his arms anyway. "Missed your laugh." He says.

Harry's hand slips, scratching Louis' finger. "Sorry!" They apologize, blushing furiously. 

"It's fine." Louis literally doesn't care. Harry could actually chop off his entire right arm and he wouldn't care, probably wouldn't feel it either.

There's a pause and then Harry is speaking again. "I can't believe it's been so long since we've seen each other."

"I know." Louis pokes their knee where the fabric is worn. "Thought you'd smell different or be different, but you're still the same."

"You too, 'cept you smell a little like cigarettes."

Louis chuckles. "Nasty habit, that."

Hang nods in agreement as they open up the bottle of green nail polish. They make a grabby motion with their left hand and Louis offers his own hand, letting Harry's swallow it up.

The last person Louis let do his nails was Daisy and most of it got on his hands rather than his nails. But that was a couple years ago now and with Harry sat in front of him biting their lip in concentration, Louis doesn't really want to think about that or anything else.

It smells weird and makes his nails feel heavy, like they're the only thing attached to his body, the only thing he can feel besides Harry's skin touching his.

After a while, when Harry's almost done with Louis' nails, a cat comes in the room and jumps on the bed, which startles Louis and makes Harry laugh.

Louis pouts, but he could never actually be sad when he gets to hear Harry's beautiful laugh.

The cat sits by Harry's thigh and Louis' free hand travels higher up Harry's leg, marking his territory and nudging the cat slightly. All it really accomplishes is getting Harry to raise their eyebrows slightly and pick up Louis' hand from his thigh to apply a second coat to that one too.

"What's it's name?" Louis asks.

"Lucifer." Harry answers and Louis' raises an eyebrow.

"Why?"

They give Louis a wry smile, like they know he's about to take the mickey out or something. "Well, my guinea pig is called Gus Gus, so you do the math."

Louis throws his head back, laughing so hard he has a fleeting thought that his head might pop off, or maybe he'll float up to the ceiling. "Okay, Cinderella."

Harry finishes his nails, pulling back and accidentally knocking over the bottle of nail polish which spills onto his duvet. Lucifer apparently takes that as his cue to leave.

"Fuck." Harry whines. They try to clean it up with nail polish remover, but in an attempt to not ruin their own nails, they spill the entire bone of remover on the duvet.

Louis is watching all of this go down, hiding a giggle behind his hand instead of helping. Harry eventually gets it mostly sopped up with a couple of cotton balls, but the stain is still there.

"Fuck me." They murmur. "I think I need more weed."

"What an excellent idea."

 

 

So ten minutes later they've got brand new, freshly rolled joints lit and they're laying on Harry's bed while Harry swears up and down that they're totally blowing smoke into shapes.

Niall calls them, interrupting Harry again. They're talking about triangles so Louis has to pull their phone out of their pocket and answer for them.

"Oh, Louis. Hey."

Louis clears his throat, looking at Harry and pretending to adjust an invisible tie and then they're both laughing.

"Lou," Niall sings into the phone. "I'm still here, so as long as you two aren't fucking, I'd like to talk to Harry."

"Niall," Louis exclaims, affronted. "How could you insult my virtue like that?"

"Give me that!" Harry squawks loudly, clumsily reaching out for his phone.

"Niall, my love." If Harry's going for a sober sounding voice, they're failing miserably. "Wait," They jab at their screen for a moment, putting it on speakerphone. "Okay, what's up?"

"I wanted to let you know that the cake guy came through."

Harry shoots Louis a look, like they might actually be surprised they were right about Niall's intentions. "Niall we know- we know what you're doing."

There's a silence and Louis doesn't even wait for Niall to start speaking again before he's yelling, "Aha!"

"Oh, come on you two. I've got several bets riding on you both getting your act together."

"Riding." Harry repeats, and then him and Louis are both laughing again.

Niall ignores both of them completely, continuing his speech, or at least it feels like a speech to Louis. "You better tell me if something happens between you, I've got a good bit of money invested in this."

"Invested is a big word." Louis comments, repeating it a couple more times quietly and Harry nods solemnly.

"Wait, are you two high?" Both of them start laughing again and Niall lets out an exasperated sigh. "If the two of you aren't sobered up by the rehearsal dinner tonight l'm kicking both of your asses.

"My poor ass." Harry pouts and Louis reaches out to pat their face in consolation.

"Louis you have to make a toast." 

"I'll wing it, you know, speak from the heart." He suggests, giving the phone a thumbs up even though Niall can't see.

"Oh, Jesus fucking christ. I'm gonna hang up before I lose my mind." He really does hang up after that Harry's still saying "bye, Niall" as if he's still there.

"Okay, toast time." Louis says, leaning over and feeling around Harry's desk for a pen. Once he finds it he clicks it open, grabbing Harry's arm and titling it: Louis' speech.

"Looks like it says peach." Harry says and Louis agrees so he marks out the S and then tries to draw a little peach next to it, but it looks more like a blob. And then they forget about the toast, because Louis just starts drawing shapes on Harry's arm, blowing out smoke against their skin. Louis has, of course, mastered the art of multitasking while also holding something between his fingers.

"I was right." Harry states, staring at Louis and not even trying to hide it.

Louis' vision is swimming and he kind of either wants to eat or sleep, but he also kind of wants to know what Harry is talking about, so he quirks an eyebrow. "About?"

"You're hot when you're smoking."

He can't even be bothered to blush at that. "You too."

Harry smiles.

Louis scrunches up his nose. “I'm hungry."

 

 

Twenty minutes finds them finally in the kitchen, trying to figure out how to make jello, and ten minutes after that finds the kitchen a disaster, red powder all over the counter, and the two of them trying to find something that takes less work to eat.

Five minutes after that Louis is sat on the couch, leaning up against Harry as they flick through the channels, shoveling chips into his mouth. Every once in a while Harry's hand will tentatively reach down for a handful of chips for themselves.

"Mute it." Louis requests, and its not long before both of them are in stitches from making up their own dialog to reruns of cake boss. And Louis knows he's high and not thinking straight probably, but he's pretty sure even if his mind was clear he would still want to be back with Harry. He's always wanted to spend his life with them, and he hopes maybe there's a possibility of it still happening.

"I don't have anything to wear." Louis announces, checking the clock and realizing that they've actually made a huge mistake. He feels a little more clear headed, but its still not really enough.

"Well, you left a bunch of stuff here, I think there's still a blazer in that box." They get up to retrieve said box out of the closet and Louis tries not to think about Harry keeping all of that stuff, but that really only makes him think about it more.

He rummages through the box, aware that Harry's watching him. "Why'd you keep all of this shit?" He finds an old black blazer and he shrugs it on, standing to look in the mirror.

"Because," Harry starts, coming up behind him and brushing off his shoulders, catching his eye in the mirror. "Knew you were gonna come back, I think." They blush, and that kind of seems like their default lately. "Well, I hoped anyway."

And Louis did come back, he's back now and he wants Harry still, after all this time, can feel himself physically aching to be with them again.

Harry's hands slide off of Louis' shoulders and he feels the burn they leave in their wake. 

Louis takes a quick cat nap while Harry gets ready to sleep off the floaty feeling before the rehearsal.

And it goes well, Niall comes and picks them up because he doesn't trust them and also because he's trying to get a confession out of them, to no avail.

They both end up eating a fuckload of food and drink and Niall thankfully bails Louis out of doing the toast, which is nice, but its not like Louis isn't charismatic enough to wing it. But he has a bit of a speech tomorrow so it's nice to just have that to worry about.

There's a moment where Harry starts to roll up their sleeves, noticing the drawings all over their arm and rolls them back down, catching Louis eye across the room and giggling.

Louis goes home with Niall afterwards, feeling happy and smelling like Harry, and its good. For the first time in a long time its really good. 

 

+

 

Liam and Zayn are the cutest grooms Louis has ever seen in his entire life and he kind of wants to kiss them both silly because he's so happy for both of them. It's overwhelming at best to have one of your best friends get married, let alone two, and to each other.

The reception is just as lovely too, half traditional for Liam's family and half traditional for Zayn's. It's lovely, all of it. It makes Louis like weddings again.

His toast is cheesy and everyone claps, but Louis tells Zayn everything he really wants to say in private, how happy he is for him, how Louis himself could never get love quite right like him and Liam. It means more when he tells Zayn he loves him like this, inside the kitchen where no one can see them be truly emotional about it. Louis tells him he loves him like a brother and he doesn't know what he'd do without him. It ends in tears and a very long hug, until Liam finally comes looking for Zayn and joins the hug too.

And later when Louis is feeling bubbly from champagne, Harry asks him if he'd like to dance and he would like to, so he does.

"Last time we danced together at a wedding we pretended we were dating." Harry comments, but they're smiling so it must not be a bad memory for them then.

Louis smiles wryly. "You also let me lead last time."

"That's because I was trying to get into your pants." They tease, like that's just something they can just _talk_  about. "Now I know you're not always so dominant, Tomlinson."

"Harry," Louis exclaims, blushing furiously.

"Louis," Harry replies teasingly.

"It's a little weird we know so much about each other, isn't it?" Louis asks, but honestly he doesn't really think that. If he could learn more about Harry he would.

Harry shrugs. "I like having dirt on you, for blackmailing purposes obviously."

Louis rolls his eyes. "You sound like me." He says.

"Was gonna make a 'you are what you eat' joke, but sadly I haven't been near that arse in almost 8 months." They pout.

Louis gasps and hits them softly in the chest, giggling. "You heathen."

Harry just grins toothily and continues to sway to the music.

Elvis Presley croons on over the speakers and Louis sings along softly, "as a river flows, surely to the sea," and leans his head on Harry's chest. "Some things are meant to be."

Harry's chest rumbles against Louis' cheek when they speak. "Do you want to take a walk in the courtyard? The stars are really bright tonight."

Louis pulls back to nod. He'd go to the ends of the earth with Harry truthfully, but yeah, the courtyard is fine too.

He quirks an eyebrow. "You won't try and grab my arse will you?"

Harry bites their lip, eyes sparkling like they do when they're about to say something cheeky, but instead they cross their heart and lean forward to kiss Louis' cheek softly. "Promise."

The stars really do seem extra bright when they walk outside, it just having gone dark. They walk around and Louis' mind wanders to when they were dating before, how he could just reach out and grab Harry's hand like it didn't mean the whole world. Well, it did, but not in the same way it does now. He kind of wishes he had gotten some more champagne before coming out here.

"Your nails look good by the way," Harry says shyly through the silence. "Suits you."

Louis presses his palm out, examining his green nail polish. "Can't say I'd do it on a regular basis."

"I thought you would have taken it off by now." They push their hair back.

Louis shakes his head. "Of course not, it's pretty. Surprisingly good job considering you were stoned."

Harry laughs softly, looking down at their feet and then suddenly they stop walking, kicking at a stray rock nervously. "So hey," They start. "This may sound a little silly."

"What?" Louis' heart starts pounding at that, hoping Harry is about to say something that will change everything, something like 'this may sound silly but I want to spend the rest of my life with you' and then Louis would jump into their arms and live happily ever after.

He hopes he's not imagining how the air between them seems charged.

"Can we- I really want to give you a hug?" They look up finally, scratching the back of their neck and offering an awkward smile.

Louis rolls his eyes like Harry had done the last morning they saw each other, and then he's pulling them in, glad to finally feel their warmth all around him, feeling safe for the first time in a long time.

Immediately after they pull away Louis feels himself being pulled back in and it feels like in an instant Harry is right there and all around, their warm lips pressed to Louis'.

Harry pulls back quickly though, raising their hand to cover their mouth like they're surprised.

"Sorry, I don't know what-" They run a hand through their hair, groaning. "You make it hard not to kiss you."

Louis tries not to smile at that; Harry is blaming _him_. Instead, he just blurts out,  "I'm still in love with you."

Harry lets out a breath and it sounds like relief. "I'm still in love with you too."

"It's not long until I move back here actually. I wanted to tell you, just didn't ever seem like the right time." And Louis can't stop blurting shit out, but it doesn't matter, he has to tell them. "I mean they offered me a full time job there, but god, I hate living there. And- I miss you." His voice breaks slightly and he shrugs like it's not that big of a deal even though it is. "Was wondering if-" Harry is hanging onto every word, eyes sparkling. They look like they're waiting for Louis to take the first leap. So he does. "Was wondering if we could start over when I get back?"

Harry opens their mouth like maybe they want to say something, but instead they close their mouth and just nod, tackling Louis into another hug. "How long?" They breath out.

"A month, tops. That's if I can find a place."

Harry's reply is immediate.  "Move in with me."

Louis pulls back, furrowing his eyebrows. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, whenever you're ready. I'll still be here waiting for you when you get back."

Louis closes his eyes, just trying to soak in this moment. "So what," He takes a step back, albeit a little reluctantly. "Friends until then?"

Harry laughs. "Yeah, something like that." Their voice is so soft, it pulls at Louis' heartstrings, and god, he's so in love.

"So we're okay?" Louis has to ask, just to make sure this wasn't somehow a big mixed signal or misunderstanding.

"Yeah, we- _always_." They reach out to touch Louis elbow, drawing him in all over again. "I can't not have you in my life Louis. I'm sorry I didn't- we _were_  ready to love each other, I just didn't have faith in us. Can we-"

And Louis just has to kiss them then, cutting them off because he physically can't help it. "You're here with me now and that's all that matters." He mumbles against their lips. He's such a sap honestly, but that's another thing he can't help when it comes to Harry. Based on the fact that Harry is kissing him back fervently though, he thinks they probably like his sappiness.

"Fuck, I missed you." Harry breathes, pulling away finally. "When do you go back?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Come back to mine after the party."

Louis whines, burying his face in the crook of Harry's neck. "If I go to your flat tonight I'll never want to leave."

"So don't."

Louis laughs breathlessly, but when he pulls back to look at Harry their face shows that they're 100% serious.

"I haven't even quit my job yet." Louis says.

"Run away with me." This time Harry is joking, holding Louis by the hips and grinning.

"I wish."

They're both silent for a moment, just watching each other, Harry's eyes still sparkling.

"I'm a right fool for you, you know." They say.

Louis pulls them closer by the lapels of their jacket. "So kiss me, you fool."

 

+

 

They don't start over, it's not really like that, but they don't exactly pick up where they left off either. Instead they're in this sort of limbo phase, like a pre-relationship flirting stage. It's kind of nice because they never really had anything like that before. Sure, they had entire years filled to the brim with pining and seemingly unrequited love, but this is sweet and feels brand new. Louis' heart practically soars whenever Harry texts him or calls him and its so much better then before, because before everything was so bad and Louis will honestly do anything in his power to never go back to that.

On one afternoon while he's packing his stuff, a little over a week left before he moves back, Harry texts him.

 

**harry: zayns been calling us FWBs**

 

**louis: what is fwb**

 

He can hardly even put his phone down before Harry is texting him back, so he sits on his floor instead, abandoning the task at hand in favor of texting Harry.

 

**harry: friends with benefits**

 

Another text from Harry comes through almost immediately after that, before Louis can even type a response. Harry has always been faster at texting.

 

**harry: I told them we're not**

 

**louis: is Niall devastated?**

 

**harry: yes. I told them the only thing we have going on between us right now are feelings**

 

Louis blushes.

 

**louis: I have feelings for you**

 

He smiles so wide he's not sure his mouth can open any wider when Harry texts him back.

 

**harry: I have feelings for you too**

 

Another text comes through from Harry.

 

**harry: now they're calling us friends with feelings. Niall is cooing**

 

Louis laughs, wanting nothing more than to be with all of them right now, or at least to abandon the whole pretense of packing entirely and hit the call button next to Harry's name, but he's nothing if not determined, so he forces himself to continue.

 

**louis: Harry darling I love u, but im trying to pack here**

 

**harry: ily2 can't wait till you come home to me**

 

Louis can't wait either, things are going to fall into place and be right again. Harry's always been home to him and he's been homesick for far too long.  

 

+

 

Louis is a sucker for the element of surprise and Harry likes surprises; they're a match made in heaven. Which is why Louis had been giving Harry a little bit of the run around when she asks when he's coming back exactly, and it always hurts because of the element of uncertainty there. But now seeing the look on her face when she comes through the door and sees Louis there, it's all worth it. Not that they haven't seen each other since the wedding, but it means something different this time even if Harry doesn't realize that immediately.

"I didn't know you were going to be here." She says lowly, pulling Louis into a hug.

"Heard you were looking for a roommate." He teases.

She pulls away searching his face for a moment and Louis feels a wave of nervousness wash over him.

"If you- if you want me."

"Always want you, Lou." She says quietly.

"Of course she does, you idiot." Niall is practically yelling when Louis had almost managed to forget they are literally all standing right there watching everything. Almost. "Just move your shit in already."

"You have your stuff with you right now?" Harry asks excitedly.

"Outside." He answers.

Liam claps his hands. "Lets go! You two shouldn't have to wait any longer!"

"Yeah, we got money riding on this," Niall teases, shooing them out the door. "We'll be right behind you."

Harry grabs Louis' hand, pulling him along down to the car, neither of them able to wait any longer.

When they get to the car though, Louis can't help but pin Harry up against the door and kiss her silly, so glad that this is happening. "I love you." He says and its out there in the clear light of day.

Harry knows though. They tip their head back, resting it on the car door. "You have no idea how good it is to hear that."

Its not until they're in car, holding hands between the seats and humming softly to the music playing quietly on the radio that Harry starts laughing out of absolutely nowhere

"What?" Louis asks self consciously, glancing over at Harry.

"What would you have done if I had said no?"

 

Thankfully Louis doesn't live in a world where that would ever happen.

**Author's Note:**

> [come talk to me !!!](http://sunflowerlouis.tumblr.com)


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